Friday, May 4, 2012

Foul Territory: Athletes Behaving Normally

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Jewish Panhandler? Oxymoron; Delmon Young? Just a Moron — Detroit's Delmon Young was suspended by Major League Baseball for seven days without pay following his arrest last week on a hate crime harassment charge last week in New York. Young yelled anti-Semetic epithets at a panhandler wearing a yarmulke and a Star of David. Young was ordered to take a sensitivity training class, and also sentenced to a subway ride with John Rocker.

* When the Fist Meets the Glass, You Become a Dumbass, That's Amare, or Healthy Scratch — Amare Stoudemire punched a glass casing surrounding a fire extinguisher minutes after a frustrating Knicks loss to the Miami Heat on Monday, suffering cuts that required surgery. Stoudemire missed Game 3 of the series on Tuesday, but downplayed the extent of the injury, saying it was just a "Knick."

* 'Baugh, Humbug! The Patriots Counted Ways to Defend Themselves, on Three Fingers — John Harbaugh said the Patriots three Super Bowl championships are tainted by the Spygate scandal, and those titles "got asterisks now." Several in the Patriots organization defended themselves, adding that when inlaid in championship rings, asterisks look a lot like diamonds.

* Boston T'd Party — Rajon Rondo was suspended for Game 2 of the Celtics series with the Hawks for bumping referee Marc Davis while protesting a call. Rondo said the discipline was unjustified, and cited the case of Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, who was guilty of way more "bumps" and wasn't disciplined at all.

* Re-Misremember, or Injection of Doubt — Andy Petitte took the stand on Tuesday in Roger Clemens' perjury trial, and testified that Clemens told him he had taken human growth hormone. Pettitte later said he could have misunderstood what Clemens had said, which the prosecution characterized as the best curveball Pettitte's ever thrown.

* He Aced the Physical Exam, But "Deuced" the Wonderlic Test — The Buffalo Bills worked out quarterback Vince Young on Wednesday, looking to add depth behind Harvard graduate Ryan Fitzpatrick, which is as close as Young will ever get to Harvard.

* Vil-ified, or Jonathan Swift-boated, or Paying the Price — New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma was suspended for the entire 2012 season for his role in the team's bounty system. Although Vilma now has a wide-open schedule, Commissioner Roger Goodell insisted he received no incentive for "cleaning his clock."

* His Football Skills Are Limited, But He's Now the Raiders Best "Player" — Oakland Raiders signed Matt Leinart to a one-year contract on Tuesday, where he'll back up fellow USC alum Carson Palmer at quarterback. Leinart now becomes the most-eligible bachelor in Oakland. In related news, Sebastian Janikowski plans to give up GHB and use Leinart to meet women.

* It Was the High Point of His Career, or Boston Brewin,' or Not-So-Clean Monster — Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd admitted he used crack cocaine every day of the 1986 season with the Boston Red Sox. Boyd was 16-10 that year with a 3.78 ERA, statistics that belie the fact that he got "rocked" often.

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