Friday, January 20, 2012

Foul Territory: Tebow-ing, Rob Lowe-ing, T.O.-wning

By Jeffrey Boswell

* True Lies, or and We All Know Tiger Woods Deals Only With "Professionals," or Masters Bait — Tiger Woods called the book by his former swing coach Hank Haney "unprofessional" and said he will not read it. The book, titled "The Big Miss," is scheduled for release just prior to The Masters. The book chronicles Haney's tenure as Woods' coach from 2004 until May 2010, when Haney told Woods the same thing that Woods once told Elin Nordegren: "My swinging days are over."

* Bum Rushed, or the Seminoles Went on a 12,200 "Run" to End the Game — Florida State beat No. 3-ranked North Carolina 90-57 on Saturday, handing the Heels their most lopsided defeat under Roy Williams. Seminole guard Deividas Dulkys scored a career-high 32 points, including the game-winning three-pointer with 14:34 left in the second half. Williams removed his starters with 14 seconds left to avoid to onrush of FSU fans storming the court. It's unclear who had an easier time engulfing five Tar Heels — FSU fans or FSU players.

* The Judge Made it "Arraign" — Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Pacman Jones pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct in Ohio, stemming from an incident in July at a downtown Cincinnati bar. Jones, who has been suspended twice by the NFL, will likely face discipline again from the league, and should he plead for leniency, Roger Goodell will likely reply, "Why should I? I don't know you from Adam."

* Finally, He's Taking Ownership of Something — Terrell Owens announced that he will play for and become co-owner of the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League. Owens now becomes the second washed-up NFL star to endorse Wranglers.

* O.C. Sayonara, or Mike Check Out — Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz is retiring from the coaching profession after 20 years in the NFL. And, unlike his offenses as of late, no one is going to stop him.

* Second Coming — John Elway said Tim Tebow will begin the 2012 season as the Broncos starting quarterback. The announcement came as a surprise to no one, especially Brady Quinn. It's possible Elway's perceived endorsement of Tebow was misconstrued, as Elway stated, "We plan to make some upgrades in our passing game, starting at quarterback, Tim Tebow."

* GGGlutton For Punishment — New Orleans defensive coordinator Gregg Williams accepted the coordinator position in St. Louis, joining good friend Jeff Fisher, who was officially named Rams head coach on Tuesday. In the Saints 36-32 loss to the 49ers on Saturday, Williams' defense couldn't stop San Francisco's offense once. Now, in the NFC West, Williams' defense won't be able to stop the 49er offense twice.

* Horse-Shoo!, or Even Rob Lowe Could Have Predicted This Correctly — The Indianapolis Colts fired head coach Jim Caldwell on Thursday after a 2-14 season made difficult by the absence of Peyton Manning. Caldwell made the best, or worst, of a tough situation, depending on whom you ask. Most would agree, however, that Caldwell left a "last-ing" impression on the team.

* Lowe And Behold — Actor Rob Lowe tweeted on Wednesday, citing information he'd heard from "his people," that Peyton Manning planned to retire. Lowe is good friends with Colts owner Jim Irsay, and even better friends with hearsay and rumor. Manning cleared the confusion with a tweet of his own, in which he confirmed he was retiring, but only for the night, because he was sleepy.

* That's a Mound of Cash, or Big League Yu — Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish signed a six-year, $60 million deal with the Texas Rangers on Wednesday. Including a $51.7 million posting bid, the Rangers paid more than $111 million for Darvish. Reportedly, Darvish has seven solid pitches in his repertoire, while his agent has one great "pitch."

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