The Miracle on Ice, or the Miracle Game of Beer Pong

Everyone becomes a casual sports fan during the Olympics. The one thing that I heard more than anything from dumb people is that if the U.S. won the gold medal hockey game over Canada, it would've been just like the Miracle on Ice.

No. A thousand times over.

Of course, that being said, this country could use another Miracle on Ice. The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team did more than win a medal. They inspired the entire country and also ended the Cold War. They pulled the country of our recession and helped decrease homelessness by 34 percent (according to Wikipedia, which is 100 percent accurate ... of course, I took that accuracy percentage from Wikipedia, also). So, while a U.S. win over Canada would not have done the trick, I agree with the general thinking that we need another Miracle on Ice.

Let's start with the recipe. We need to be the underdogs against an extremely talented team we're also in some sort of war with. The U.S. is currently in about a dozen wars, although most of them are on things like poverty and drugs, which can't field a hockey team. Although, that might work as an alternative. Watching our hockey team destroy a team of bumbling, drunk, homeless hockey players would surely raise our spirits considerably.

Realistically, the only foe that can come close to what we had with the Russians during that time would be the terrorists. So our Miracle on Ice will have to come at the hands of Al Qaeda. This presents a problem, because as far as I know, most of Al Qaeda lives in a spot of Planet Earth that doesn't have ice.

Al Qaeda claims to have sleeper cells throughout the country, but I can't imagine they would burn their cover just to perfect their power play. Just in case, keep an eye out at your local ice rinks for a bunch of people playing pickup hockey, wearing jerseys with "Terrorist" stitched on the back.

So, in order to get them up to speed, we're going to have to start a massive donation campaign to Al Qaeda. Now, I'm fairly certain this will pose a problem to any American who keeps an eye on the news once every decade or so. Yet, I'd like to hope we can work out some sort of gentlemanly agreement with Al Qaeda to ensure our donations go strictly to the production and maintenance of their new ice rinks and not to killing freedom-loving people.

I imagine it wouldn't be too long before Osama Bin-Laden would start releasing tapes where he's more concerned about hitting the post in a crucial game, not whining about infidels and stuff only he cares about.

"A quarter of an inch the other way, and it would've gone in," he'll say. Oh yeah, Osama? A quarter-inch the other way and it would've missed completely, asshole. Those who ignore the history of Gordon Bombay are doomed to repeat it.

Or, if we have to compromise, we can do that, too. I guess it doesn't have to be hockey. We can pick a sport the terrorists already play.

As far as I can discern, the closest thing they have to a sport is the one where they find women who read books and then stone them to death. However, on the off chance the President of the Olympics doesn't make that an official sport, we'll have to pick an existing sport that uses those same skills and get that qualified as an Olympic sport.

What's the one sport that combines throwing a small object and a distaste for women who read books? Beer pong! That's right, we will take on Al Qaeda in Olympic beer pong and after our inevitable victory, the terrorists will crumble away and the economy will heal itself like it's some sort of half-assed X-Men character. Then, after the war on terror is over and the economy is fixed, President Obama will spend the rest of his term(s) working on making beer pong America's newest past time.

We will have youth leagues and daily training of our most capable athletes. People everywhere will wear shirts that say "Never Forget" and have a ping-pong ball going into a single cup as a reminder of the day America saved its soul and its future at the same time, forcing our enemies to drink cups of contaminated Pabst Blue Ribbon and making freedom reign supreme for the next thousand years.

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