Lance Stephenson Needs to Step His Game Up

Indiana Pacers draft pick Lance Stephenson was arrested in his native New York City for reportedly pushing his girlfriend down a flight of steps. If this is true, and I really hope it's not, there's only one way for the former University of Cincinnati product to do his college program right. To make amends, he needs to confront his girlfriend ... and punch her in the face.

Stephenson was a Bearcat, damn it, and when Bearcats break the law, they do it in style. They do it with pizzazz and flair (that means with plenty of chest chops and shouts of "wooooo"). What they don't do is something as cowardly as pushing a girl down a flight of steps.

If the criminal complaint is true, and again I hope it's not, Stephenson's girlfriend returned home to her apartment at 5 AM on a Sunday morning (probably to get ready to make 6 AM mass is my guess) when Stephenson yelled, "Are you kidding me?" before pushing her down the stairs.

First, what kind of an exclamation is "Are you kidding me?" He definitely should have gone with something more dramatic, like, "this town ain't big enough for the both of us" or "you're about to go for a ride on the pain train!" He could have even incorporated his nickname, Born Ready, into his final remarks. "I was Born Ready ... to kick your ass!" He clearly had some time to think about it and it doesn't even sound like he gave her time to answer.

Maybe this whole thing should've gone like this:

"Are you kidding me?"

"Oh my god, yes, you should see the look on your face right now when you thought I'd been out all night. Ha, ha, I've really been hiding just down the street. Wow, I got you good."

Even more disappointing than his pointless exclamation is the way he decided to inflict harm upon his girlfriend. He's a Bearcat, damn it, and he should be man enough to take things into his own hands. What sort of coward just lets gravity do his dirty work?

Now, before you start defending Stephenson, apparently he also picked his girlfriend's head up after the tumble and slammed it on the bottom step, according to the police report. If this is true, I think it rules out what most people assumed was going on: a cheap, in-home abortion. Either the head slam rules it out completely or it proves that Stephenson has little idea how the reproduction system works.

Stephenson is a physical specimen and should have been able to handle his girlfriend without the prop of the steps. He should've been a man and just used his fists, like any real domestic abuser would.

Right now, there's a guy in Indiana upset with the newest Pacer for all the wrong reasons. He's the type of guy who wears a wife beater because it actually helps him beat his wife more efficiently.

Maybe Stephenson was just scared. After all, some of the world's greatest fighters have been felled by ladies. In February, Ric Flair's wife was arrested for smacking him around. According to a not-even-remotely true story, the incident has scarred Flair to the point that he now sleeps with a steel folding chair under his pillow, just in case this ever happens again. If even a 42-time world champion fighter can get his ass kicked, maybe that's enough to make guys like Stephenson take the bumpy road out.

The problem is, that's not the UC way. When their guys go afoul of the law, it's usually more entertaining than this. Like a decade ago when a player was arrested for punching a police horse in the face four times. That wasn't just a "I'm so mad, take this one punch" incident. This player clearly thought he was in a fight with the horse and was possibly trying to pound him into glue.

Another UC player was arrested one time for reportedly tying up his roommate and torturing him with a heated coat hanger and with a weight bar. See, Lance? That's how a man handles his problems.

The University of Cincinnati has overhauled the image of its basketball program to become a crappy team instead of an occasionally-troubled, but regular season strong team. In the mid-2000s, the Bengals tried to pick up the mantle of the law-troubled sports team, but that's no excuse for Stephenson.

There is a legacy there that he's a part of — when you break the law, you have to do like a man. He needs to treat his wife's face like a piñata, not one that's full of candy, but one that is full of the respect of degenerates and domestic abusers everywhere.

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