I've always felt a bit taken advantage of by Las Vegas. Week in and week out, the bookmakers consistently set odds perfect enough to confuse the general public into emptying out our wallets and paying for another hotel on the Strip. Las Vegas always wins. I think that's in the Bible or something.
However, on Sunday, the community struck back. With heavy bets on the Vikings, Steelers, and Chiefs, who all covered, Las Vegas books took one of the worst losses in the last 25 years.
"We were just on," said avid better Matt Pagano in a quote I made up for this story. "For once, the odds were actually in our favor."
You have to love an underdog story. The average NFL gambler is working 40+ hours a week, and then giving it all back on the weekend on a last second meaningless field goal. These analytic Zen masters who determine each game's spread have toyed with our hearts and our checking accounts long enough. Put one on the board for the good guys.
All in all, we realize that we're probably going to end up in the red in the grand scheme but there's a strange sense of pride when you figure out a way to beat the system. We're skillful when we win and unlucky when we lose. We're weekend warriors just looking for an edge and some walking around money like Gator in "The Other Guys." And we pay it forward, too. I even valeted Sunday night instead of trying to parallel park with a line of cars forming behind me and disapprovingly judging my late cut as I slam into the curb.
Sure, Vegas took a loss on Sunday, but at the end of the day, they will be just fine. Now they just have to figure out a way to prevent the Raiders from ruining everything they built. Here are your Week 10 Power Rankings.
1. New England Patriots (7-2) — Bill Belichick is the ultimate troll. He intentionally starts 1-2 forcing Max Kellerman and ESPN to have a collective aneurism. Then, amidst a sea of injuries, he takes an underperforming wide receiver and turns him into an explosive running back. He doesn't care if you don't like The Patriot Way. In fact, I think he probably prefers it.
2. New Orleans Saints (7-1) — The Saints passing offense exploded after a down game last week, handing the Rams their first loss of the season. Michael Thomas went absolutely bonkers, and his decision to put his team in jeopardy to pay tribute to the great Joe Horn was about as smart as Halloween blackface. I hope he was calling his accountant to simultaneously get that fine squared away.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (8-1) — Remember when people were kind of worried about Kareem Hunt's slow start? We can put that to rest. This team is clicking more than Michael's pen when I'm trying to remember why I'm supposed to care about Alexander Hamilton. The AFC goes through Arrowhead is sounding more and more realistic, despite the loss to New England.
4. Los Angeles Rams (8-1) — The 1972 Dolphins just popped their bottles of pain medication to rejoice the last undefeated team going down. This was bound to happen for the Rams, and I don't think they should be overly worried after losing to one of the best teams in the league. I'd love to see a rematch in the NFC championship, especially since I was driving across the state throughout the entirety of this game. I hate the Pennsylvania turnpike.
5. Los Angeles Chargers (6-2) — Caleb, you know why I called you in here, right? The Chargers did what no AFC team has ever done against a Russell Wilson team in Seattle, even if Caleb Sturgis did his best Mia Khalifa impression. I predicted a big Keenan Allen game, and while he didn't get into the end zone, I'm calling 152 yards a win for me.
6. Carolina Panthers (6-2) — If the Panthers want to be considered elite, then they have to put the Buccaneers away when they had the chance. I understand, though, taking your foot off the gas is a natural instinct even when you're driving the speed limit. A clash with the Steelers on Thursday will be worth the price of admission.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers- (5-2-1) — The Steelers got the upper hand in this division rematch between two teams that flat out don't like each other. This was a man's-man game. You know, like guys that shop at Lowe's and play heavy metal on their stereos while performing brake changes. "We need volunteers, not hostages," is the quote of the weekend by Mike Tomlin in reference to Le'Veon Bell.
8. Minnesota Vikings (5-3-1) — A healthy Dalvin Cook could be huge for a team that is already offensively efficient. Pair that with a rising defense and you have an under the radar team you probably don't want to see come playoff time. Vikings had a ton of opportunities to practice their sack celebrations on Sunday.
9. Cincinnati Bengals (5-3) — Every team should get two weeks to try to plan for the Saints. However, until the Bengals beat a really good team, we're going to keep looking at them like a guy who's trying to hook up with your little sister. Yeah, he's cool and all, but him and his lifetime supply of hair gel just can't be trusted.
10. Houston Texans (6-3) — That's six straight for the Texans, who unleashed their newly-acquired weapon early against his former team. Deshaun Watson is getting healthier and more comfortable game by game, and pairing Demaryius Thomas with DeAndre Hopkins is a game changer. My uncle lives in Houston, and I'm legitimately scared for his liver if the Texans keep winning. Actually, I'm scared for his liver regardless. That man can make David Hasselhoff look straight edge.
11. Philadelphia Eagles (4-4) — A bunch of Eagles spent their bye week watching Joel Embiid give Andre Drummond and the Detroit Pistons nearly 40. I was also in attendance, but I didn't get any love on the jumbotron for some reason, despite making web gems on the t-shirt cannon. The Birds are gearing up for a playoff push.
12. Chicago Bears (5-3) — Nathan Peterman must have looked like a raw piece of beef for a Bears' defense that has struggled a bit since Khalil Mack has been nursing an injured ankle. With two defensive scores, money Mitch didn't need to carry a lot of weight to still be paid in full. I'd tell you to watch the movie to fully understand how great of a reference that was, but Netflix had the audacity to remove it from their archives.
