Thursday, February 2, 2006
NFL Weekly Predictions: Super Bowl XL
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh vs. Seattle
Jerome Bettis likes his Super Bowl just as he does his value meals.
"Biggie-sized!" says Bettis.
And thus begins the saga of Super Bowl XL, a homecoming of sorts for Bettis, a Detroit native. After 16 years in the NFL, Bettis has finally made it to the big game, and, although the Steelers are favored by four points, Pittsburgh and Seattle are quite evenly matched.
"Oh yeah," says Bettis. "It's a coin toss. And speaking of coin toss, the last time I was in Detroit for a game, I correctly called 'tails' in the overtime coin flip. But Referee Phil Luckett said I called 'heads,' and we lost. So this time, if I'm calling the toss, I will call 'tails,' but instead of saying 'tails,' I will show the referee my ample behind. There's no way he'll forget that I called 'tails,' and the image of my rear will haunt him for life. Once we win the toss, I'll set foot onto Ford Field and unleash 260 pounds of Motown manhood, something that normally, in Detroit, would require two Lions' quarterbacks, minus the manhood, of course."
Pittsburgh and Seattle advanced to the Super Bowl with convincing wins in their respective conference championships. Pittsburgh whipped Denver, 34-17, while the Seahawks blew out the Panthers, 34-14. It was not a good day to be a quarterback named Jake — Denver's Jake Plummer turned the ball over four times, while Carolina's Jake Delhomme threw three interceptions.
"I've just got one bit of advice for those guys," says Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger. "Don't get discouraged. Last year, in the AFC championship game, I played like garbage, just like the two Jake's did this year. And look where I ended up the following year — in the Super Bowl. I'm not saying those guys will make it to the Super Bowl next year. They probably won't. But, they have to move on. Plummer can get back to whatever he does best, whether that be singing lead for the Black Crows or befriending grizzly bears in the Alaskan wilderness. And Delhomme can spend his offseason deciding on a new hairstyle. The bowl cut's got to go. He looks like a young Paul McCartney. Very goofy."
"This is how it's been all year," complains Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. "All this Super Bowl talk, and barely a mention of the Seahawks. A lot of whiners have been moaning throughout the playoffs about lack of respect. Well, if any team has the sole right to that claim, it's the Seahawks. We're the NFC's number one seed; Pittsburgh is number six in the AFC. How did we become four-point underdogs? Don't we have the better record? Don't we have the league's MVP? Aren't we coached by Mike Holmgren, who's already won a Super Bowl? Aren't the Steelers coached by Bill Cowher? Didn't he lose in his only trip to the Super Bowl to Barry Switzer, of all people? The bookies are overanalyzing. All they have to do is look at the quarterbacks' hair. In the conference championships, the QB with the least amount of hair won both games. By that logic, I shouldn't lose to anyone."
You're right, Kojak. You are a baldheaded geek, but you do have a point. The Seahawks are not getting their due respect. But that's more a function of lack of respect for the entire NFC than simply lack of respect for the Seahawks. Just imagine how big of an underdog you would be had the Colts made the Super Bowl. You'd be looking at a touchdown, at least. You know, Matt, if you don't like being the underdog, there are two things you can do about it: nothing and like it. Wait, here's a third. You could win. Better yet, you could guarantee a Seahawks victory.
"Knock yourself out, kid," says the original win guarantor, Joe Willie Namath. "Guarantee the win. Come through and you'll be a hero, and you will have earned the right to wear pantyhose and retain your masculinity. Plus, once you retire, you'll be able to roam the Seattle sidelines and accost sexy Monday Night Football reporters and demand that they kiss you. I like the way you wear your eye black, kid. Go get 'em, tiger!"
"Uh, thanks Mr. Namath," replies Hasselbeck. "But the last time I guaranteed something, it was right after we won an overtime coin toss in Green Bay two years ago in a playoff game. I said, 'We'll take the ball and we're going to win.' Well, moments later, I threw an interception to Packers cornerback Al Harris, who returned it for the game-winning touchdown. So, maybe I'll hold off on the guarantee. Does this mean I can't wear pantyhose?"
So, an interception to an incredibly long-haired defensive back is probably your worst NFL memory? Well, guess what? Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamalu has even more hair than Harris, and he'll be looking to intercept your passes when he's not flying towards you on a blitz.
