Go Back   Sports Central Message Boards > Community Discussion > The Lounge

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-30-2007, 02:51 PM   #1
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default Jotd

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her
left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her
knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-2007, 03:52 PM   #2
buckeyefan78
Happy Land
 
buckeyefan78's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 12,858
buckeyefan78 is a jewel in the roughbuckeyefan78 is a jewel in the roughbuckeyefan78 is a jewel in the rough
Default

^ You got a sick mind pal. I like it.

A man enters an elevator with a lone attractive woman. He turns around to push the button and his elbow accidentally bumps right into her breast.

He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."

She looks at him and replies, "That's ok. If your d-ick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 300."

(note: a kid told me this one at school today )
buckeyefan78 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-2007, 04:25 PM   #3
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

Good one. I'm the one with the sick mind?
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2007, 04:51 PM   #4
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "f**k", -- the Rottweiler ate him!"
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2007, 07:47 PM   #5
buckeyefan78
Happy Land
 
buckeyefan78's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 12,858
buckeyefan78 is a jewel in the roughbuckeyefan78 is a jewel in the roughbuckeyefan78 is a jewel in the rough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by themush View Post
A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "f**k", -- the Rottweiler ate him!"


That's why you never ask them questions. They end up answering you.
buckeyefan78 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2007, 07:49 PM   #6
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

Glad you liked it Buck. More to come tomorrow.
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-08-2007, 05:27 PM   #7
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalist

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.


themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 02:51 PM   #8
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way." But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called... You left your wheelchair at the pub."
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-07-2008, 07:53 PM   #9
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

How many cops does it take to push a suspect down a set of steps?

None - he fell.
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2008, 06:15 PM   #10
Dano
Everybody Wang Chung...
 
Dano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 1,075
Dano will become famous soon enough
Default

LOL!!!!! Those are damn good jokes. I really enjoyed them and will steal each one and be the funny guy tomorrow at work.

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one ask the other, Does this taste funny to you?
__________________
Goal: 20,000 replies ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... Last Page) "Did You Ever Watch an Old Movie on TV and Wonder How Many People in the Crowd Scenes Are Dead?" George Carlin.
Dano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2008, 06:34 PM   #11
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2008, 06:35 PM   #12
themush
Banned
 
themush's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 8,839
themush has a spectacular aura aboutthemush has a spectacular aura about
Default

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
themush is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2008, 07:11 PM   #13
Dano
Everybody Wang Chung...
 
Dano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 1,075
Dano will become famous soon enough
Default

Seniors

A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

�My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,� said one.

�Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can�t even see my coffee,� replied another.

�I can�t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,� said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

�My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,� another went on.

�I guess that�s the price we pay for getting old,� winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

�Well, it�s not that bad,� said one woman cheerfully. �Thank God we can all still drive!�
__________________
Goal: 20,000 replies ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... Last Page) "Did You Ever Watch an Old Movie on TV and Wonder How Many People in the Crowd Scenes Are Dead?" George Carlin.
Dano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2008, 07:14 PM   #14
Dano
Everybody Wang Chung...
 
Dano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 1,075
Dano will become famous soon enough
Default

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
__________________
Goal: 20,000 replies ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... Last Page) "Did You Ever Watch an Old Movie on TV and Wonder How Many People in the Crowd Scenes Are Dead?" George Carlin.
Dano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2008, 07:15 PM   #15
Dano
Everybody Wang Chung...
 
Dano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 1,075
Dano will become famous soon enough
Default

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."
__________________
Goal: 20,000 replies ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... Last Page) "Did You Ever Watch an Old Movie on TV and Wonder How Many People in the Crowd Scenes Are Dead?" George Carlin.
Dano is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:42 AM.