Friday, July 5, 2013

Foul Territory: All-American Rejects

By Jeffrey Boswell

* They'll Obviously Have to Rob Peter to Pay Paul — Chris Paul resigned with the Los Angeles Clippers, and is expected to sign a deal worth $108 million over five years. If the Clippers complete their end of the deal, it will likely be the first time the team doesn't "come up short."

* Boston Proper-ty, or Celtics' Fans Won't Be Seeing "Red" — The Boston Celtics hired Butler's Brad Stevens as their new head coach on Wednesday to replace the departed Doc Rivers. Stevens is younger than every other coach in the league, and older than every Celtic on the team.

* This Could Be a New Beginning in the Story of A-Rod, Better Known as a "Bio-Genesis" — Alex Rodriguez went 0-2 for Class A Charleston in his first minor league game on a rehabilitation assignment, it a feat known as "A-Rod's 'A' Sample." The team gave away Rodriguez bobbleheads, which continually shake their heads in denial, to the first 2,000 performance-enhancing drug peddlers.

* There's a "Defect" in the System, or He's a "Marked" Cuban — Philadelphia closer Jonathan Papelbon said it's a "joke" that the Dodgers' Yasiel Puig is being considered for a spot in the MLB All-Star Game. Puig responded by saying that if Papelbon's not careful, he'll be on the receiving end of a "punch" line.

* This Colt is Saddled With Guilt — Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged was released from jail Tuesday following his arrest on a gun possession charge in Washington, D.C. Despite overwhelming evidence against him, Lefeged vehemently professed his innocence, compared to Aaron Hernandez.

* In Uganda, They Call Him "Eat-y Amin" — Joey Chestnut ate 69 franks Thursday, breaking his own record to win the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July hot dog eating championship. Afterwards, the contents of Chestnut's stomach declared its independence.

* It's From Jay-Z's New Song "10% Cut," or Agent Z-ero — Jay-Z took a jab at super-agent Scott Boras on the rapper's new album, boasting that he took Boras' client, Robinson Cano, from Boras. Boras replied that he doesn't rap, but can still "represent."

* They Call 'Em Like They Screen 'Em — Major League Umpire Brian Runge was dismissed from duty after failing a drug test. When asked if they were sure of the decision, MLB replied, "We're positive."

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