Thursday, February 8, 2018

Foul Territory: Super Bowl LII Aftermath

By Jeffrey Boswell

What was the best commercial?

Although the NFL commercial starring Eli Manning and Odell Beckham, Jr. "Dirty Dancing" was quite entertaining, I'd have to give the gold medal to the series of Tide ads. And NBC gives me props for that smooth segue into an ad for the Olympic Games, only on the NBC family of networks.

But back to Eli and O.B.J. dancing. The only thing that could have made it better would have been Ben McAdoo giving the duo their scores. Doesn't everyone remember what happened the last time McAdoo "judged" Eli?

What was the turning point in the game?

You could easily say it was Philadelphia's fourth down, trick play passing score from tight end Trey Burton to Nick Foles (note: that play was called "Philly Special," which may also be the front-runner for the name of Kim and Kanye's next born). The points were no doubt crucial, but the play happened in the first half. The Eagles fourth down conversion in the second half, when Foles deftly avoided pressure and found Zach Ertz for 2 yards on fourth and one from their own 45, was the play that kept their game-winning drive alive.

Is there anything else in Philadelphia besides light poles that need to be lubed up?

Yes, any doorway in Philadelphia, assuming Doug Pederson and his massive balls want to get into the room, because they won't fit through without some help.

Definitely not Eagles fans though. They're well-oiled enough to last at least a year.

Will we ever find out why Malcolm Butler was benched?

Only if Butler agrees to a "sit-down" interview at some point.

Is Rob Gronkowski serious about retirement?

Short answer to a question with another question: is Gronk ever serious about anything?

Of course, Gronk has several reasons for considering retirement: back injuries, forearm injuries, knee injuries, and an ankle injury, not to mention his recent concussions. But the number of reasons for calling it a career is far outweighed by the number of reasons for returning, because that number is 69.

Does Tom Brady's late fumble in any way tarnish his 505-yard, 3-touchdown performance?

Not at all. Brady is clearly the GOAT. And when it comes to catching passes, his hands are hooves.

Speaking of Brady's fumble, how shocking was it that that with the ball and over two minutes on the clock, Brady didn't lead his team down the field for the winning touchdown?

Not shocking, only surprising. But keep in mind, there was no guarantee the Patriots eventually score a touchdown on that drive. To be successful, Brady and the offense would have had to make a series of plays. However, the Philly defense only had to make one play, which they did.

Did Kevin Hart earn a lifetime ban from the NFL Network?

If you didn't see it, Hart found his way to the NFL Network set and rambled in an inebriated state before letting slip an "F" bomb before being told by Deion Sanders "You gotta go." It was a lot like a Katt Williams video.

Suffice it to say if Hart ever appears on NFL Network again, it will be on a taped segment.

In postgame interviews, Doug Pederson, Nick Foles, and Zach Ertz praised God, specifically mentioning "glories to God." Did God have anything to do with the outcome of the game?

Yes, particularly the readings from the Book of John, because John 3:16 says "I just whipped your ass," or at least in does in the Stone Cold Testament.

Ask a Patriots fan, and they'll likely mention another book of the Bible, because they feel they got "Jobbed."

Did replay officials get the two replay rulings (Foles' 22-yard TD pass the Corey Clement in the third quarter and Foles' 11-yard scoring strike to Zach Ertz in the fourth) right?

As you would say to any NFL officiating crew you were grading, "one out of two ain't bad."

Replay officials correctly upheld the Ertz touchdown. The Clement touchdown was another story. It should have been overturned. It's just another example that the NFL doesn't have a clear grasp on the catch rule.

Do all families kiss like the Brady's?

Look, there's nothing wrong with displays of affection. The Brady's just like "shotgunning" theirs.

How was Justin Timberlake's halftime show?

Well, Cris Collinsworth thought it was great, so it must have sucked.

Would Prince have approved of Timberlake's show?

I'm sure if Prince were alive, he'd give the show an "F," and put it to music in typical Prince fashion in a song called "F U."

What's up with Josh McDaniels reneging on his agreement to accept the Colts head coaching job?

If I had to speculate, I would say that Tom Brady talked McDaniels out of the job. I'm assuming it would be hard for Brady to part with an offensive coordinator who called the plays that led to 613 yards of total offense, albeit in a losing effort to a team that amassed 574 yards of total offense. I'm also assuming Brady didn't try very hard to keep defensive coordinator Matt Patricia around.

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