NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 6

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Philadelphia @ Carolina (-3½)

The Panthers built a 27-10 lead in the third quarter and held on to defeat the Lions 27-24 at Ford Field. Cam Newton passed for 355 yards and 3 touchdowns and seems to have regained the form that made him the 2015 NFL MVP.

"It's funny," Newton said, "how quickly you can go from hero to zero. It's also funny how you can go from Triple Zero to having no yogurt endorsement deal at all. I'm disappointed that Dannon dropped me, but that's 'yo' biz.'

"The Eagles defense is nothing to laugh at, mostly because it's comprised mostly of men. I've learned my lesson about laughing at the wrong things. When I laughed at a female reporter's question about routes, the first reaction was for people to ask, 'what is demeaning of this?'"

The Eagles smashed the Cardinals 34-7 behind 4 touchdown passes from Carson Wentz.

"Hey," Wentz said, "I'll gladly answer any questions about routs, especially the one we handed the Cardinals.

"At 4-1, we're leading the standings in the NFC East. And speaking of 'standings,' it looks like Jerry Jones thinks he can make the Cowboys stand for the national anthem. I'm not sure he understands the legal can of worms he may be opening. Jerry's placed himself in a compromising position, which certainly isn't the first time. If you say 'mandate,' Jerry doesn't think 'official order'; he thinks 'dating site where rich, perverted old men can meet women one-third their age.'"

Carolina wins, 27-24.

Miami @ Atlanta (-11)

The Dolphins beat the Titans 16-10 in an ugly defensive struggle. Jay Cutler floundered for most of the game before finding Jarvis Landry in the fourth quarter for the game-winning score.

"Fans were chanting 'we want Matt Moore,'" Adam Gase said. "That puts me in a tough position, because fans are asking me to make a difficult decision 'Moore or less.'

"Some people call Cutler 'Jay-Z.' Those people are those that grade quarterbacks on an 'A to Z' scale.

"You've probably already seen the video of offensive line coach Chris Foerster snorting what appears to be cocaine. Information is sketchy, but I hear former Miami Hurricane and NFL running back Edgerrin James was harassing Chris, and Chris was doing coke just to 'take the Edge off.'"

The Falcons used their bye week to process their first loss, a 23-17 home loss to the Bills in Week 4.

"That was a wake-up call," Dan Quinn said. "This team is certainly aware of the perils of falling asleep. Just as a reminder, we've set an alarm to go off with 2:08 left in the third quarter.

"Our plan is to pressure Cutler. We think we'll be able to do that. Obviously, the Miami offensive line is in disarray with the loss of their coach. But they've hired former Patriots OL coach Dave DeGuglielmo, who I hear is on the straight and narrow. I hear his only indulgence is lots and lots of Pepsi, which is much better than being 'Coked' out of your mind."

On Saturday, the Falcons troll the Dolphins, posting footage of the Mercedes-Benz Stadium grounds crew marking the field in a video titled "Doing Lines."

Atlanta wins, 27-20.

Chicago @ Baltimore (-7)

With rookie Mitch Trubisky starting for the first time, the Bears lost 20-17 to the visiting Vikings. Tribisky was 12-for-25 for 128 yards and a touchdown, but threw a crucial interception late in the fourth quarter that led to Minnesota's game-winning field goal.

"Despite a few mistakes," John Fox said, "Mitch showed the talent and smarts you want to see from a player you expect to be your franchise quarterback. Now, we just need to surround him with weapons, which shouldn't be hard to do here in Chicago. Chicago is a lot like Green Bay, Wisconsin, because everybody is 'Packing.'"

The Ravens ended a two-game skid with a 30-17 win at Oakland, where the Raiders were without David Carr. Baltimore controlled the game with 143 yards on the ground, and Joe Flacco bounced back from two bad games with a solid outing.

