NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 10

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Carolina @ Pittsburgh (-4)

The Steelers bested the Ravens 23-16 at M&T Bank Stadium, avenging a Week 4 loss to Baltimore in Pittsburgh. James Conner rushed for 107 yards and added a touchdown reception.

"Payback's a bitch," Mike Tomlin said. "And back pay is a bitch, also, especially when you don't get it. And speaking of Le'Veon Bell, nothing has changed. In honor of Bell, we're calling Pittsburgh 'Still City.'

"In the meantime, Conner continues to roll. And I see a bright future ahead for him, with Pro Bowls, franchise tags, failed contract negotiations, holdouts, low-selling rap albums, and a murky future. You've heard of 'bell cow' backs; James is our 'Bell-now' back."

The Panthers built a big lead and held off a Buccaneers comeback attempt for a 42-28 win to remain one game behind the Saints in the NFC South.

"Ryan Fitzpatrick tried to rally on us," Ron Rivera said, "but we put an end to that. We took the 'Magic' out of 'Fitzmagic. When that happens, it gives the Buccaneers 'Fitz.'

"Our offense is really clicking under the play calling of Norv Turner. And Cam Newton is playing better than ever. He's passing with precision, running with power, and being a vocal leader. In other words, he's 'wearing many hats.' In a literal sense, I wish Cam would wear fewer hats. His 'state-fair-meets-Kentucky Derby' style is a little disconcerting."

Steelers win, 27-24.

Detroit @ Chicago (-6½)

Matthew Stafford was sacked 10 times in the Detroit's 24-9 loss to the Vikings.

"Matthew's confidence is shot," Matt Patricia said. "And what a quarterback needs after suffering 10 sacks is a 'pick-me-up.'

"That was our first game without Golden Tate, and our passing game struggled. Lions fans all remember Calvin Johnson. He was called 'Megatron.' This town certainly doesn't have a wide receiver remotely comparable to 'Calvin.' I guess the closest we have to 'Megatron' is 'MAGAtron,' who's the guy in the No. 81 jersey campaigning for Donald Trump."

The Bears humbled the Bills 42-9 in Buffalo to improve to 5-3. Chicago forced 4 turnovers and scored 2 defensive touchdowns.

"When I told my defense that I needed them to have a big game," Matt Nagy said, "they said, 'NP.' That means 'Nathan Peterman' in defense-speak, and 'no problem' in common folk-speak. Both were applicable in that situation.

"I'm hoping Khalil Mack can return to the lineup. And so is he. When Khalil sees an offensive line that just gave up 10 sacks, his 'sack' starts tingling."

Chicago wins, 23-19.

New Orleans @ Cincinnati (+4)

The Saints beat the undefeated Rams 45-35 and staked their claim as the best team in the NFC. Drew Brees passed for 346 yards and 4 touchdowns.

"We wanted to prove that we were the best team in the NFC," Sean Payton said. "And I believe we accomplished that. As they say, we made a statement. Unlike my statements, most of which are false or misleading, our statement was 100% true.

"Michael Thomas celebrated his touchdown by pulling a cell phone from the goal post and pretending to make a phone call. Joe Horn did that back in 2003 on a pass from Aaron Brooks. So, Michael pulled his celebration off with a better quarterback and a better data plan."

The Bengals return from a Week 9 bye to host the Saints.

"We're 5-3," Marvin Lewis said, "but it's way too early to start talking about the playoffs, at least according to the video I put together featuring Jim Mora, Sr. to show my team. Jim was a little mystified when I requested his input. He said, 'Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs! You're kidding me. Playoffs!?' Once you get Jim started about playoffs, it's hard to get him to stop. And once you get me started about the playoffs, it's hard to get me to win."

The sluggish Saints fall into an early 10-0, but New Orleans flips the momentum with a flea flicker from Alvin Kamara to Drew Brees to Michael Thomas, who celebrates the touchdown by accessing a replica of the first telephone from the goal post, dialing tight end Benjamin Watson's number, and saying, "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you."

Saints win, 26-20.

Atlanta @ Cleveland (+4)

The Browns lost 37-21 to the visiting Chiefs in their first game after head coach Hue Jackson and offensive coordinator Todd Haley were fired.

"Hue Jackson's record says he's a loser," Baker Mayfield said. "His comments after his firing say he's a sore loser. But we're confident in Gregg Williams' leadership. He's a very smart coach, and puts that intelligence to use in his game plans. So, he leads with his head.

