Friday, May 25, 2012

Foul Territory: Metta World Miscellany

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Stan, Bye, You're (Not the) Man, or Howard's End — The Orlando Magic fired coach Stan Van Gundy and parted ways with general manager Otis Smith. It appears that not only does Dwight Howard pull muscles, he pulls strings and plugs, as well.

* Men and Juice, or to Roger Clemens, This Struck a Nerve, Which is a Lot Like Hitting a Vein — A man testified Monday that he saw Roger Clemens at a 1998 party hosted by Jose Canseco, a party Clemens denied attending. Jurors were shown a picture of then 11-year-old Alexander Lowry next to Clemens at the party. Asked what an 11-year-old was doing at the party, Lowry reportedly replied that, like a syringe loaded with a banned substance, he was an "injection of youth."

* "Bow" to the Masses — Gamers will be able to "Tebow" in EA Sports NFL Madden 13 video game, which will be released on August 28th. It's yet another dimension of reality for the iconic game, for players with little real football talent will be able to "Tebow," just like in the NFL.

* He Would Have Had No Problem Filling Those Shoes, or Bad Move and Bad Movie — Shaquille O'Neal decided not to pursue the Orlando Magic's general manager opening. It was a potential hiring that was destined to fail: the last time Shaq was paired with magic, the world got Kazaam.

* Fu' Fighter — Cleveland Browns linebacker Scott Fujita said he did not participate in the Saints bounty program. The NFL suspended Fujita three games for contributing "a significant amount" of money towards a bounty pool, an allegation he says is not true. On the Fujita scale, the former Saint said he'd give Roger Goodell an "FU."

* He Almost Became a New York "Islander," or Anything But a Law-Abiding Citizen, or Got Jah! — New York Jets defensive tackle Kenrick Ellis will serve 45 days in jail as part of a plea agreement on assault charges. Ellis, who was born in Jamaica, is not a United States citizen and could have faced deportation if convicted of felony assault. Ellis said he has no intentions of "Tebowing" while incarcerated.

* He's Only Lost a Step on the Field, or Floor General — Green Bay's Donald Driver was crowned winner of Dancing With the Stars on Tuesday. Driver likened the victory to winning the Super Bowl, while everyone else likened Driver's comparison to the Hyper Bowl. Driver received a number of congratulatory text messages, while his partner, Peta Murgatroyd, received only one, from Brett Favre.

* Call it "Metta-phorically" Speaking, or Go on With Your Bad Self, or Thunder Clap — The Thunder closed out the Lakers in Oklahoma City on Monday night, winning 106-90 to take the series 4-1. Despite losing, L.A.'s Metta World Peace said the Lakers were the better team. OKC's James Harden pointed out that World Peace's elbow accomplished something the Lakers couldn't — seven games.

* Court Fester, or Suit Yourself — The NFL Players Association filed a lawsuit against the NFL, claiming the league colluded with owners to establish a secret salary cap in 2010. It will likely be the first time the term "Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game" will be used in court. In response to the union's allegation, the NFL called "B.S.," which must be the initials of their legal counsel.

* Close, But No Cigar, or He Hesitated to Say He'd Like to "Make it a Habit" — Tiger Woods said he's close to regularly contending on the PGA Tour. It's likely the first time Woods has been called a "regular" on the Tour by anyone other than his numerous mistresses.

* I'll Show You Mine Once You Show Me Yours — Roger Goodell said he expects evidence in the Saints bounty cases will be made public once all player appeals and lawsuits have been heard or settled. At the current rate of litigation, that should be sometime in the next decade.

* Hall Pass, or Five For Citing — Rusty Wallace headlined the group of five selected to enter NASCAR's Hall of Fame, joining Leonard Wood, Herb Thomas, Cotton Owens, and Buck Baker. Wallace's former teammate Ryan Newman eagerly volunteered to induct Wallace, saying he's always wanted to "bust" Wallace.

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