"Joe was struggling," John Harbaugh said. "But he never lost confidence. He even sought counsel in an unusual place, the Ray Lewis statue outside M&T Bank Stadium. He gave Joe a glowing tribute to his character and achievements. His testimony may not be believable, but Ray's testimonials hold truth.

"Our defense will be a tough test for a rookie quarterback. Tribisky only started at North Carolina for one season, so Terrell Suggs and the defense want to continue his education with an honorary degree to Ball So Hard University, where quarterback GPA is measured in instances of CTE and trips to the ICU."

Flacco gives Tribisky a clinic in championship-caliber, mistake-free quarterbacking, when he hands him a highlight reel video tape of Flacco's performance in Super Bowl XLVII before the game.

Tribisky faces a day of oppression, and has 3 turnovers, and the Ravens win, 26-13.

Cleveland @ Houston (-9½)

The Browns lost to the Jets, 17-14, and are now 0-5. Rookie quarterback DeShone Kizer was benched for backup Kevin Hogan.

"DeShine is off of DeShone," Hue Jackson said. "DeShone has to make better decisions at quarterback, and apparently, so do I.

"Interestingly enough, these are the last two teams that Brock Osweiler played for. Don't be surprised if there's a ceremony before the game in which Osweiler's jersey is retired for good."

The Texans lost to the undefeated Chiefs, 42-34, on Sunday night. Deshaun Watson passed for 5 touchdowns, but the night soured early for Houston when J.J. Watt went down with a tibial fracture. He is out for the season.

"J.J. is the face of this franchise," Bill O'Brien said. "Without him, this defense has '99' problems."

Houston wins, 30-17.

Green Bay @ Minnesota (+3½)

Aaron Rodgers stunned the Cowboys again, leading a touchdown drive with 1:13 left that ended with a touchdown pass to Davante Adams with 11 seconds left, giving the Packers a 35-31 win. Rodgers finished with 221 yards passing and 3 TDs.

"That was the most infamous display of gunslinging in Dallas since Greg Hardy," Rodgers said. "If you give me 1:13, I could score on the Dallas defense, not once but twice, and with the leftover time, send a text message to Brett Favre of the Cowboys defense. That would be called a 'D-pic.'"

The Vikings beat the Bears 20-17 on Monday night, winning on Kai Forbath's 26-yard field goal with 12 seconds left. Minnesota is 3-2, on game behind the 4-1 Packers in the North.

"Sam Bradford's knee is still an issue," Mike Zimmer said. "He can't run, and his walking is limited to trips to the bank."

Green Bay wins, 27-21.

Detroit @ New Orleans (-4½)

The Saints are riding a two-game winning streak after an 0-2 start to the season. A resurgent defense has been the catalyst for the turnaround, while on offense, the emergence of rookie running back Alvin Kamara has been big.

"Believe it or not," Sean Payton said, "our defense posted a shutout the last time we played, a 20-0 win over the Dolphins. You've heard of jerseys being retired; the Saints almost retired the 'Defense!' chant.

"As for Kamara, he's really impressed us. Not only does Kamara get better mileage than Adrian Peterson, he gets better yardage. That's why we were able to trade Adrian to the Cardinals. I wish Adrian nothing but good luck, because he'll need it behind that offensive line."

The Lions were outclassed by the visiting Panthers last week, losing 27-24. Detroit held the Panthers to 28 yards on the ground, but Cam Newton lit up the pass defense for 355 yards and 3 scores.

"Apparently," Jim Caldwell said, "Cam thinks it's funny how our guys defend routes.

"Matthew Stafford injured his hamstring and ankle against the Panthers. But I fully expect him to play. Matt's very tough, and he's a competitor, so there's no way he would miss an opportunity to prove that he's the second-best quarterback in the NFC North."

Saints win, 27-23.

New England @ New York Jets (+9½)

The Pats beat the Bucs, 19-14, in Tampa last Thursday to improve to 3-2 on the season.

