Thursday, January 23, 2014

Foul Territory: Sochi Sochi For You

By Jeffrey Boswell

* What's the Opposite of "No Sochi For You?," or Vladimir Putin Won't Let Two Women Get it on in Sochi, But He Will Let Them Get on It — Former Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones made the U.S. bobsled team for the Sochi Olympics. Jones will become the ninth America to represent the U.S. in both the Summer and Winter games, although she'll be most remembered for her performance in the "fall" Olympics.

* In the NBA, 12 Steps Isn't Even Called "Traveling," or He Must Like Tequila, Because There's a "Worm" in the Bottle — Dennis Rodman has checked in to rehabilitation center to be treated for alcoholism. Rodman hopes to add "the habit" to "court-side cameraman" to the list of things he's kicked.

* He Can Do More Than Just Shoot the "J," or He Got the Munchies — Florida State basketball recruit Cinmeon Bowers was arrested in Marianna, Florida for eating marijuana in order to conceal it from police. It was Bowers' first arrest, and also his first taste of the NBA.

* Throne of Game, or Chillin' With the Weasel — Roger Goodell will sit outside at Super Bowl XLVIII at MetLife Stadium on February 2nd. If there's one thing MetLife Stadium knows, it's how to put an "ass" in the seats.

* That "Rubbed" Him the Wrong Way, or Patriot Waylayed — Bill Belichick accused Wes Welker of trying to hurt Aqib Talib, who was injured on a pick play in the first quarter of the AFC Championship Game. Welker hit Talib's knees, but in his defense, Welker said he was aiming for the waist, where he thought the gun would be.

* Here She Comes Now Singing "Mon-ey, Mon-ey," or in the Race to Get to Sochi, the Jamaicans Also Finished Last — A crowd-funding site has raised over $50,000 for the Jamaican bobsled team. A collection page was set up on Monday following word that the team had qualified for the Sochi Olympics, but still needed $80,000 to make the trip. Most of the money will be used to bribe Vladimir Putin into allowing reggae at the Olympics.

* Don't Skate the Player, Skate the Game, or Checks, Mate — Vancouver Canucks head coach John Tortarella was suspended for 15 days without pay for his role in an altercation outside the Calgary Flames' locker room after the first period of Saturday's Canucks/Flames game. Tortarella tried to enter the Calgary locker room before being told to "get the Canuck out of here!"

* Kicked to the Curb, or the PAT May Get the Boot — The NFL is considering a proposal to eliminate extra points. NFL kickers united in opposition to the plan, but in arguing for reasons in support of the PAT, they came up with only a single point.

* It's Another Sellout For Notre Dame, or a Contract of Biblical Proportions — Notre Dame and Under Armour announced an apparel and shoe contract worth $90 million, the most valuable in college sports history. There is no way to know what Jesus would do, but now we know what He would wear.

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