Friday, March 23, 2012

Foul Territory: Girlie Dunks, Sainted Punks

By Jeffrey Boswell

Peyton Re-Place, It's Elway and the Highway, or the Broncos Finally Found Their Savior — Peyton Manning will play in Denver in 2012 after choosing to join the Broncos, leaving Tim Tebow as the odd man out. Manning's heavily-anticipated decision came after visits with the Titans, 49ers, Cardinals, and Broncos. Ironically, the last person to learn of Manning's decision was LeBron James.

The "V" is For "Vertical," Chocolate Thund-her, Dunkin' Nonuts, or the Shot Heard Around — Baylor's Brittney Griner dunked in the Bears 76-57 NCAA tournament win over Florida on Tuesday night. She became the second woman to dunk in the NCAA tournament. Slam Dunk Contest judges in attendance universally scored it a "2."

Tim For Tat — In the wake of Manning's signing, Tim Tebow was traded to the New York Jets on Wednesday. Tebow was in no way upset about being uprooted in Denver due to Manning, and was, in fact, elated, because the deal verified the existence of a "supreme being."

Goodell Cleaned Up New Orleans Way Faster Than FEMA Did, or You Don't Get Paid For Taking Hits — Sean Payton was suspended without pay for a year for his role in the New Orleans Saints bounty scandal, while former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was banned indefinitely. General manager Mickey Loomis was banned for eight games, and the team was fined $500,000 and lost two second-round draft picks. Oddly, though, no beads were awarded in New Orleans for these busts.

Tarred And Fettered, or Right Hand, Man, or Carpel Tar Heel Syndrome — North Carolina point guard Kendall Marshall broke his right wrist late in Sunday's win over Creighton, and had surgery to insert a screw on Monday. It was the second major wrist injury suffered by a Tar Heel, as forward Jon Henson sprained his left wrist in the first round of the ACC tournament. The basketball injuries followed a flurry of similar wrist injuries that befell the UNC football team, most as a result of handcuffs being on too tight.

Uh Oh! There's Another Former Packer Quarterback on the Loose, or For Once, Tarvaris Jackson Didn't Get Benched For His Play — The Seattle Seahawks signed free agent quarterback Matt Flynn, who spent four seasons in Green Bay, to a three-year, $26 million deal. Flynn, in the true fashion of a former Packer quarterback, relayed the news of his contract by sending a text boasting of his "big, fat one."

Steel Curtains — Hines Ward retired after 14 years with the Pittsburgh Steelers, saying it "wouldn't feel right" to play for another team. Ward said a comeback was unlikely, although a crackback was.

Off the Hook, or Points-Counterpoints — NASCAR's penalties against Jimmie Johnson and crew chief Chad Knaus were overturned on Tuesday. Johnson was originally docked 25 points, while Knaus faced a six-race suspension and a $100,000 fine. NASCAR's reversal was an indication of its new "Boys, have it back" policy.

Agent Zero Tolerance, or I Guess This Means He'll Be "Packing," or Hired Gun — The Grizzlies signed former Washington Wizard guard Gilbert Arenas to beef up their 17th–ranked scoring offense. In light of Arenas past transgressions, Grizzlies officials have asked Arenas to maintain a low profile, which would, ironically, make him a "concealed weapon."

When the Starter Becomes the Backup Plan, or Second Choice Words — Alex Smith agreed to remain with the San Francisco 49ers, even after the team seriously courted Peyton Manning. Smith signed a three-year deal that could pay him up to $33 million. At a time when he could have complained about being treated like a dog — first they wanted him to "sit," then they wanted him to "stay" — Smith maintained a professional attitude.

Contents copyright © Sports Central 1998-2017