"It was good to see our defense step up," Bill Belichick said. "They were terrible for the first four games. I give all the credit to Matt Patricia. I'm not sure what he did to make them better. Maybe he sprinkled fairy dust on them. Now, I said 'fairy dust,' not to be confused with 'angel dust.' That's what they call the 'white stuff' in Miami. Here in New England, the 'white stuff' is known as clam chowder.

"If you would have told me at the beginning of the year that this game would be for first place in the AFC East, I would have assumed you were an NFL investigator and called you a liar."

The Jets are now 3-2 after last week's 17-14 road win over the Browns.

"So much for the notion of 'tanking,'" Todd Bowles said. "To think we would lose games on purpose is ludicrous. This is New York Jets football in the Todd Bowles era — we would never lose a game on our own accord. We leave that responsibility to our opponents.

"The Patriots are coming to town. History tells us that whenever that happens, you have to ask yourself one question, 'is that hole in the wall in our locker room a means for spying, or is it just another glory hole?"

The Pats limit their penalties, and Brady softens the Jets defense early with the short pass attack before connecting with Rob Gronkowski on a deep TD pass.

New England wins, 28-21.

San Francisco @ Washington (-9½)

The Redskins had a Week 5 bye and are 2-2, in second place in the NFC East.

"I could possibly be the quarterback in San Francisco next year," Cousins said. "If that does, in fact, happen, that would be quite a catch for the 49ers. You could even say it would be the catch."

Washington wins, 27-13.

Tampa Bay @ Arizona (+2½)

The Bucs lost to the visiting Patriots, 19-14, last Thursday, despite forcing 2 Tom Brady turnovers, while limiting him to only 1 touchdown. But 3 missed field goals by Nick Folk left Tampa wondering what could have been.

"I think the important words in that sentence are 'Nick Folk left Tampa,'" Jameis Winston said. "And he did on Monday when he was released. Nick's been in the league for 11 years and kicked for three different teams. I can't tell you where his career goes from here. I'm guessing not through the uprights.

"I was able to speak with Brady after the game. Luckily, Tom was very receptive, so I didn't have to force myself upon him."

The Cardinals were crushed 34-7 by the Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field.

"We acquired Adrian Peterson in a trade with the Saints," Bruce Arians said. "Adrian had a fit in New Orleans. We think he is a fit for us. We plan to give him lots of touches, but A.P.'s strictly forbidden from laying a hand on anyone.

"We're hoping A.P. will give our running game a boost. I think he will, because if there are any holes in our offense, most are in our offensive line."

Cardinals win, 24-21.

Los Angeles Rams @ Jacksonville (-2½)

The Rams lost their NFC West showdown with the visiting Seahawks, losing 16-10. The Rams had five turnovers, but blew a chance to win in the closing seconds when Cooper Kupp dropped the potential game-winning pass from Jared Goff.

"If your name is 'Cooper' and you play in California," Sean McVey said, "you should drop your name."

The Jaguars physically dominated the Steelers in a 30-9 win, rushing for 231 yards and returning 2 Ben Roethlisberger interceptions for touchdowns.

"We played a perfect game," Doug Marrone said. "I like to call it the 'Immaculate Destruction.' And I'd like to call our defense the 'Jag War Machine.'

"Leonard Fournette sets the tone for this team. When he runs, he likes to initiate contact. You saw what he did at Pittsburgh. He played Pittsburgh defensive coordinator for a day, because he had to tell the Steelers to tackle him."

Rams win, 23-19.

Pittsburgh @ Kansas City (-4)

The Steelers were totally dominated by the visiting Jaguars 30-9. Ben Roethlisberger threw 5 interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns,

"Four different Jaguars had at least one interception," Mike Tomlin said. "Those that didn't threw a tantrum about not getting the ball enough.

"We were victims of 'smashmouth' football. What we need to do is play 'hush mouth' football. There's too much talking, not enough action. I know we're feeling down as a team, but that's a situation that's remedied easily. We have James Harrison; he's so strong, he can lift an entire team.

