Saturday, April 13, 2013

Foul Territory: Big Mouths and Big Shots

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Vote Now For the (Adder)All-Pro Team — Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman said that "half the league" takes Adderall, a stimulant that contains amphetamine. Last year, Sherman successfully fought a suspension for violating the NFL's policy against performance-enhancing drugs. It's easy to believe Sherman accidentally took Adderall; when your mouth is open that much, something is bound to fall in.

* Johnny U Aren't — Joe Flacco will portray Johnny Unitas in an upcoming movie produced by Joe Unitas entitled "Unitas We Stand," in scenes of the 1958 NFL Championship Game. Hopefully, this time, it won't take Flacco five years to act like a real quarterback.

* Ski-zer? — Lindsey Vonn followed Tiger Woods during his opening round 2 under at the Masters on Thursday. Vonn later commented that she and Woods "met after 18," then later clarified that it was 18 holes, not 18 previous women.

* The Backups Plan — Kevin Kolb signed a two-year contract with the Buffalo Bills and will compete with Tarvaris Jackson for the starting quarterback spot. If this quarterback battle were a Jersey Shore character, it would be called "The No-Win Situation."

* Been There, Done That, or He Boldly Went Where Several Men Have Gone After Him — Ray J released a song reportedly about Kim Kardashian called "I Hit it First." Kanye West is expected to retort with a song tentatively titled "Sloppy Seconds."

* This Calls For a Celebration, Preferably on a Table — Louisville defeated Michigan 82-76 to win the 2013 national championship, giving Louisville its third national title and head coach Rick Pitino his second. Pending his wife's permission, Pitino plans to have the trophy "mounted" on a table.

* Brazil-iant Idea!, or Ii's All Greek to Me — The Olympics are considering adding 3-on-3 basketball and BMX freestyle to the Rio de Janeiro games in 2016. Also under consideration are rhythmic cornholing and synchronized pressure-washing.

* Agent Z-ro, or It's Called "Rap-resentation" — Jay-Z is divesting his share of ownership in the Brooklyn Nets in order to extend his Roc Nation Sports representation business into basketball. NBA commissioner David Stern commended the move, saying it is possibly the only way to bring "hustle" back to the game.

* Please Don't Call it a "Run" on RG3 Jerseys — Robert Griffin III's No. 10 jersey set a record with the most sales ever in a fiscal year, surpassing Brett Favre's No. 4 Vikings' jersey of 2009. Unlike RG3 himself, the No. 10 jersey will be ready for the start of the season.

* "V" is For "Victory," or Panty-Wasted — Connecticut routed Louisville 93-60 to win the NCAA women's basketball championship, setting a record for largest margin of victory in a title game. On-lookers noted that only one team played like girls.

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