Someone Tell Joakim Noah to Shut Up

I'm tired of players like Joakim Noah whining like little bitches about Kevin Garnett. Noah is the latest in the long line of NBA tattle-tales who has a beef with Garnett and I hate everything about it. Most especially, I hate that Noah just made me use the phrase tattle-tale about a grown adult.

He was bitching about the Celtics' big man to ESPN Chicago.

"He's a very mean guy ... where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too," Noah said.

Let's stop it right there. First, you can't say "where's the love?" and follow it with a dig, albeit a dig that is weaker than the American dollar (that's what you call "forcing a slightly-dated topical reference"). Second, there is only one person in this entire world that Joakim Noah can call ugly, and that's his mother. Because she has to be uglier than him.

Noah is hands-down the ugliest player in NBA history named Joakim. He should be at the forefront of the cause to judge a player by his personality traits alone, not by the abnormal shape of one's face and ridiculous hair. Joakim Noah looks like the product of his mother having sex with a genetically-disadvantaged troll doll.

There are dozens of Facebook groups dedicated to chronicling the ugliness of Joakim Noah, including one that proclaims him to be the "the best women's basketball player in the NBA."

This is even coming from a Joakim Noah guy. I like the way he plays and I think he's one of the best rebounders in basketball. But there's no questioning that he is not a handsome man. And I hate that I even had to type those words.

Apparently, Noah hates Garnett now even more because he is "mean" and it breaks Noah's ugly little heart because he had a Kevin Garnett poster in his room growing up.

"I was in admiration of the guy and he kind of shut me down ... he's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

I really hope he was just trying to be dumb on purpose and everyone blew his comments out of proportion or this is the dumbest quote about the Garnett fiasco. How does Noah work in "sweet and sensitive" into his trash-talking?

"Hey, Garnett, you're old! But, you're aging with a delicate grace and you will forever be revered by players in future generations."

The NBA is interesting now in part because there are some rivalries, there are some bad guys. Sports needs that. Fans that pour their heart and soul into a game get irked when they see their star quarterback getting a little too friendly with his boys from the opposite team just seconds after a crushing loss.

Of course, guys will always have those relationships with players from other teams, it's just better when they fans don't have that constantly flaunted in their face. And it's even better when players openly disdain other teams/players. It makes rivalries more interesting. The only time Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Milquetoast said something interesting was when he said he hated the Pittsburgh Steelers. He didn't hate them because the Steelers hated him first and were meanie-heads, he hated them because they are a rival (and also endangered his career in his first playoff game).

Garnett is supposed to be mean to guys like Noah. They are opponents. He's a fading superstar, of course he's not going to gracefully hand over the reins to the next generation.

This cavalcade of pettiness towards Garnett is just boring now. I don't care if he called Charlie Villanueva a cancer patient. The only problem with that is it's not very clever trash-talk, but that's to be expected from a player that skipped college. I don't care if Joakim Noah's idol doesn't treat him with the same fondness of two old ladies in a bridge club.

It's better for the fans this way. And it's best for the fans when we can just forget how ugly Joakim Noah really is, rather than being confronted with it constantly when he judges other people's looks.

Comments and Conversation

November 11, 2010

Aaron:

Wow, this is what I hate about sound bites and hastily written articles. You need to chill! I’m pretty sure if you watched Noah interview he was clearly joking about the ugly thing…Problem is reading about it makes it sound a lot worse then is actually was. I know he doesn’t like KG because lets be honest he is an @$$hole but i think the whole part of the joke was that Noah was calling someone ugly. Especially after KG took a shot at another players appearance. So maybe you should take a second, get off KG’s cock and realize its a joke buddy..

November 12, 2010

Jeff Saturday:

I agree 100% with Aaron. Garnett is a PU**Y that only picks on the young guys. He is a dirty player hated by most of the league. He is a Bi**h. Oh and so are you Mark.

November 12, 2010

eric:

poor article, looks like a child arguing.
and looking so much after ugliness doesn’t sound so sane, boy you should talk about that

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