Thursday, April 1, 2010
Let’s Keep WWE Contained in a Wrestling Ring
A friend of mine that is in his late 20s and still lives in his parents' basement told me WrestleMania was this past weekend. I'm glad he can still enjoy that. I don't mind wrestling as long as it stays in its little hole. I start growing to hate it once I start seeing movie trailers with that John Cena and when I see things like Linda McMahon running for Senate.
Senator McMahon. That is exactly what this country needs to get its citizens to take government seriously. Someone who has built a life from dressing grown men in spandex, feeding them steroids like they were Everlasting Gobstoppers, and then parading them around a ring.
Linda said she's getting into politics because "Washington is out of control" and that she has the "experience and the strength" to make the changes needed. Until we find out that the Undertaker is the true mastermind behind Al-Qaeda, I'm not so sure the WWE counts as relevant experience. I can't wait until her credentials are questioned by the media.
"Linda, how would you end the violence in the Middle East?"
Linda: "It's simple. We need to arm our soldiers with the deadliest weapon known to man, the steel-folding chair. Then, and only then, will we be able to find Osama Bin Laden and finally slam him through the Spanish announcers' table."
We have enough trouble with normal Senators interrupting the president during addresses to congress, how long would it be before Linda just pulls a Kanye West on Obama and attempts to "cut a promo" on the floor of Congress?
"Barack, here's the deal, brother. What the American people need is change and hope. Let me tell you what I'm gonna do. On July 22nd, at Summerslam, I'm going to put change and hope inside a briefcase and suspend that briefcase at the top of a cage over the ring. Then you and I will enter the cage and you can be damn sure that I'll be the one walking out of that ring with hope and change and when that happens, the first thing I'm going to do is give it to America! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Linda McMahon said so. Wooooooooo!"
I'm not even saying professional wrestlers can't be in politics; heck, it worked for Jesse Ventura. I would even support Irwin R. Schyster in a campaign for local comptroller. I'm just saying anyone with the last name McMahon can't be in politics. Every politician has skeletons in their closet. Unlike McMahon, most of them aren't available on YouTube.
Now, that being said, I don't doubt for a second that she could put together a formidable campaign. Who wants to go toe-to-toe in a debate with a mother that has slapped her own daughter in the face on national television? Even Kate Gosselin thinks that's extreme parenting.
I just hope, if she does go through with it, that she pulls Paul Bearer out of whatever Golden Corral he's been hiding in and names him campaign manager. Maybe she can make Mean Gene Okerlund her publicist and she can run on a platform of "taking your vitamins and saying your prayers."
We have enough problems in this country as it is. Electing leaders from the professional wrestling world will only make things worse.
Despite appearances, politics is a serious business and for Linda, it's just a million-dollar dream.