"Sure, Williams has the 'interim' label attached to his title, but I don't think he minds. That 'I' is much less embarrassing than that 'scarlet letter' he carries because of the bounty scandal.

"Bruce Arians said he would leave his announcing job at CBS and come out of retirement to coach the Browns. I would absolutely love to see that, and so would CBS."

The Falcons beat the Redskins 38-14 in Washington to post their third consecutive win. Matt Ryan passed for 350 yards and 4 touchdowns, including his first to Julio Jones this season.

"Julio was mobbed by his teammates after scoring," Dan Quinn said. "It's probably the best tackling I've seen from my team all year."

Falcons win, 29-23.

New England @ Tennessee (+7)

The Patriots beat the Packers 31-17 on Sunday night as the Pats rushed for 123 yards and a touchdown. Tom Brady's 55-yard TD pass to Josh Gordon in the fourth quarter sealed the win.

"I have a ton of respect for Aaron Rodgers," Brady said. "But I think it's clear who the better quarterback is. If Aaron and I were both participating in a wedding party, I'd be the best man, and he'd be the ring bearer. And Derek Carr would be the bride.

"But let's face it, if Aaron had the same resources that I enjoy here in New England, he'd have it all — the Super Bowl rings, the passing records, the inside knowledge of Jets practices, a missing cell phone, and an exclusive home in our special 'gate-d' community.

"I expect a very warm reception from those hillbillies in Tennessee. I hear they love 'GOATS' there, almost as much as they love sheep."

The Titans roughed up the Cowboys 28-14 Monday night in Dallas.

"We went in to AT&T Stadium with an attitude," Mike Vrabel said. "You saw that when Kevin Byard celebrated on the Dallas 'Star' at midfield after an interception. Much like their coaching situation, the Cowboys did nothing about it.

"One thing's for sure — Jerry Jones loves his Cowboys almost as much as he loves himself. Jerry is an owner who makes his presence felt, as opposed to some owners, like former Panthers owner Jerry Richardson, whose presence feels you."

Cordarrelle Patterson has 24 yards rushing, 17 yards receiving, tosses a TD pass to James White, and wins the over-18 NFL Punt, Pass, And Kick competition at halftime.

New England wins, 28-18.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-3)

The Colts return from a Week 9 bye hoping to make a run in the AFC South.

"Our offense can score on anyone," Frank Reich said. "In other words, they 'eat D's,' which is exactly what you can say about our defense."

The Jaguars had a Week 9 bye after their loss to the Eagles in London. At 3-5, the Hags trail the 6-3 Texans by 2½ games.

"Leonard Fournette is back!" Doug Marrone said. "Finally, someone man enough to 'take the ball' from Blake Bortles."

Fournette rushes for 75 yards, but it's Bortles whose legs make the difference.

Jags win, 24-21.

Arizona @ Kansas City (-16½)

The Cards face a daunting task with a road contest at Arrowhead Stadium, home of the Chiefs' high-powered offense.

"We've got our work cut out for us," Steve Wilks said. "Luckily, we've had an extra week to prepare. Unfortunately, our offense is 'extra weak.'

"We released Sam Bradford on Saturday. Sam was oft-injured, and also oft-payed. Despite being paid over $120 million in his career, teams could never 'bank' on Bradford. Sam was known as the 'Salary Captain.' His bank account is the only thing that's healthy."

The Chiefs outscored the Browns 37-21 in Cleveland to improve to 8-1. Patrick Mahomes passed for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns, giving him 29 on the year, an NFL record through the first 9 games.

"Like Tyreek Hill," Andy Reid said, "our offense moves at 'warp speed.' That's science fiction. But I think there's a place for science fiction in the game. It would be great if I could time travel to my acceptance to the Lombardi Trophy presentation."

Chiefs win, 36-17.

Buffalo @ N.Y. Jets (-7½)

The Bills were blasted 41-9 by the visiting Bears as Nathan Peterman struggled with 3 interceptions.

"I thought Nathan gave us the best chance to win," Doug McDermott said. "After seeing Nathan play, I'd like to amend my statement — Nathan gives Alabama the best chance to win a game if a college team was to ever beat a professional team."

Sam Darnold threw 4 interceptions as the Jets lost 13-6 at Miami.

