Friday, July 25, 2014
Foul Territory: Halls of Fame, Courts of Law
* Drop Shot, or His "Great Catch" Turned Into an "Empty-Netter," or Wedding? March! — Russian tennis player Maria Kirilenko ended her engagement to Washington Capitals superstar Alex Ovechkin. Ironically, she "skated."
* Rory, Rory, Hallelujah, He Hails From the County of Down, Which Makes His Avid Fan Base the "Insane Down Posse," or The "Claret Juggalo's — Rory McIlroy won the British Open with a 17-under 271, two strokes better than Ricky Fowler and Sergio Garcia. McIlroy became the third-youngest player to win three majors behind Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus. With a win at the Masters, McIlroy would complete the career Grand Slam. Should his significant other take an iron upside his head on the day after Thanksgiving, he will have suffered the career-ending Grand Slam.
* Deutsch-Bags — German players damaged the World Cup trophy amid celebrating their 1-0 win over Argentina. A piece of the trophy was chipped off during the team's Berlin homecoming, and now, once again, no one knows the whereabouts of the German gold.
* Johnny Foothold, or Jersey Boy — Johnny Manziel's No. 2 Cleveland jersey is the NFL's top-selling jersey since April 1 at NFLShop.com. Incumbent quarterback Brian Hoyer said he'd believe the claim, but only after he saw some "backup."
* To Smoke Synthetic Marijuana, You've Gotto Have Super "Bowl" Aspirations — Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus entered an NFL substance abuse program in a bid to have felony drug charges in Alabama dismissed. Dareus was arrested and charged with possession of a synthetic marijuana and drug paraphernalia in May. It appears that whether in Alabama or on the field at Ralph Wilson Stadium, Dareus is "on fake grass."
* He's Being Earmarked For the Hall Of Fame, or "Irony" Mike Tyson, or if Tyson Starts Stuttering, Holyfield Can Say, "Spit it Out" — Mike Tyson will introduce Evander Holyfield at Holyfield's induction into the Nevada Boxing Hall Of Fame on August 9th. Tyson infamously bit off part of Holyfield's ear in their June 1997 fight. It's believed that Holyfield's ears will burn just because Tyson is talking about him.
* And Speaking of Other Things That Will Get Thrown Out, or Sterling, Silver, and Gold-Digger, Oh My!, or Suit Yourself — Donald Sterling filed suit seeking damages against the NBA, commissioner Adam Silver, and Shelly Sterling, alleging they defrauded him and violated corporate law in forcing a sale of the Los Angeles Clippers. Sterling now has lawsuits in federal, civil, and probate court, all part of his master plan to be called "plaintiff" instead of one of numerous derogatory terms often used to describe him.