Friday, April 29, 2011

Foul Territory: Top Pick, Angry Chick, Ryan’s Schtick

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Veni, Vidi, Michi: I Came, I Saw, I Stabbed, or Now That A-Hole Has a "B"-Hole — Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall was stabbed by his wife, Michi, during a domestic dispute last Friday in the Miami area. Marshall underwent surgery for a stab wound to the stomach, and is expected to make a full recovery. The injury was similar in nature to the "gut feeling" former Broncos coach Josh McDaniels experienced when he traded the character-challenged Marshall to Miami.

* Book of Jabs — In his new book "Play Like You Mean It," New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan blasts former Jet Kerry Rhodes and discusses the Ines Sainz and Sal Alosi tripping incidents. Ryan also responds to Tom Brady's "I hate the Jets" comments by saying the feeling is mutual. Ryan stated he is fully aware of the inflammatory nature of his statements, and said he is not concerned with his words backfiring, mainly because he doesn't mind putting a foot in his mouth.

* WTF's in a Name? — The Oakland-Alameda County Stadium will now be called Stadium, thanks to a $7.2 million deal with the internet retailer. is in the process of rebranding itself "," so the stadium could possibly become Stadium. It's highly unlikely the name will catch on with loyal Raiders fans, so it seems that is simply feeding its money into a "Black Hole."

* He Surely Won the Dawg Vote — Peyton Hillis easily outpointed Michael Vick to win the fan vote to appear on the cover of the Madden NFL '12 video game. Hillis received 66% of the votes, thanks in part to an aggressive online campaign geared toward Cleveland fans. It was likely the most complete and successful instance of "Brown-nosing" in history. Vick, who was the Madden cover boy in 2007, was gracious in defeat, and likened the experience to a stint in the slammer, saying "once is enough."

* No. 1 With a Pulpit — In Thursday's NFL draft, the Carolina Panthers selected Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, and didn't have to pay his father anything for the honor. It's a high risk/high reward pick, and the Panthers ask that you either save your applause or save the comparisons to JaMarcus Russell.

* Bland Ambition — Lee Westwood regained golf's No. 1 ranking by winning the Indonesian Masters, coupled with Luke Donald's playoff loss in The Heritage at Hilton Head Island. Donald would have jumped from No. 3 to No. 1 with a win. Instead, Westwood overtook Germany's Martin Kaymer for the top spot. Since Tiger Woods lost the top ranking in November, after holding it for 281 weeks, Westwood and Kaymer have shuffled the top spot. Woods can only sit back and enjoy, thankful that, for once, Europeans will occupy American territory, and maintain the No. 1 spot until he decides to take over. After all, there's nothing Woods likes more than "hot tail" than a warm seat.

* Jerry Curl — Cowboys Stadium will host the U.S. Women's Open of bowling in June, the first bowling event to be held in the Cowboys massive Arlington expanse. Dallas owner Jerry Jones plans to announce a sellout at any cost, and will offer free tickets in a special "Three-Finger Discount" promotion.

* "On the Floor," Quoth the Raven. "On the Floor," or, Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a "Zbi" — With a first-round knockout of Blake Warner on Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens safety Tom Zbikowski improved his professional record to 4-0 as a cruiserweight, with 3 KOs. Zbikowski thanked Ed "Too Tall" Jones and Mark Gastineau for graciously showing NFL players-turned-boxers how not to do it.

* Misogyny-cidal Squeeze Play, or Bosom Baddie — Albert Haynesworth was charged Tuesday with misdemeanor sexual abuse for allegedly grabbing the breast of his server in a Washington hotel restaurant. Evidence shows that Haynesworth placed a credit card in the woman's blouse and fondled her breast. Much to Haynesworth's surprise, he was "charged" and "declined." Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan expressed disappointment, that Haynesworth failed to display that kind of aggressiveness last year on the field.

* Bronx "Bomb" Threat — Yankees right-hander Phil Hughes' Monday bullpen session ended early after he suffered a "setback" after throwing approximately 20 pitches. Hughes, who won 18 games last year, has suffered a dramatic loss of velocity and arm inflammation. On the bright side, Hughes' off-speed repertoire has vastly improved, and with a little luck, he may have an arm surgery named after him.

* Jive Turkey, or Public Enemy No. 1, At Least to People in Clinton, Iowa Who Like Fried Chicken — Flav's Fried Chicken, a restaurant in Clinton, Iowa founded by rapper and reality show goof Flava Flav, closed on Sunday, just four months after opening, after a dispute between Flav and restaurant manager Nick Cimino. Some former employees had complained that they were not paid, and Cimino reportedly taunted many by wearing a time clock around his neck.

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