Thursday, January 21, 2010
Just What Sports Needs, More Racism!
AABA is creating an All-White basketball league. Not the "Dancing Queen" people (that's ABBA), but the American Alliance for Basketball Alliance (listen, I know the acronym is the AABA, but I really don't care enough to look up what it really stands for, it means nothing to the rest of this piece). This will be basketball how it was played in the 1940s; hopefully, they will be bringing the short shorts back, as well.
The commissioner of the AABA, a man who calls himself "Moose" in a press release, claims it's not about hate.
"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. I'm not even sure that's an acceptable sentence grammatically, but I love it. It truly captures the essence of this Moose fellow. You can imagine he gave that quote while he was leaning on a half-completed fence, with a piece of straw in his mouth and a six-gun on his waist. Probably wearing a cowboy hat, enjoying the nice weather while his wife, with two fresh black eyes and improved sense of decorum, is working inside the house.
Anyway, he claims he doesn't hate people of color, but that the league will be there for while players to play fundamental basketball, which they like. Someone needs to inform Moose that a league based on selling the fundamental side of basketball already exists. It's called the WNBA and it makes a boatload of money (yeah, makes it disappear! Hey oh!).
Finally, there's an option for the guy who loves basketball, but just hates the prospect of making millions of dollars playing the bastardized version the NBA puts on. I've actually written in the past about how it would be awesome to have a racist team exist in one of the main four sports leagues ,but I never considered the prospect of having an entire league of racists.
When I first heard about this, I reacted the way you would when an 9-year-old tells you he's opening a lemonade stand. It's adorable in nature but is destined to be a disaster financially.
What I don't understand is why they don't go all out with their racism. It's pretty clear what this is, so why do they try and hide it? Go ahead and market your product to the ignorant and undereducated and really drive it home. Maybe we can have an AABA finals where the Klansmen take on the Overseers. Instead of a team bus, you can have the General Lee. Maybe at halftime they could have piñatas of our President or, if that's too educational, they could make fans shoot a half-court shot to win a GED.
"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" Moose said in a press release.
I think I would be more scared that a player or fan would attack me after discovering I've read an entire book.
Please don't misunderstand me, I think this is a fantastic idea and I hope they get a TV deal immediately. I would probably watch the first game just because the idea of a bunch of racists playing a game un-athletically, or "fundamentally," would be hilarious. I can't wait to see what type of player would actually suit up for a game like this. Whoever it is, they are probably wearing jean shorts with their team jersey. It would be like a sports version of the "Jersey Shore." You hate the people the show is about but you like the fact that you can watch it and know you're a better person than every single character.
And I hope whatever TV station snatches up this train wreck is already developing a second league to promote. The blacks-only NHL. Moose probably already has a slogan for that — "Blacks-only NHL ... when you have this many black guys in one place, more than just the ice is gonna get cut."