Foul Territory: Pro’s, Probes, and Problems
August 26, 2011 by Jeffrey Boswell • Print Story •
* A Three-Pointer's Not the Only Thing He's Nailed — Kim Kardashian married former New Jersey Net Kris Humphries in a lavish ceremony at an exclusive Montecito, California estate on Saturday. It was a union between an athlete who did nothing as a Net and a socialite who did everything on the 'net.
* Guilty Until Proven Guiltier, or Gravity Search, or Putting the "Pro" in Probe — The University of Miami is investigating the eligibility of 15 athletes who may have received illegal benefits from booster Nevin Shapiro. You could say an investigator looking in to the allegations is much like a Hurricane athlete taking an exam, in that both already "know the answers."
* Peyton's Displace, or Neck Tied — The Indianapolis Colts signed Kerry Collins on Tuesday, an indication that Peyton Manning may not be ready for the season opener on September 11th as he recovers from offseason neck surgery. Once informed of the possibility of having Collins start in his stead, Manning upgraded his rehabilitation from "diligent" to "furious," then displayed the fruits of his efforts by tilting his injured neck as he knocked back a bottle of Gatorade.
* Tim Tebow's Going to Hell (Because if He Goes Any Lower on the Depth Chart, He'll Meet Satan) — Denver Broncos head coach John Fox officially named Kyle Orton the starting quarterback, while Tim Tebow looks to be the third-stringer behind Brady Quinn. Somehow, it sounds much more impressive when New England's Brian Hoyer boasts that he's "Brady's backup."
* Charity Case-O, or Can We Reasonably Assume That Questionable Hits on Ochocinco Are Now Free? — Chad Ochocinco said he will pay the $20,000 fine levied against Tampa Bay rookie linebacker Mason Foster for a hit on Ochocinco in the Bucs/Patriots game on August 18th. Commissioner Roger Goodell, whom Ochocinco called "Dad" in a tweet, said he's been overwhelmed by similar offers from other players willing to "pay" for a hit on Ochocinco.
* Black Hole, Son, or His Chances of Becoming a Good Quarterback in Oakland Are Terre(B)le — The Oakland Raiders used a third-round pick in Monday's NFL supplemental draft to select Terrelle Pryor. Pryor won't be able to play or practice until he serves the five-game suspension handed down by the NFL last week. In the meantime, Pryor is expected to contribute in the Raiders merchandising department, where his experience in moving jerseys will come in handy.
* Burress is Thankful For Mark Sanchez's Itchy Trigger Finger, But Not His Own — New York Jets wide receiver Plaxico Burress caught a touchdown pass in the Jets 27-7 win over the Bengals on Sunday night, then bowed to an appreciative Meadowlands crowd. Burress had three catches for 66 yards and the score, making it the first time he's "went off" since November 28, 2008.
* Giving Aural, or High and Inside — St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Matt Holliday had to leave Monday night's game against the Dodgers after a moth got stuck in his right ear. Trainers used a pair of forceps to remove the moth, which was still alive. Holliday's inner ear trouble unofficially made Monday night "Matt Holliday 'Bobblehead' Night" at Busch Stadium.
* Get the "H" Out Of Here! Crist is Notre Dame's Quarterback?! — Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly named senior Dayne Crist as the Irish's starting quarterback, beating out sophomore Tommy Rees. Crist has fought back from two major knee injuries, but said that won't limit him, especially since, due to a strong Catholic upbringing, he's got a "Canon" for an arm.
* Speed Demon-ized — Kyle Busch had his driving privileges revoked for 45 days as a result of his speeding charge on May 24. Busch was busted going 128 in a 45 mph zone in Mooresville, NC. He was also fined $1,000, given one-year of probation, handed a suspended 30-day jail sentence, and also ordered to complete 30 hours of community service. Ironically, Busch said he was in "no hurry" to complete the terms of his sentence.