Fortune Cookies For Sports Figures

During the 2010 World Cup, people lost their mind because an octopus correctly predicted what would happen in some of the major games. A chimp in an Eastern European zoo did the same. ESPN even jumped in the fray by putting an animal on TV, naming it Alexi Lalas, and letting him pick games.

Forget zoo creatures, they can only tell us so much about the future. I wanted to know what was in store for some of the biggest figures in the sports scene right now, so I went to the one source we can all agree is infallible: fortune cookies.

Tiger Woods: New and rewarding opportunities will soon develop for you.

See what I mean? The first name I had on my list was Tiger Woods and the first cookie I crack, which was supposed to tell us Tiger's future, ends up with this? I think we can all agree this is 100-percent correct, and that these new and rewarding opportunities will probably have surgically-enhanced breasts and will have the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Golf season is over and Tiger just bought a huge $54 million bachelor pad. Hmmmm ... I wonder what sort of new opportunities could be on the horizon for a recently-divorced man worth half a billion dollars?

Tiger Woods will end up in so many holes it will remind people of Tiger Woods the golfer circa 2007.

Aroldis Chapman, the Cuban Missile: A friend will bring you a big surprise soon.

Chapmania has taken the National League by storm as the pitching phenom is the hottest thing to come out of Cuban since Vida Guerra (in two very different ways, although I bet for every 10 people that masturbate to pictures of Guerra, there are at least five baseball dorks out there jerking it to video of Chapman's 104-mph fastball).

And a friend will bring him a surprise soon? This is difficult, because Chapman doesn't have too many friends since he doesn't speak English.

Stephen Strasburg: Your life will be happy and peaceful.

Do you know what's not peaceful and always happy? Playing professional sports. Fortunately for Strasburg, he shredded his elbow and is well on his way to Bustville, USA. Do you know who is happy? A high school baseball coach. Welcome to your future, Coach Strasburg. What you get from helping young people will replace all the glory and fame you would've had if your arm didn't blow up. Welcome to normal life, I hope you've got enough money socked away to at least have someone else cut your grass.

LeBron James: You will be reunited with old friends.

A great sign for LeBron James. He and his two best NBA buddies went to the same team, leaving them $23 to spend on complementary players for the next season. LeBron is already around his old friends from high school basketball all the time anyway, so how could they be reunited? Yep, on the court. It's all the Heat can afford and LeBron will be even happier now that he can continue carrying the dead weight of players like Romeo Travis. I hope the NBA has room for a 6'7" big man that couldn't even average 6 rebounds a game as a senior in a mid-major conference in 2007. Garbage time in Miami will look like real episodes of "Pros vs. Joes."

Jay Mariotti: You will be lucky in love.

BOOM! We have our first fortune cookie burn of the column. Mariotti is in hot water because he lost his patience with his girlfriend and invited her to a one-person slap party, thrown by the very effeminate and astoundingly smug Jay Mariotti.

This is the universe taunting Jay, telling him "hey, you're such a douche, if you decide to take your own life, please consider your carbon footprint and use a rope the old-fashioned way, rather than the car in the garage thing."

Whoa, universe, you're getting pretty dark with all that suicide talk. But I do like the fact that you care about the environment. It shows that we live in a classy universe.

Basically, if Jay could have refrained from acting like a trailer park pimp, he would still have a career and a life and would only be hated by people who knew him, rather than people who have no idea who he is. But I will say that he is lucky in love because he even had a girlfriend to begin with. That alone is pretty shocking, and has much to do with luck I imagine.

James Toney: Your wisdom will find a way.

After months of talking shit about mixed martial arts, former elite boxer James Toney stepped into the Octagon and promptly got his ass kicked by a man old enough to be Brett Favre (who is approximately 73). His wisdom will find him a way to explain this beating and will let him walk away with some semblance of pride. After months of saying he would knock Couture out with one punch, Toney will now have to rely on his wisdom to paint this in his head as anything other than an ass-kicking. Even Jay Mariotti has a better MMA game than Toney, because at least Mariotti isn't afraid to do whatever necessary to win.

Owen Hart: Luck is on your side.

Owen Hart was in sports news as he had a nice write up on And luck is on his side. Because he isn't alive, I take this to mean one thing and one thing only. Owen Hart has started his own wrestling promotion in heaven, and luck is on his side because professional wrestlers have a higher death rate than suicide bombers. More talent is on the way, Owen!

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