"But too much criticism is not a good thing. I tried to lighten the mood with a prank on Antonio. I filled his locker with hundreds of copies of Keyshawn Johnson's book 'Just Give Me the Damn Ball.' Incidentally, I doubled sales of the book."

The Chiefs remained undefeated with a commanding 42-34 win over the Texans on Sunday night. Alex Smith passed for 3 touchdowns, and Kareem Hunt posted 107 yards rushing and leads the NFL with 609 yards.

"Kareem is like a machine," Smith said. "On the field, and in social media circles, he's known as the 'Rushin' 'Bot.'

"I realize the Chiefs are planning for the future. Patrick Mahomes appears to be the team's heir apparent at quarterback. He has all the physical tools, and playing in a setting like Arrowhead would give the team a huge 'Mahomes field advantage.'

The Steelers, after days of game planning, and Antonio Brown's blessing, commit to the run as the key to beating the Chiefs. Le'Veon Bell carries the load, and Roethlisberger finds Brown for a late touchdown for the winning margin.

Pittsburgh wins, 22-20.

Los Angeles Chargers @ Oakland (-3)

With David Carr sidelined, the Raiders lost to the visiting Ravens, 30-17.

"We found ourselves in a 14-0 hole just four minutes into the game," Jack Del Rio said. "With E.J. Manuel at quarterback, it's hard to play catch up. With Amari Cooper in the game, it's hard to play catch. Amari is the electronic dance music of the NFL, because you 'wait for the drop.'"

Philip Rivers found Melvin Gordon for a 10-yard touchdown pass late in the fourth quarter, and the Chargers finally won for the first time, a 27-22 win over the Giants.

"We played from behind for most of the game," Rivers said. "I'm proud of the way our guys fought. As a team, we have a never-say-die attitude. As attendance in Los Angeles has shown, this team should have had a never-say-bye attitude."

Chargers win, 24-20.

New York Giants @ Denver (-12)

The Giants lost a late lead and fell to the visiting Chargers 27-22. New York is 0-5 and the outlook is no brighter, as Odell Beckham, Jr. was lost for the season with a broken ankle.

"Odell plans to seek a second opinion," Eli Manning said, "from a veterinarian.

"In addition to Odell, we've got a number of other injuries to receivers. Brandon Marshall and Dwayne Harris are both on injured reserve. Plus, our running game is practically non-existent. I'm not sure what offense we'll be running in Denver. It certainly won't be the option, because we don't have any."

The Broncos had a Week 5 bye, which allowed them several extra days to prepare for the Giants.

"First and foremost," Vance Joseph said, "we have to execute on offense. So we spent most of our practice time preparing for the Giants defense. With it being a bye week, we had several days off. Those were spent preparing for the Giants offense."

The Broncos welcome former Secretary of Health And Human Services Tom Price to personally introduce Denver's "No Fly Zone." Peyton Manning makes an appearance at the game, but only as a spectator, much like he was in Denver's 2015 Super Bowl-winning year.

The Broncos win the coin toss and defer, and out of sympathy, decide to kick off anyway. The Giants take over on offense, and the Broncos put 11 defenders in the box.

Denver wins, 24-17.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee (-4)

The Colts edged the visiting 49ers, 26-23, in overtime at Lucas Oil Stadium. Jacoby Brissette passed for 314 yards, while T.Y. Hilton had 177 yards receiving.

"If you thought T.Y. couldn't be a deep threat without Andrew Luck," Chuck Pagano said, "you were wrong. T.Y. made a statement, and based on his 2017 salary of $625,000 per game, he spent way less than Vice President Mike Pence to do so."

"We unveiled a bronze statue of Peyton Manning at Lucas Oil Stadium before last week's game. The statue is not indoors, so it depicts Manning throwing an interception."

Titans win, 26-20.

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