Friday, February 22, 2013

Foul Territory: Fast Women and Old Men

By Jeffrey Boswell

* When You Mention "Draft" to Manti T'eo, He Gets Nervous, Because Wind is Invisible, Too — Manti T'eo told a newspaper that the much-publicized girlfriend hoax won't affect his draft standing. The draft is scheduled for April 25th, and Te'o said that's one "date" he plans to attend in person.

* And When He Laughed, His Belly Shook Like a Bowl Full of Petroleum Jelly, or Are You Sir-ious? — Karl Malone revealed that, while in the NBA, Charles Barkley kept Vaseline in his navel to apply to his lips. It was not the first time Barkley had admitted to receiving "lip service."

* In "Play Defense," "Play" is an Adjective, Not a Verb — The West defeated the East 143-138 in Sunday's NBA All-Star Game, and the Los Angeles Clippers Chris Paul was named the game's Most Valuable Player. When asked about the high-scoring affair, Paul quoted Delonte West and explained that true NBA defense is for the courtroom, and not he court.

* (Gray) Hair Jordan — Michael Jordan turned 50 on Sunday, fittingly on the same day as the NBA All-Star Game. Jordan celebrated by taking calls from the likes of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, while making sure to answer on the sixth ring.

* Unfortunately, Expectations Are Harder to Outrun Than Men, or "Q1" Up For the Ladies, or Babe of the Day(tona) — Danica Patrick won the pole for the Daytona 500 on Sunday with a lap of 196.434 miles per hour, outpointing Jeff Gordon. Patrick set women ahead 10 years, and set men back one qualifying position.

* Don't Play the Hater — Tim Tebow will speak on April 28th at the First Baptist Church of Dallas, whose pastor, Rev. Robert Jeffress, has been accused of pushing an anti-Semitic and homophobic agenda. Finally, Tebow can perform in front of a large group of people that believe in him.

* "Hole" That Tiger, or He Was Packing Heat — Tampa Bay's Da'Quan Bowers was arrested on Monday at Laguardia Airport after police found a loaded .40 caliber handgun in his luggage. Bowers was jailed, but felt right at home, because New York cops, much like the Clemson marching band, were playing "Hold That Tiger."

* Hand Check, or When Push Comes to Shame — The Pac-12 reprimanded California coach Mike Montgomery for shoving his own player, Allen Crabbe, on Sunday night. After initially downplaying the incident, Montgomery later apologized, then tossed a chair, choked a player, punched a Puerto Rican cop, and promised it would never happen again.

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