Saturday, April 28, 2012

Foul Territory: Atomic Elbows and Super Bugs

By Jeffrey Boswell

* World Be Free (in 7 Games), or Forearm in the Forum, Peace of Ass, or Forward, March — Metta World Peace was suspended seven games by the NBA for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma City's James Harden on Sunday. With the suspension, Commissioner David Stern unseated the Republic of North Korea as the greatest threat to World Peace.

* Mickey, Mickey, Why Ya' Buggin', or No Audible Sighs, or That's Mic'd Up — The New Orleans Saints denied a report alleging that general manager Mickey Loomis had his booth in the Superdome wired in order to listen to opposing coaches' radio communications. The news will likely result in yet another reason for Roger Goodell to "sound off."

* Smokey and the Bandits, This is Certainly Not the Kind of Escort Service to Which NFL Players Are Accustomed — San Francisco 49ers running back Brandon Jacobs was involved in a high-speed, police-escorted caravan to Atlantic City, with speeds reportedly reaching 100 miles per hour. Reportedly, it was the first time Jacobs has been cited for above-average speed.

* Pick a Winner, or Finally, Roger Goodell Made an Announcement That Didn't Involve the Saints — The Indianapolis Colts, as expected, made Stanford's Andrew Luck the No. 1 pick in Thursday's NFL Draft, while Robert Griffin III was chosen second by Washington. Griffin insisted there was no shame in going second to a quarterback chosen No. 1 by the Colts, an assertion vehemently denied by Ryan Leaf.

* Game "On," or Mega-Tron: Legacy — Calvin Johnson will appear on the cover of the "Madden NFL 13" video game after beating out Cam Newton in an online vote for the honor. Johnson said the "Madden Curse" doesn't worry him, and added that the only "cursing" in Detroit will be coming from the mouth of fiery head coach Jim Schwartz.

* Mustang Rally, or an Air Jordan Apparel Contract is Highly Unlikely — Larry Brown was introduced on Monday as Southern Methodist head basketball coach. The 71-year-old Brown said he was in it for the "long haul," despite a number of "Pony Express" jokes to the contrary.

* Let's Just Hope Payton Doesn't Teach Them Everything He Knows, or Ban-ner Year — New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton will help coach his 11-year-old son Connor's football team in Dallas as he serves his one-year suspension for the team's bounty scandal. No one was happier than Connor, who was thrilled at the potential to finally be paid an allowance. Payton made it clear he won't be paid, if for no other reason than to prevent Connor from having to answer the question, "What was the price on his head?"

Bulls#*t on Parade, Innocent Blood, or Juice on the Loose — Roger Clemens' lawyer Rusty Hardin, in the opening statements of Clemens' retrial on charges that he lied to Congress, claimed steroid evidence had been manipulated. When asked to comment on Hardin's interjections, Clemens not only perjured himself, he pissed himself.

* "Split" Decision, or Girl, Intercepted, or Pilar of Assault, or Stay Classy — Deion Sanders tweeted on Monday that his estranged wife Pilar had attacked him, and Sanders even posted pictures of he and his sons filling out police reports. Allegedly, Pilar tried to tackle Deion, but in true Sanders fashion, failed.

* The Jordan Fools, or These 'Cats Have More Lives Than Wins — The Charlotte Bobcats lost to the Knicks to finish the NBA season with a 7-59 mark, setting the record for the worst winning percentage in NBA history. The Bobcats finished with a .106 winning percentage, but will have a 25% chance of winning the No. 1 pick in the NBA Draft Lottery, which is called "improvement" in owner Michael Jordan's vernacular.

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