Saturday, May 19, 2012

Foul Territory: Ranters, Ravers, and Slow Players

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Ironically, Vilma Found a Good Lawyer By Hiring a Headhunter — Suspended New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma filed a defamation lawsuit against Roger Goodell on Thursday, claiming the commissioner crippled Vilma's reputation and harmed his football earning potential. Vilma said if he can't play defense this year, then Goodell will have to.

* Na Na Na Boo Boo, Fore! Hours Too Long, or Na't Fast Enough — Kevin Na was heckled mercilessly for slow play at The Players Championship, and fell from first to seventh in the final round. Reportedly, Na's slow play so enraged Elin Nordegren, she attempted to assault him with a "long" iron.

* How Do You Get Fluid Out of the Ear of the UFC President? You "Tap" it Out — UFC president Dana White will have surgery to treat a recently diagnosed case of Ménière's disease, a condition characterized by elevated levels of inner ear fluid, which can affect balance and hearing. Following the surgery, White will stop wearing "Affliction" t-shirts.

* Booty Call, or What Has More Holes? Clemens' Story, or His Butt? — Brian McNamee testified he first gave Roger Clemens a shot of steroids in 1998, injecting an anabolic steroid into Clemens' right buttocks in Toronto when Clemens was a Blue Jay. It was the first of many injections administered by McNamee. McNamee said he also injected Clemens wife Debbie in the buttocks with human growth hormone, a claim that is sure to "buttress" the prosecution's arguments.

* Cavalier Aptitude — Cleveland's Kyrie Irving was named the NBA's rookie of the year on Tuesday, joining LeBron James as the only Cavaliers to win the award. For once in Cleveland, fans lauded "the decision."

* It's Not That Time of the Month, It's That Time of the Year, or Girl on Girl Action — The WNBA tipped off its 16th season on Friday as the Seattle Storm hosted the Los Angeles Sparks. If you didn't already know that, then you must be a basketball fan.

* Fat Chance — Donovan McNabb has dropped 20 pounds and is staying in shape in hopes that he'll play again in the NFL. Eagles head coach Andy Reid said he'd "highly recommend" teams give McNabb a shot. McNabb said he's got a lot left in the tank; he just hope he can keep it there and not "lose it" on the field.

* Busch Baby — NASCAR fined Kurt Busch $50,000 and placed him on probation until July 25th for his actions at Darlington last Saturday. Busch sped through Ryan Newman's pit stall and bumped Newman's car after the race, sparking a heated confrontation between crew members of the two teams. The oft-fined Busch unofficially became the driver to have experienced the most "G's."

* Man-ny Overboard, or Philli- Fanatic, or We All Thought Manny Understood the Sweet Science — Manny Pacquiao was banned from the Grove, a ritzy Los Angeles shopping mall, after stating that he feels homosexual men should be "put to death." Pacquiao's inflammatory statements accomplished the near-impossible — by making Floyd Mayweather seem more likable.

* For a Change, Someone's Paying Taylor For Something — Lawrence Taylor is auctioning off his Super Bowl XXV ring, and expects to make $100,000 from the sale. The ring is encrusted with 19 diamonds, as well as 20 years worth of cocaine residue.

Contents copyright © Sports Central 1998-2017