Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick — Harvick started second and dominated at Dover, taking both stage wins and cruising to the victory in the AAA 400, his fourth win of the year.
"I felt invincible out there," Harvick said. "That's in stark contrast to the fans at Dover, who were invisible out there."
2. Kyle Busch — Busch blew the engine of the No. 18 Pedigree Toyota with 130 laps to go at Dover, and suffered his worst finish of the season, a 35th.
"I knew the car wasn't running right," Busch said. "The, all of a sudden, 'Kaboom!' Or more like, 'Ky-boom!'
"I left the drive shaft laying on the track, and I was done. So I said 'Piece out.'"
3. Joey Logano — Logano finished 13th at Dover and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 22 behind Kyle Busch.
"The France family is exploring the possibility of selling NASCAR," Logano said. "It's a tough sell. Viewership is down, fans aren't buying tickets, and sponsors are leaving in droves. That's why the France's have offered a affordable price that comes with 'no interest.'"
4. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer finished second in the AAA 400, as Stewart Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick took the win handily.
"I was leading the race when the rains came with 80 laps to go," Bowyer said. "It was a short rain, and therefore a short reign."
5. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski led 108 laps and finished sixth at Dover, posting his sixth top-10 of the season.
"Kevin Harvick looked great out there," Keselowski said. "Heck, he even looked great in his driver's suit. You could say he won in 'convincing fashion.'"
6. Kurt Busch — Busch finished fifth at Dover on a strong day for Stewart Haas Racing, as Kevin Harvick won and Clint Bowyer took second. Busch is sixth in the points standings, 108 out of first.
"SHR is dominating," Busch said. "And Tony Stewart is loving it. The team, and Harvick in particular, have delivered this year. That's what Tony demands. He refuses to settle for anything other than the best, and the occasional lawsuit."
7. Aric Almirola — Almirola finished 11th at Dover, while his three Stewart Haas Racing teammates placed in the top five, with Kevin Harvick winning.
"It was a blast celebrating in Victory Lane with the team," Almirola said. "To signify Harvick's fourth win this season, we held up four fingers. As fingers go, I guess I'm the fourth one on this team. The other three fingers are the middle ones of Harvick, Clint Bowyer, and Kurt Busch."
8. Ryan Blaney — Blaney finished eighth at Dover, and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 120 out of first.
"A JP Motorsports broke the jaw of one of the team's co-owners," Blaney said. "I know sponsors are hesitant about investing in NASCAR now, but it seems to be the perfect time for a certain large hard candy to advertise."
9. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished seventh at Dover and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
"Kyle Busch had some troubles," Hamlin said, "but Daniel Suarez finished third, tying his career-best finish on an oval. Daniel is from Mexico, and may be the key to bringing a new segment of fans to the sport. The marketing possibilities are endless, and the likelihood of a fanatic fan base looms. Can you imagine a famous Mexican beer coupled with a legion of adoring fans? It's not the 'Nation of Earnhardt' It would be the 'Corona-tion of Suarez.'"
10. (tie) Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex suffered a flat tire during Stage 1, but charged back to post a fourth-place finish at Dover.
"Xfinity Series driver Spencer Gallagher failed a drug test," Truex said. "He was suspended indefinitely, but showed up for Xfinity testing at Charlotte anyway, he was told to leave. So, he went from 'testing positive' to 'testing negative.'"
10. (tie) Jimmie Johnson — Johnson finished ninth at Dover, scoring his third top-10 finish in the last four races.
"I'm still looking for my first win this season," Johnson said. "It seems to be hard to find. I guess it's a matter of finding championship form, or continuing to rely on my 'championship former.'"
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