Friday, July 26, 2013

Foul Territory: Piss “Pour” Performances

By Jeffrey Boswell

* Missing Links, or Claret Jug-ular — Phil Mickelson shot a 66 in the final round to charge from behind and win the British Open, his first Open Championship. It was Mickelson's fifth major, and more importantly, it wasn't Tiger Woods' 15th.

* Semi-Tough — Landon Donovan scored two goals in the United States 3-1 win over Honduras on Wednesday, giving the Americans a berth in Sunday's Gold Cup final. The U.S. will face Panama on Sunday in Cowboys Stadium, where Dallas owner Jerry Jones will serve as honorary goal mouth.

* "A" is For "Effort," "P" is For "Testing," or Froome Here to Eternity, or "Roll" Model — England's Chris Froome won the 100th Tour De France on Sunday, completing the 2,115-mile race ahead of second-place Nairo Quintana of Colombia. Froome dedicated the win to Lance Armstrong, because the victory has given the sport of cycling a "transfusion" of legitimacy.

* "X-Sample," or Now, He is a "Homer," or PED-Ceit — Milwaukee Brewers slugger Ryan Braun agreed to a suspension for the remainder of the 2013 season for his role in the Biogenesis drug scandal. With his play on the field, Braun hoped to set an example for future baseball players. Now he hopes to set an example for Alex Rodriguez.

* I "Second" That — Matt Kemp said Ryan Braun should lose his 2011 MVP award. Kemp finished second to Braun in the 2011 voting. It's unclear where Braun keeps the award — in his trophy cabinet or his medicine cabinet.

* Woof Blitzer, He Was Collared, and Was on a Short Leash, or Gator A-bate — Charges were dropped against Florida linebacker Antonio Morrison for barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. It's further evidence that man's best friend is a dog, but a Gator's best friend is a lawyer.

* 96 Was 86'd, or He's Still in Uniform — West Virginia defensive lineman Korey Harris was kicked off the team after his arrest for first-degree armed robbery. Harris wore his WVU-issued sweatpants bearing his number, 96, while committing the robbery with two others. Harris will now exchange his two-digit number for a six-digit number.

* Crown Royal — Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton welcomed their first child on Monday, an 8 pound, 6 ounce boy who is now third in line to the British throne. He was named George Alexander Louis. Many lamented that the baby wasn't named "Jordan," who would then be called "Heir Jordan."

* The Other White Peyton — The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed running back Peyton Hillis to a one-year contract on Tuesday. Hillis rushed for only 309 yards in Kansas City last year, so there will be no mistaking him for a superstar, although he may be mistaken for Mike Alstott.

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