Saturday, August 25, 2012

Foul Territory: Dope Fiends, Shoe Kings

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Piss on This, or He Relieved Himself — The United State Anti-Doping Agency will strip Lance Armstrong of his seven Tour De France victories after he dropped his challenge of drug accusations. Armstrong was relieved to find that a ride off into the sunset does not come with a drug test.

* For the Right Price, Nike Will Sell You Their Sole, or Fit For a King — Nike plans to sell a version of its Lebron X sneakers for $315, meaning prospective buyers will have to make a tough "decision" before buying. The shoes' design is inspired by diamonds, as is its price.

* This Colon Smells Fishy, or A-Positive, or He's a Pitcher, So He Got "Caught," or Failure To Launch … a Website in Time to Explain Your Positive Test — Oakland A's pitcher Bartolo Colon was suspended for 50 games after testing positive for steroids. The 39-year-old Colon had a 3.43 ERA in 24 games, with no complete games and one incomplete website.

* Ladies' Room, or These Green Jackets Come With Shoulder Pads — Augusta National admitted its first female members since the club was founded in 1932, as former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and South Carolina financial guru Darla Moore were invited to join. The women's toughest test may lie in conquering the tough Augusta layout, or possibly in using a men's urinal.

* Sugar Rush, or They Grunt When You Eat Them — Maria Sharapova launched her new candy, Sugarpova, on Monday at the retail store of her partner, IT'Sugar. Next for Sharapova's candy empire is a merger with Skittles, to be affectionately called "Somewhere 'Ova the Rainbow."

* Midriff Crisis, or Good-natured Ribbing — X-rays on Michael Vick's ribs were negative after he was injured on the sixth play in Monday night's game against New England, his second injury of the preseason. Andy Reid said Vick will be ready for the season opener at Cleveland, although much like DeSean Jackson, he likely won't give 100%.

* Skeet "Shooter," or Rebel Without a Gauze — Roger Clemens signed to pitch with the Sugar Land Skeeters, an independent Atlantic League team, and is expected to take the mound on Saturday. "Skeeter" is slang for "mosquito," which makes it surprising that Clemens would play for a team nicknamed after something that punctures skin and leaves a trail of blood.

* The Jags' Offense Can't Go North to South, So They'll Go West to East — The Jacksonville Jaguars will play four "home" games in London, one each year starting in 2013. Owner Shahid Khan said it's an effort to extend the Jaguars' fan base, ideally worldwide, but realistically beyond a quarter-mile radius of EverBank Field.

* They Filled the Gap — Michael Strahan will reportedly join Kelly Ripa on Live! With Kelly as the show's permanent co-host, replacing Regis Philbin, who retired last fall. Strahan reportedly said he'd like to have Brett Favre on the show, which of course wouldn't be the first time Favre has "sat down" for Strahan.

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