* Suicide Squeeze, or Appraising Mets — New York Mets majority owner Fred Wilpon, just days after making critical comments aimed at stars David Wright, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes, said the team could lose up to $70 million this year. Wilpon said the team got caught in Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme, and a court-appointed trustee wanted the team to repay $1 billion to Madoff's victims. Interestingly, Wilpon's talk of Wright, Beltran, and Reyes led him seamlessly into a discussion of "fraudulent investments."
* "Even more," quoth the Raven. "Even more." — Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said he feels crime will rise if there is no NFL season. Asked to elaborate, Lewis said crime will increase because "there's nothing else to do." Lewis also said that a solution to the league's labor dispute lies simply in both sides eschewing pride. Apparently, Lewis' faith in football players and owners greatly exceeds his faith in humanity.
* Most Likely, He'll Be a "Buss" Rider and Not a "Buss" Driver" — Former Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was hired on Wednesday to replace Phil Jackson as head coach of the Los Angeles Lakers. Brown was 272-138 in five seasons in Cleveland, but never brought the team an NBA championship. Brown will look to emulate Kobe Bryant's accomplishments since that fateful night in Colorado, and get over the "hump."
* Intentional Grounding, or Bum Rush — Vikings defensive end Ray Edwards won his professional boxing debut last Friday, winning a unanimous decision over former amateur kickboxer T.J. Gibson at Grand Casino in Hinckley, Minnesota. Edwards was far from dominant, but knocked Gibson down twice. Several teammates offered support for Edwards, and even Brett Favre got in on the act, texting Edwards a message that read "You think you were raw. Check this out!" accompanied by a picture of Favre's penis.
* Thunder Cracks, or Cuban Missive Crisis — The Dallas Mavericks beat the Oklahoma City Thunder 100-96 on Wednesday night, winning the Western Conference finals 4-1. The Mavericks used fourth-quarter comebacks in Games 4 and 5 to finish off the Thunder. The Mavs will face the Heat, who beat the Bulls in the Eastern Conference finals, which, inevitably, can only lead to another "Cuban" in Miami.
* Conn-traction, or One Shining Moment, Two Declining Scholarships, or Slam Flunk — The Connecticut men's basketball team will lose two scholarships for the upcoming season due to a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. UConn had already lost one of its 13 scholarships due to recruiting violations. Head coach Jim Calhoun said the university will attack the situation the only way they know how, by ceasing to illegally recruit dumb players, and by committing anew, on the court and off, to passing drills.
* Cup a Blow, or Coke Adds Life, to 18-Year-Old Stories — Diego Maradona said Argentina players took a banned substance before a 1993 World Cup qualifier against Australia, and says Julio Grondona, FIFA vice president and head of Argentina's Football Association, knew about it. Maradona, who tested positive for cocaine in 1991, claimed the team doctor added a banned stimulant to their coffee. Reportedly, Argentines like their pre-match coffee with a little extra kick.
* And We Though Tiger Hit His Low Point on November 27, 2009 — Tiger Woods tumbled to 12th in golf's world rankings, falling out of the top 10 for the first time since 1997. Woods was last outside the top 10 just before winning the 1997 Masters, the first of his 14 major wins. Although now on crutches due to knee and Achilles injuries, Woods plans to play in the U.S. Open in mid-June. It's reportedly the first time in years that Woods has used anything other than sex as a crutch.
* Team Chemistry, or Tour De Askance, or Have Merci — Tyler Hamilton, a former cycling teammate of Lance Armstrong, said on CBS's 60 Minutes that he saw Armstrong take performance-enhancing drugs, and that Armstrong encouraged teammates to participate in a doping program. Hamilton was the latest in a number of former Armstrong teammates to accuse him of doping. Armstrong insisted his detractors stop needling him, and pointed to over 500 passed drug tests as proof of his innocence, claiming that the only thing tested more than his blood was his patience.
* Calling His "Huff," or Quarter-Back? — Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown reiterated on Monday that Carson Palmer won't be traded once the lockout ends, although Palmer has threatened to retire if the Bengals do not trade him. Sources say Brown's hardball stance is working, and that Palmer may reconsider, with Cincy's dismal 4-12 record last year on his mind, and retire even if he's not traded.
* Standing Great Count — 46-year-old Bernard Hopkins won a unanimous decision over Jean Pascal to win the WBC light heavyweight championship, becoming the oldest man in boxing history to win a world title. Hopkins surpassed the accomplishment of George Foreman, who captured the heavyweight championship in 1994 at the age of 45. Should Hopkins ever face Mike Tyson, Tyson would more than likely threaten to eat Hopkins' grandchildren.
* We've Got Busch, or You Call it a Yellow Light, We Call it a Blue One — Kyle Busch was clocked running 128 mph in a 45-mph zone on Tuesday afternoon near Mooresville, North Carolina. He was cited for careless and reckless driving. Surprisingly, the Iredell County sheriff got out of his car and confronted Busch at the window of his car.
