Friday, July 29, 2011

Foul Territory: Compromising Positions

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Union of the Snake, or Shotgun Wedding — Ben Roethlisberger wed Ashley Harlan on Saturday in Ohio Township, Pennsylvania in a private ceremony marked by tight police security. Harlan said the magic words "I do," which stands in stark contrast to the words uttered by most of Roethlisberger's previous girlfriends, "I did?"

*Hey, Hey, Hey! It's Pat Albert!, Or Fat Chance, Or Baggage Claim—The Redskins traded Albert Haynesworth to the Patriots for a fifth-round pick in 2013, giving the disgruntled lineman a fresh start after two unhappy years in D.C. Amazingly, Democrats and Republicans on Capitol Hill unanimously agreed on the deal.

*Finally, Ochocinco Got His Wish, To Be Compared To Randy Moss--New England continued its free agent frenzy, signing former Bengal and social media icon Chad Ochocinco. The effervescent Ochocinco heralded the deal by mounting a horse and galloping through the streets of Foxboro, shouting "The Twittish are coming! The Twittish are coming!"

* He Tested Positive For Victory, Schleck Mate, or Cadel Yeah! — Cadel Evans won the Tour De France on Sunday, beating Luxembourg's Andy Schleck by 1 minute, 34 seconds, becoming the first Australian to capture the title. Evans celebrated by drinking champagne from the winner's cup, while simultaneously peeing in another. Evans said he looked forward to keeping the title "down under," and anticipated that to do so, he'd have to keep his testosterone measurements "down under" as well, of accepted levels.

* He's Baaaack (Tracking) — Allegedly, the Philadelphia Eagles are interested in making Brett Favre their backup quarterback should they trade Kevin Kolb as expected. Favre's agent, Bus Cook, said the talk was just "speculation," while former New York Jets employee Jenn Sterger said she was glad to see Favre flirting with retirement, and not her.

* He Crossed the Yellow Line, or Piss-Poor Judgment, or U.S.C.U.P. — University Of South Carolina quarterbacks coach G.A. Mangus was arrested early Tuesday and charged with nuisance conduct after police observed him urinating in a Greenville, SC street. Mangus was suspended indefinitely, and ordered to seek counseling, as well as leak counseling.

* You May Have Missed it, But She Didn't — Indiana Fever guard Katie Douglas hit the go-ahead three-pointer with 56.7 seconds left to power the East to a 118-113 win over the West in the WNBA All-Star Game on Saturday. In a related story, a tree fell in a forest and no one heard it.

* It is Long Enough, It is Good!, or Labor Party, or Compro-misers — The NFL lockout ended on Monday when the NFL Players Association voted unanimously on the terms of a new 10-year labor deal that appeased both sides. In this age of scandalous behavior exhibited by players and owners, it's certainly not the last time we will see them placed in compromising positions.

* He Can't "Walk" Just Yet, or Perju-ry-Play — Legal experts predict that Roger Clemens will likely face trial a second time on perjury charges. Clemens first trial was declared a mistrial on July 14th because the prosecution showed inadmissible evidence to the jury, evidence, the defense argued, that would be hard to misremember once seen.

* First, He Had His "Front" Out, Now it's His "Bottom" Out" — Tiger Woods' tumble down the world golf rankings continued, as he slipped to 21st in the latest rankings released Monday. If Woods' recent rankings history could be put to a Tom Petty song, it would likely be "Free Fallin'." That, of course, pales in comparison to the Tom Petty songs that Woods' ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, could apply to her situation. Those include, "Don't Do Me Like That," "Breakdown," "Don't Come Around Here No More," "Change of Heart," "Runnin' Down a Dream," "Learning to Fly," "Into the Great Wide Open," and "You Don't Know How it Feels," to name a few.

* It Was One Heck of a "Blow" Out — Dennis Rodman celebrated his 50th birthday in Las Vegas last Tuesday, visiting numerous strip clubs and handing out cigars to herald the launch of his WB Brand Cigar line. It was a party to remember, and possibly the first to boast the intersection of Prince Albert, the tobacco, and Prince Albert, the piercing.

* This is No Time to Have a "Cavallari" Attitude, or She's Out of His League — Jay Cutler suddenly called off his engagement to The Hills beauty Kristin Cavallari, who had planned to move to Chicago during the upcoming NFL season. Millions of Bears fans speculated on the reason, with most hoping and praying it was because Cutler thought he could "do better."