Thursday, May 24, 2012

Worst Golf Partners

By Angus Saul

We're always so focused on the pros that we forget ourselves very quickly. Their victories, defeats, trials and tribulations are far more important than our own. But why should they be? After all, we have a much harder time of it, what with being partnered up with some of the worst partners in history.

Every club has its elitists, and though golf isn't quite the exclusive game it once was, it still has its fair share of mild eccentrics. So I thought, why not point them out? We can't name and shame, but we can at least shame.

Running Late Guy

There's always one isn't there? You have your tee off time sorted, you tell everyone a week in advance, and remind them the day before, but five minutes before you're due to tee off your phone rings – "Hey, I'm running a little late, setting off now, be there in 10." But of course, it's soon 15 or 20. And it's not a one-off. It's every week.

On the Phone Guy

You're about to take a putt to finally make par on the seventh, when your partner's phone rings. Having a phone switched on is against club policy, but "it's just advice, not a rule'" or so he says anyway. He then proceeds to chat for a couple of minutes, before you throw him a dirty look and he's like, "Sorry, bro, on the course at the moment, talk later." Later is apparently when he's spending five minutes getting ready to tee off on the ninth.

Club Thrower

I have to come clean — this one's me. Or it certainly used to be. But it annoys everyone else. You muck up the fairways with dirty great holes, or else spend longer picking up your club than you do playing a shot. And your partner is having a rubbish time while you're having a temper tantrum. Not cool guys, not cool.

Guy With the Buggy

"My knees are just a bit off today, they twinged a bit when I got out of bed this morning." Sure they did, you big lump of lard, sitting there like the king. You just fancied a sit down you lazy so and so.

Guy With the Caddy

Seriously? Golf is fairly expensive to play nowadays, with green fees going up and club membership fees rising too. But you think it'll reflect well on yourself to flaunt your money by hiring a caddy from the club? It doesn't. You just look like a prat with money. And no, if you've got your grandson or nephew to caddy for you for free, that's even worse.

Two Off the Tee

"Whoa, that one went way right. I think I'll just try that one again" or "I topped that one a bit, I can hit a good forty yards further, I'll just take another" are this guy's favorite phrases. Doesn't matter if their shot was twice as good as yours, it wasn't good enough for them, so they'll have another try. They wouldn't ever take three, though — that would going too far.

100 Practice Swings

Okay, so it's not always 100, but if you're an adult, and not a total beginner, if you take more than about three practice swings, you're in grave danger of annoying your partner. If you are a regular offender, all I can say is I hope you're a great conversationalist.

"Remember My Hole-in-One" Guy

We all know a guy like this. It's not necessarily a hole-in-one story, but it'll be some story from the glory days when they won the club championships back in '79, or when they sank an albatross (or double eagle) on the tricky 14th, after landing in a bunker from the tee shot. They just keep going on with that same dead story. But the reason it annoys everyone else so much, is because we don't have a story like it yet.

"Helpful" Guy

Whether you ask for help or not, this guy is always on hand to fix your perfectly acceptable swing. All he succeeds in doing is annoying you, putting you off your game, and quite possibly ruining your swing.

"Haven't Played in a While" Guy

This should really be in a part one and part two. Both of them say they haven't played in a while, and both say, "I'm just a bit rusty." One will go on to have a brilliant round, beating everyone by miles, because you all agreed to give him a low handicap. The other remains "rusty" for the next three years, and frankly needs to spend a little less time watching the Masters, and a little longer on the driving range.

Compliments Guy

"What a shot! You're getting better by the hole!" This guy's permanently chipper attitude is the annoying thing here. He compliments all of your shots, no matter how poor they were. "Unlucky" and "poor shot, man" are not in his vocabulary.

"Put a Twenty on it!" Guy

You're having a perfectly nice day; everything's going fine, nothing out of the ordinary. You could be having a great round, or a not so great one, but this guy will always see an opportunity to start betting on the next hole; the whole round; the back nine; the next drive; the last putt; anything that you can possibly bet on. It doesn't matter how many times you've said no in the past, the words "why don't we make this interesting" will never cease to roll from his tongue.

I am sure I've not covered everything, so if you can think of any more annoying golf partners, be sure to leave a comment.

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