Monday, April 17, 2006
Who Wants to Be an Oriole Now?
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Consider the turn of fortune that has graced Kevin Millar.
The former Boston Red Sox first baseman's timing could not have been worse. Last season, in a contract year, he managed only 9 homers and 50 RBI at a traditional power position and played himself right out of town.
This past Hot Stove League looked to be a continuance of the free-fall that had become Millar's career since last April. In the end, he caught hold of the last rung on the major league ladder, landing the first base job in Baltimore.
Less than two weeks passed before the Orioles also acquired pitcher Kris Benson from the New York Mets. Another couple of months passed before Benson's freewheeling wife, Anna, allegedly caught Kris fooling around with one of her friends.
Turns out that Millar's timing could not have been better.
Like the majority of major leaguers, Mr. Cowboy-Up no doubt recalls Anna Benson's threat to engage every one of Kris's teammates if the unimaginable were to ever happen and her husband was found in the arms of another woman. After all, she did broadcast her plan of action to a national audience on the Howard Stern Show before Kris could even find West 42nd Street. Upon cross-examination by Howard, it was learned that no job title would escape her dragnet of scorn, be it front office, batboy, or groundskeeper.
So, we know Mike Flanagan's real motivation for acquiring Benson had nothing to do with his 10-8 record last year, nor his 28 starts, nor his 4.13 ERA. His foresight seems to be keen. The oysters of Chesapeake Bay must be of an exceptionally potent strain. How else does one rationalize Kris's infidelities, alleged or real?
Reports of Benson's escapades have set off a slew of issues that must call to order the great legal minds of the day. For now, let's leave the terry-clothed Mr. Millar laying in wait for that knock upon his hotel door. He is plainly covered under Anna's covenant. Far more nebulous contentions await resolution.
Take the Mets organization. Many are quite certain of hearing Anna explicitly threaten to engage every Mets teammate if Kris were caught. Furthermore, time limitations were never established. Well, he was caught, they are Mets, and they all used to be teammates. It's no longer such a mystery why Pedro Martinez showed up for spring training timely this year.
Unfortunately, a replay of the original tape from the Stern show could not confirm any such Mets Modifier. It does, however, document an umbrella clause that allows Anna to "circle into other teams." So Mets, you're covered. All but you, Mr. Minaya. It seems Anna is still peeved about you ruining her modeling career by taking her away from the Big Apple. That seems just desserts for your lack of vision in trading Kris away in the first place.
Let us next consider Brandon Fahey and the 14 other Birds who are on the 40-man roster but have met various fates along the spring, such as being optioned to the AAA team in Ottawa. Their claim to a piece of Anna calls into question the fundamental definition of "teammate." Anna never established any requisites of this relationship.
For that matter, why stop at the expanded major league roster? Just as every one of us is part of a larger brotherhood, so too are all Oriole farmhands part of a larger Kris Benson fraternity whose trail leads all the way down to the Single-A Aberdeen IronBirds. To paraphrase the diligent Mrs. Benson, let's line 'em up.
Sammy Sosa's case is provocative. He, of course, is the quasi-retired ex-Bird who is now looking to grace some other team with his next 12 homers, thereby getting him to the rarified air of 600 and bringing fame to his host city. In the meantime, he is proxy for various ex-Orioles everywhere who look to Anna for consummation of her covenant. The problem is that he was gone before Benson ever arrived.
Now fellas, a girl has to draw the line somewhere and you're as good a place as any. An exception can be granted for Sammy, possibly because of the misconception of what it means to play with a corked bat. As for the rest of you, there is just not enough time in the day — or night. From where will the time for fur shopping come?
Others who believe they are vested under Anna's covenant are advised to assert their claim promptly as slots are filling rapidly. Current Orioles have priority, a pecking order that suggests an explanation for Miguel Tejada's sudden desire to remain in Baltimore this summer.
And what of my compensation for assisting in this whole affair? I ask only a modest commission. I'm still waiting for a knock upon my door.