Parker Needs More Style When He Cheats

A little more than a year ago, Tiger Woods changed the game when it comes to cheating on your wife. He had sex with a waitress. In the parking lot. While she was menstruating. And that was just something he did while he was on the way to cheat on his wife.

Then, when his wife found out, she didn't just calmly release a statement and take all of his money, she woke him up and chased him out of the house with a golf club, leading him to slowly crack his car into a tree.

There's no going back from that. Just like in golf, Tiger set the gold standard in cheating on your wife. And now, just a year later, we have another high-profile case of an whose marriage is going down in flames because of the amount of women he cheated on his wife with.

Except this time, it's a whole lot more boring. Tony Parker-Longoria cheated on his famous actress wife, Eva Longoria, by hooking up with a broad, chatting with her on Facebook, and then banging a teammate's ex-wife. Yawn. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife more than that on his honeymoon.

Stories like Parker's used to mean something. Now he just comes off like a Tiger Woods wannabe. It's like he isn't even trying. If he really wants to cheat on his wife, it's going to take more than a few salacious text messages these days. At least, it will if he wants anyone to respect him after it's all said and done.

Forget cheating with a gorgeous woman you already vacation with and are intimate with. That's some lame crap that Greg from accounting would pull. Tony needs to step his game up.

For starters, Tiger got points for mixing in a few slumpbusters every now and then. Tiger plays the Perkins waitress card? No choice for Parker but to get down and dirty with the she-male working the register at the Waffle House at 3 AM. And if he really wants to make news, he's probably going to have to release a sex tape of him tossing her grits right there on the counter.

Parker couldn't even get his wife to go crazy, and popular culture has told me that Hispanic women get upset at the slightest injustice.
Or, if Parker is really going to make news, maybe he should've run a one-man train on a gaggle of circus clowns. He could set a Guinness World Record for biggest gangbang in smallest car.

If he wanted to help headline writers at the New York Post, he could've snuck into a zoo and cheated on his wife with a Tiger, prompting weeks of "Tony (and) the Tiger" headlines.

I feel like the whole "sleeping with his co-worker's ex-wife" thing is just ripped from an episode of "Desperate Housewives."

However, if he actually orchestrated this entire saga along the plot-lines of one of his wife's episodes, then he would get major points. That would be a delightful twist, especially since his wife plays a character that cheated on her husband like it was going out of style.

Maybe Tony orchestrated the whole thing along one her character's story arcs, testing Eva to see if she'd pick up on the subtle clues. That's like the Da Vinci Code of cheating.

Or maybe Tony is only as good at cheating as he is at basketball. Pretty average unless you put him around some special players.

We deserve more, Tony. If you're going to be man enough to say those vows in front of some people from your entourage and some tabloid photographers, you have to be man enough to break those vows with a vengeance.

Who will be the next Tiger Woods? The sports world will just have to keep waiting.

Comments and Conversation

December 2, 2010


This article is pathetic. Write about something people care about.
Sports writers write about sports not about adultery. Are you really that uninspired.

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