Thursday, February 2, 2012
NFL Weekly Predictions: Super Bowl XLVI
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
NY Giants vs. New England (-3)
Super Bowl XLVI pits the Giants against the Patriots in a rematch of Super Bowl XLII, in which Eli Manning and the G-Men stunned Tom Brady and the undefeated Patriots, 17-14. This time, Brady again faces Eli Manning's team, but on Peyton Manning's turf, Indianapolis' Lucas Oil Stadium, home of the finest luxury suite attendants in the NFL, the "Personal Lubricants."
"Paul Revere made the biggest announcement in Patriots history," Brady said, "when he rode his horse through the streets shouting, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!' That is, until Billy Cundiff mounted a goat and traveled the streets of Indy yelling, 'The Patriots are coming! The Patriots are coming!' Cundiff is an albatross on a team of Ravens. He hooked that fateful kick so bad, it ended up in New Hampshire.
"But this Super Bowl isn't about errant kickers. It's about me and Eli. Eli's one-upped me. That's something Peyton can't say. Sure, Peyton is sport's greatest pitchman. He stars in commercials like I do in Super Bowls.
"Peyton didn't monopolize all the football talent among his siblings, just the personality. Eli may have bested me in Super Bowl XLII, but this time, I'll have the last laugh. How can I be so sure? Because I'm employing the 'Ben Roethlisberger Method of Self-Affirmation': I'm locking myself in a bathroom, looking in the mirror, and repeating to myself, 'I will not be denied. I will not be denied.' If history is any indication, I can't lose."
The Giants stormed through the playoffs, knocking off the No. 1-seeded Packers before eliminating the No. 2-seeded 49ers 20-17 in overtime in the NFC championship game.
"There's only one team left that can beat us," Eli Manning said. It's not the Patriots. It's us. How do I know? We've done it seven times already this year.
"With a win, I'll have two Super Bowl wins, both over Tom Brady and the Patriots. Who says I'm not in a class with Brady, besides everyone but me? Most people say the only way I can be in the same class with Brady is if he's teaching it. I'll dispel that notion by winning on Sunday. Or by marrying a supermodel on Monday.
"Surprisingly, Brady and I are afterthoughts to the real quarterback news around the league. No, I'm not talking about Peyton's future as a Colt. It's Tim Tebow. I understand Tebow is still in the news. It appears that Kim Kardashian wants a relationship with the Denver quarterback. Amazingly, they have much in common. Tebow is saving himself for marriage. Kardashian saved herself from marriage. Neither has had sex with Kris Humpries. Both Tebow and Kardashian are fond of the same New Testament book: Peter's. Tebow spreads the word. Kardashian spreads. Everyone, me included, wants to know what happens when the 'Holy Trinity' meets the 'Hole-y Trinity.'"
Super Bowl festivities begin when Kelly Clarkson belts out a rousing and moving rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" that renders an appreciative crowd hopeful and optimistic. That is, hopeful and optimistic that Jimi Hendrix is not dead, and the NFL will contract with him to perform the anthem on his guitar in all future Super Bowls.
Sufficiently fired up, the Giants win the coin toss and defer, giving the Patriots the ball first, with the intent of unleashing their front four on Brady. Everyone knows the key to the Giants success is pressuring Brady with four rushers, thus dropping seven defenders in coverage, which should be plenty to blanket the underneath routes for which the Pats are famous.
But New England has a counter, and that's the deep ball, and Brady connects with Aaron Hernandez for a long gain that sets up a Stephen Gostkowski field goal. It's 3-0 Patriots.
The G-Men come back with a solid drive of their own, as Manning hooks up with Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks, as two receivers from the wrong side of the tracks find themselves on the right side of midfield. A shovel pass to Ahmad Bradshaw gives the Giants a 7-3 lead.
It's nip and tuck until halftime, and the Giants take a 17-13 lead into the break.
The Super Bowl halftime show begins with Madonna emerging from a giant football at midfield, where she appears lying on a bed in a Tebow jersey. Fittingly, she starts a medley of her hits with "Like a Virgin" as she writhes provocatively on the sheets.
Then she dons a No. 1 Colts jersey and delights the hometown fans with "Luck-y Star," then audibles into "Justify My Love" while ripping off her top to reveal a Peyton Manning jersey featuring the number "?"
Madonna then salutes conference championship patsies Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams with a touching version of her 1986 hit "Live to Tell."
Then, in her tribute to "official review," Madonna flashes a team of dancers dressed as NFL referees, leading into the song, "Don't Cry For Me, Mike Pereira."
Nikki Minaj joins Madonna onstage for the finale, wearing the "torpedo" brassiere Madonna made famous. The duo test the bounds of censorship when Madonna yanks the laces on Minaj's top, but instead of an R-rated image, the brassiere fires a series of jet-propelled Super Bowl XLVI t-shirts, one of which amazingly strikes a fan wearing a former Cleveland Browns offensive lineman Orlando Brown's No. 77 jersey in the eye.
The Giants take the second-half kickoff and cash in with a Lawrence Tynes field goal. The teams trade field goals, and with time dwindling in the fourth quarter, Brady engineers a 75-yard touchdown drive that ties the game at 23 with a 13-yard pass to Rob Gronkowski.
Unfortunately, New England leaves Manning and the Giants just enough time to maneuver into field goal range, buoyed by Manning's 11-yard scramble on third and long. Tynes drills the 29-yard kick for the win.
New York wins, 26-23.