13. Atlanta Falcons (4-4) — We all knew this day would come. Get the champagne; pull out the balloons (not Kramer's everyday balloons). Julio Jones has finally scored a touchdown. It's been too long since one of the best in the game crossed the goal line. The Falcons put up their best performance to date, and are doing a good job of trying to escape the hole they dug themselves.
14. Green Bay Packers (3-4-1) — This is the second week in a row where a fumble took the ball out of Aaron Rodger's hands in a tight game in the second half. That's not what winning teams do, and is why the Packers' season is on the brink. Tom Brady is still the GOAT, even if the Rodger's jersey wearing goat on the SNF broadcast was putting in work.
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4) — A good showing for a defense that's been worse than Hassan Whiteside's post-game. Only 170 yards of total offense is ugly, but a win is a win. Even if it is against the lifeless Jets.
16. Washington Redskins (5-3) — What a let down for the division leading Redskins. They couldn't stop Atlanta on third down and couldn't run against an injured defense. Mix in a dash of Gruden family philosophy and that's a recipe for an L. The Capitals still won the Cup, so DC can act like they're hockey fans for a little while longer.
17. Baltimore Ravens (4-5) — I don't buy the John Harbaugh hot seat talks. I don't buy the Lamar Jackson for Joe Flacco rumors. And I don't buy the sudden disappearance of Hooters from the Inner Harbor. That place had bomb wings. The Ravens are still in the thick of things, though they need to flip the switch immediately.
18. Seattle Seahawks (4-4) — The Hawks had their chance to further cement themselves in the NFC playoff conversation but failed, and now travel to Los Angeles to face an angry Rams teams off a loss.
19. Tennessee Titans (4-4) — This is the formula for success for this team. Generate pressure and turnovers on defense, and run the ball down your throat on offense. This may be a turning point for Mike Vrabel's team.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-5) — Without Leonard Fournette, this team has looked weaker than Paul Finebaum in a lax pinnie. The bye week came at a perfect time for the Jaguars to get healthy and figure out their bar tabs. They still have the tools to turn their season around.
21. Indianapolis Colts (3-5) — The Colts were vacant this week like an Italian restaurant owned by the McCarthy's. I still don't know if the Colts have a shot in the division, I still don't know why Indianapolis is in the AFC South, and I still don't know how cookies have anything to do with my Internet access.
22. Detroit Lions (3-5) — Life without Golden Tate is off to a rocky start after the Lions barely topped 200 yards of offense. Matt Stafford was sacked 10 times, eating dirt like the weird neighborhood kid who grew up to unsuccessfully rob an Exxon station. We'll see you in 3 to 5, Jimmy.
23. Dallas Cowboys (3-5) — The Cowboys fast start quickly turned disastrous in Jerry's World. They had a chance to stomp on the Titans early, and instead gave the Titans the game.
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-5) — The Buccaneers may not be very good, but damn are they exciting to watch. They'll gladly spot you a quick 28 or 35, and then promptly let Ryan Fitzpatrick get buckets. They came up short, though the magic show will go on.
25. Denver Broncos (3-6) — I don't think anyone was mistaking Case Keenum as the long-term solution in Denver, but with the miss on Paxton Lynch and Chad Kelly's uninvited sleepover, Denver is back to square one. Not even Von Miller's Old Spice can mask the smell of defeat coming from Denver's locker room right now.
26. Cleveland Browns (2-6-1) — The Gregg Williams era started off with three G's and one L. The Browns didn't look awful, and it was nice to see Duke Johnson finally involved. He's one of the most multi-talented backs in the league who was being severely under-utilized by Hue Jackson. That may be why Jackson's on a self-righteous media tour.
27. New York Jets (3-6) — The field was shit and the Jets were worse. Sam Darnold is throwing to guys you'd pass on at the Y, and we are wondering why he's tossing four picks a game. My boy flew down to Miami for the game and stayed with his Grandma. He said Luanne's rummikub stats and the community gossip was far more interesting than the game itself.
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-7) — Nick Mullens sounds like the kid who walks into your Advanced Physics class late and hungover, rocking a Beavis and Butthead t-shirt, and somehow sets the curve. This guy was absolutely ready for his chance, and I expect the 49ers to give him another one.
29. Buffalo Bills (2-7) — Okay, it's time to scrap the Nathan Peterman experiment. I'm sure he will make a great gym teacher or defensive backs coach. Throwing Peterman out there again and again is like consistently going all in with Jack high, then acting surprised when your chips are gone.
30. Arizona Cardinals (2-6) — I'm convinced Arizona only just released Sam Bradford because they had completely forgotten he was on their roster. How was he helping Josh Rosen's development in any way? Giving him good recommendations on primary care physicians in the greater Phoenix area? Arizona is hoping Rosen has a Jared Goff-like transformation in year two.
31. New York Giants (1-7) — A Kyle Lauletta arrest is fitting for a team who will be handcuffed to the bottom of the division for at least this season. Giants tickets are harder to give away than anthrax envelopes.
32. Oakland Raiders (1-7) — The final Battle of the Bay was more of a massacre than a battle. This is a multi-year project, so we have to be careful not to grade Gruden before report cards are due. Though, I don't know if Derek Carr is going to make it to next semester.
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