"Choo hoo!" shouts Seattle linebacker Lofa Tatupu. "Troy's not the only USC grad of Samoan descent who will impact the Super Bowl. I'm Samoan, I went to USC, and while I may not have as much hair as Troy, my skills are not limited to twirling flaming batons. I'm one heck of a linebacker, and the 2005 NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year runner-up. I've got credentials, and my father, Mosi Tatupu, was an NFL player, as well. And my great-great grandfather, Mofo Tatupu, was one bad mofo, as his name would suggest."
Pittsburgh's playoff run has been propelled mostly by their passing game. In their wins over Indianapolis and Denver, the Steelers came out passing and built leads, which opened up their running game later. With a lead, the Pittsburgh defense was free to blitz liberally, and the Colts and Broncos, especially, were not able to handle it.
The Steelers' blitz packages have taken loads of pressure off of cornerbacks Ike Taylor and Deshea Townsend. No team, as of yet, has been able to exploit their coverage skills. The Bengals did on their first pass in the wildcard game, and Carson Palmer connected with Chris Henry for a 66-yard gain. Of course, Palmer was knocked out of the game on that play and the Bengals were unable to attack in that fashion again. The point is this: the Seahawks may take a cue from the Steelers and come out throwing. They have Hasselbeck, the NFC Pro Bowl starter, and three solid and healthy receivers in Darrell Jackson, Joe Jurevicius, and Bobby Engram, plus a big red zone target in tight end Jerramy Stevens.
"I may be giving away our strategy," says Seattle coach Holmgren. "But we plan on forcing the Steelers into more man-to-man coverage than one is likely to see in the movie Brokeback Mountain. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Our objective is to neutralize the Pittsburgh blitz. To do that, we must pass successfully. That, in turn, will force Polamalu to back away from the line of scrimmage, opening up running room for Alexander. Of course, if all that doesn't work, we'll go to our backup plan, which, inexplicably, was absent from the Colts' and Broncos' game plans in their losses to Pittsburgh."
Both teams come out passing, and Roethlisberger and Hasselbeck each throw a touchdown pass. After one quarter, the score is tied 7-7. As the second quarter comes to a close, the Seahawks are driving, and Polamalu bites on a Hasselbeck play-action fake. Realizing he's been had, Polamalu turns and high tails it in the other direction. Hasselbeck sees Jurevicius open, but the balding Seattle signal caller is momentarily mesmerized by Polamalu's flowing mane sprinting back into position. Hasselbeck short-arms the throw to Jurevicius, and the ball lands in the hair of the Pittsburgh all-pro safety.
"It's a pick!" yells ABC play-by-play man Al Michaels.
"It certainly is," replies Polamalu, who removes an afro pick from his hair and picks out the ball, while adding some much needed body to his locks.
Polamalu returns the interception into Seattle territory, where Jeff Reed later kicks a 40-yard field goal to give the Steelers a 16-13 halftime lead.
During a spirited halftime show, Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards, despite no sign of a heartbeat, manages to play two Stones' tunes along with his other three bandmates/corpses. Then, lead singer Mick Jagger rips off his top, exposing several ribs. While FCC administrators struggle to censor the hideous sight, members of the Detroit branch of the Hells' Angels, serving as Stones' security, beat back frenzied fans with pool cues.
"Wow!" exclaims Cowher. "That was the best Super Bowl halftime show that didn't involve Janet Jackson's breast, ever! It's time to get pumped up!"
Cowher grabs a Terrible Towel and waves it madly in the air, and the hordes of Pittsburgh fans in attendance respond. The Seattle supporters try to keep up, and do a fair job of it, despite being outnumbered by about 40,000. That is, until Texas A&M officials serve the Seattle faithful with an injunction, ordering them to cease calling themselves "The 12th Man," as well as stop cheering altogether.
"Finally, I can hear the snap count," says Seattle's all-pro tackle Walter Jones.
After a back-and-forth second half, the Seahawks find themselves down 23-20 late in the fourth quarter. Hasselbeck drives the Seahawks to the winning touchdown, with help from the officials, who overturn a Polamalu interception, call a phantom pass interference penalty on Townsend, and flag Joey Porter 15 yards for calling the officials "cheaters."
Seahawks win, 27-23.