Friday, July 27, 2012

Foul Territory: Stature of Limitations

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Par at Least One of the Final Four Holes, or Els!, or Great Scott! A Damn Choke, or He's Out in the Open — Ernie Els won the British Open on Sunday, charging to the front on the back nine while 54-hole leader, Australia's Adam Scott, bogeyed the final four holes. Scott's collapse will be written about for years to come, because sports writers, unlike some golfers, no what to do with a good lead.

* It's Like a Weight's Been Lifted, or Stature of Limitations, or False Idol — Penn State removed a statue of Joe Paterno outside Beaver Stadium on Saturday. The 7-foot, 900-pound bronze statue will be stored in an unnamed secure location. The removal was done quickly and without fanfare, so most people didn't even know it was going on.

* Ryan's Hope — Carolina Panthers' center Ryan Kalil bought a full-page add in the Charlotte Observer on Wednesday, predicting the team would win the Super Bowl. It reminded many fans of the last time a full-page ad was devoted to the Panthers, when it was a "Wanted" poster.

* Monarchy in the UK — Bradley Wiggins became the first Brit to capture the Tour De France, winning the grueling 2,100 mile race, and will now set his sights on winning Olympic gold. Wearing the winner's jersey, with a potential gold medal ahead, as well as a number of urine tests, you could say Wiggins' future is "bright yellow."

* Kenny Britt Spells Trouble, But Can He Spell "Trouble?" — Tennessee Titans' wide receiver Kenny Britt was arrested on Friday in Fort Campbell, Kentucky on a DWI charge. Because of numerous legal troubles, Britt will likely face suspension under the NFL's personal conduct policy, assuming he can safely and legally make it to a meeting with Roger Goodell.

* This Puts the "Packing" in "Packing Heat," or Dumb and Dumber — The Detroit Lions cut cornerback Aaron Berry on Monday, two days after he was arrested for simple assault, his second arrest of the offseason. He was arrested early Saturday after pointing a gun at three people in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Berry may have put himself out of work, but two people who remain very much employed are his lawyer and his agent.

* AL Far East Movement- — The Yankees acquired Ichiro Suzuki from the Mariners on Monday for pitching prospects D.J. Mitchell and Danny Farquhar. Ichiro, a 10-time all-star and two-time American League batting champ, will add depth to the Yankees outfield. For the free-spending Yankees, it seems that when the team has an itch, they scratch that "Ichiro."

* Bump and Run Coverage, or Momma, Don't Let Your Baby Grow Up to Beat a Cowboy (Mother) — Dez Bryant's mother said she doesn't want to press assault charges against her son, who slapped her with a baseball cap and ripped her clothing while grabbing her. Now, it would appear that Angela Bryant has as much a reputation for "drops" as her son.

* Mickey Rourke Must Have "Let Himself" Go" — Actor Mickey Rourke claims he beat Usain Bolt in an impromptu, late night after a night of drinking. Rourke claims he edged Bolt by a few inches in a 30-meter sprint, albeit aided by a head start. Bolt good-naturedly said the result would be different in a full 100-meter sprint, in which Rourke's time would likely be "9½ Weeks."

* He's Down With HBP — Alex Rodriguez's left hand was broken when he was hit by a pitch by Seattle's Felix Hernandez in the Yankees 4-2 loss to the Mariners on Tuesday. Interestingly enough, the acronym For "He Got Hurt" is "HGH."

* Grecian Formality, or Her Jumps Are Measured, But Not Her Words, or Hop, Skip, and a Dump- — Greek triple jumper Voula Papachristou was kicked out of the Olympics after she posted a racist joke on Twitter. Much like the Greek economy, Papachristou is headed south.

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