Friday, June 29, 2012

Foul Territory: Time For Cornea Jokes

By Jeffrey Boswell

* You Mean A Man Was Injured in a Fight Involving Chris Brown?, Or the Game Plan Called For Putting a Hand in His Face, Or it's Time For Some Cornea Jokes — Tony Parker said he almost lost his eye in a fight involving Chris Brown and Drake at the W.i.P. club in SoHo on June 15th. Fortunately for Parker, this will make it much easier for him to "eyeball" Rhianna.

* In the Dogg Household, This Would Call For a "Toast" — Cordell Broadus, son of rapper Snoop Dogg and a rising high school sophomore, was offered a football scholarship by UCLA. Here's hoping Broadus can hold out for a scholarship to Michigan, so he can say, "Bow wow wow, yippy yo yippy yay, Cordell Broadus in the mother f'n Big House."

* Apparently, Anderson Silva Speaks "Broken" English, or Portuguese Manifesto of War — Anderson Silva vowed to break Chael Sonnen's arms, legs, and "every one of his teeth" when the two meet at UFC 148 on July 7th. Sonnen defiantly replied that the only thing he'll submit to is a physical.

* The Night the Lights Went On in Georgia — Former Atlanta Falcons running back Jamal Anderson is facing a charge of driving under the influence after being pulled over by an officer in Dekalb County, Georgia early Sunday morning. It was the first stalled drive by a Falcon since Atlanta lost in the NFL playoffs 24-2 to the Giants.

* Hopefully He Won't Let the Money Go to His Head — The Pittsburgh Penguins and Sydney Crosby are finalizing a deal that will be worth $104.4 million over 12 years. Crosby, who missed much of the 2011-12 season due to the effects of a concussion, said, with no hint of irony, that the amount of the contract was "mind-boggling."

* It's a Perfect Way For the Women's Olympic Team to "Gel" — Olympic sprinter Justin Gatlin said Allyson Felix and Jeneba Tarmoh should wrestle in Jell-O to break the tie to determine the third women's representative in the 100-meter dash in London. It would likely be the first time an Olympian is determined on The Howard Stern Show.

* Money Talks, BCS Walks — A four-team playoff to determine a college football champion was approved by a board of university presidents. The system begins in 2014, and a selection committee will choose the four teams. Board members said they felt that a weight had been lifted from their shoulders, albeit only to be shifted to their pockets.

* Club Foot, or the Yankees Just Legged Out a Double — Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte is expected to miss six weeks after breaking his leg when he was hit by a batted ball on Wednesday. The injury came on the same day the Yankees placed C.C. Sabathia on the 15-day disabled list with a strained groin. If the Yankees' pitching staff were running to first, you could say they'd be "out by two feet."

* Spanish in Position — Spain beat Portugal 4-2 on penalty kicks after a scoreless tie to reach the finals of the UEFA Euro 2012 Cup, and will face Italy in Sunday's final. With a win, Spain can become the first team to sandwich two Euro titles around a World Cup championship, which would give them one more goal than they managed against Portugal.

* Matt Finish, or Cup A' Joe — Matt Kenseth will leave Roush Fenway Racing at season's end, but won't say where he'll be in 2013. Speculation is that Kenseth will sign with Joe Gibbs Racing, which is likely the only way the current Gibbs stable can claim ownership of a Sprint Cup championship.

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