Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Joe Flacco Facts
When Chuck Norris wants to eat toast, he just glares at bread and it toasts itself. When Joe Flacco wants toast, he gets a piece of bread, pops it in the toaster, sets the time, presses the handle, and waits. The 2012 season was Flacco's fifth year in the NFL. Every season, he has been roughly average. When you watch Ravens games, it's usually obvious that you're not seeing a great quarterback or a terrible quarterback, just Joe Flacco. If you compare Flacco's stats to other QBs, they're always pretty average, too. Chuck Norris doesn't have any NFL stats, but only because the NFL doesn't track roundhouse kicks.
With Flacco appearing in this year's Super Bowl, the media has begun looking for ways to pretend that Flacco is an exceptional QB, and we at Sports Central now present Joe Flacco Facts:
* Joe Flacco puts his pants on one leg at a time.
* The laws of gravity don't apply to Joe Flacco, when he's in a weightless environment.
* Joe Flacco once solved a Rubik's Cube, after someone showed him the trick for how to do it.
* When Joe Flacco's car gets dirty, he washes it himself, or takes it to a carwash.
* Joe Flacco once laughed so hard, milk came out his nose.
* When Joe Flacco was a child, he didn't have facial hair yet.
* Joe Flacco can finish a large pizza by himself.
* When Joe Flacco adds 2 + 2, the answer is always 4.
* Joe Flacco can turn water into ice water, by adding ice to it.
* When Joe Flacco unties his shoes, sometimes the laces get knotted.
* Joe Flacco's wife, Dana, is not imaginary, and did not die from leukemia.
* Some NFL players attended the University of Miami, because it's near the beach and it's a party school. Some go to USC, for pretty much the same reasons. Others go to Stanford or Notre Dame because of the academics. Joe Flacco accepted a scholarship to Pitt and eventually transferred to Delaware.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 15th in pass completions.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 20th in completion percentage.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 14th in passing yards.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 11th in yards per completion.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco tied for 15th in passing touchdowns.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 18th in TD%.
* Joe Flacco plays on a team with six players voted to the Pro Bowl, more than Denver or Atlanta.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 9th in TD/INT differential.
* That's good, but it's outside the top 25% of starting QBs, ranking behind two rookies and two whose teams missed the playoffs.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 6th in interception percentage.
* That's very good, but Flacco's 1.9% is 37% worse than Colin Kaepernick's 3rd-ranked 1.4%.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 14th in passer rating.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 15th in sack percentage.
* In 2012, Joe Flacco ranked 17th in net yards per attempt.
* Joe Flacco's dad, Steve Flacco, told The New York Times in an interview, "Joe is dull. As dull as he is portrayed in the media, he's that dull. He is dull."