Saturday, June 13, 2015

Foul Territory: Pasture-Rized Horses and Patriot Dis-Missiles

By Jeffrey Boswell

* He Went Downhill Faster Than Lindsey Vonn — Tiger Woods finished last at The Memorial in one of the worst performances of his career. In relation to par, Woods' career is "over."

* Filly Fanatic, or Horsin' Around, or It's Not "Put Out to Pasture," But "To Pasture to Put Out" — American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes by five lengths to complete horse racing's Triple Crown, becoming the first to do so since Affirmed in 1978. The three-year-old is expected to fetch as much as $200,000 per stud fee, so he's expected to score a number of "one-length" victories.

* To Make a Decision Like This, You Have to Be "Stoned" — The International Olympic Committee announced that mixed curling will be one of four new events to premier at the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea. Teams will consist of two players, or one "Jenner."

* His Last Act as a Patriot Was Lying to the Cops — The New England Patriots cut linebacker Brandon Spikes on Monday after his abandoned car was found wrecked on Interstate 495 in Foxborough. Spikes is much like air in a Patriots football — he was "released."

* Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Gamer, or in Light of Hidden Explosives, He's Just Here So He Doesn't Get Mined — Marshawn Lynch will appear as a character in the Call of Duty: Black Ops III, which is set for release in early November. In related news, Ray Rice will appear as a character in the Marital Kombat game.

* He May Be a Rookie, But That Doesn't Mean it's Too Early to Talk About "Retirement" — San Francisco Giants rookie pitcher Chris Heston tossed a no-hitter against the Mets on Tuesday night, striking out 11, while hitting 3 batters.

* Here's the Kicker — FIFA suspended bidding on the 2026 World Cup amid the corruption scandal that has rocked the sport. In other words, you can't pay them to talk about it.

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