"Sam acknowledge that he struggled," Todd Bowles said. "In fact, he even said he was 'playing stupid.' But there's no way I'm benching Sam. He's still our guy. Don't believe me? Then why am I wearing this 'I'm with stupid' t-shirt?"

Jets win, 18-14.

Washington @ Tampa Bay (-2½)

The Redskins were hammered 38-14 by the Falcons at FedEx Field, a loss that shrunk Washington's lead in the NFC East to one game over the Eagles.

"We played horribly," Jay Gruden said. "Personally, I feel terrible about it. But I'm an optimist; I choose to look on the bright side. And the bright side is I'm the Gruden who's not the coach of the Raiders.

"I advised Jon not to get back into coaching. The reasons are numerous. First of all, because I knew the game had passed him by, but more importantly, to keep Jason Witten out of the Monday Night Football booth.

"Jon tells me there's a ship in the north end zone of the Buccaneers stadium. I hear there's a 'tank' in north end zone of the Raiders stadium."

Tampa lost 42-28 at Carolina as their defense struggled to stop the Carolina offense. Ryan Fitzpatrick passed for 4 touchdowns, but also threw 2 interceptions.

"If only we could the take the best parts of Fitzpatrick," Dirk Koetter said, "the best parts of Jameis Winston, and smash them together. That would be a monster of a quarterback. We'd probably call it 'Frank-INT-stein."

Washington rebounds, leaning on their defense and running game, and takes a 27-21 win.

L.A. Chargers @ Oakland (+9½)

The Raiders were crushed 34-3 on Thursday to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. Oakland gave up 3 touchdown passes to rookie quarterback C.J. Mullens, while the Raiders offense sputtered.

"We played like Mark Davis looks," Jon Gruden said. "Ugly, with no hope of improving, and with the only 'bowl' in sight the one used to cut hair. Just like Mark, this team needs an extreme makeover.

"As I've said before, players are dying to play for the Raiders. Also, other teams are dying to play the Raiders. "

The Chargers beat the Seahawks 25-17 in Seattle, led by Philip Rivers and Melvin Gordon. Los Angeles is 6-2, second in the AFC West.

"If we can go to Seattle and win," Rivers said, "then we can go to Oakland and do the same. With or without a kicker. Our motto is, 'Los Angeles: Giving Kickers the Boot Since 2016.'

"Most people can't wait for the Raiders to move to Las Vegas," Rivers said. "I can't either. Playing the Raiders in Vegas would allow me to kill two birds with one stone — picking up an AFC West victory, and winning a bet that we covered the spread."

Chargers win, 31-17.

Miami @ Green Bay (-9)

The Dolphins beat the sluggish Jets 13-6 at soggy Hard Rock Stadium, The Miami defense intercepted Sam Darnold 4 times and sacked him 4 times.

"Safety Reshad Jones pulled himself out of the game," Adam Gase said. "I guess that now makes him a 'sub.'"

The Packers lost 31-17 to the Patriots on Sunday night.

"It's disappointing," Aaron Rodgers said. "I'm in my prime, so we need to be able to win now. It's no time to R-E-L-A-X. In a few short years, I'll be too old, and it will be time for M-I-R-A-L-A-X.

"We're not exactly sure who will start at quarterback for the Dolphins. That information is hard to come by. Adam Gase is always vague. I heard he once showed up at a press conference to discuss Ryan Tannehill's status wearing a Riddler costume."

Green Bay win, 30-23.

Seattle @ L.A. Rams (-10)

Seattle lost 25-17 at home to the Chargers as the Seahawks late rally fell short. Seattle is 4-4, 3 ½ games behind the 8-1 Rams in the NFC West.

"The Rams offense is explosive," Pete Carroll said. "They should be called the 'Legion Of Ka-Boom.' What I wouldn't give to have the 'Legion of Boom' defense here to defend them. It seems like only yesterday the 'LOB' was dominating the league. And then in an instant, they weren't. It was the 'Legion of Poof.'"

The Rams lost for the first time, falling 45-35 at New Orleans.

"We were the last undefeated team in the league," Sean McVay said. "While I'm sad for us, I'm happy for the 1972 Dolphins. They can let go with a much-deserved sigh of relief, assuming they're still breathing.

"If your first loss doesn't come until November, then you're doing something right. If you're first win doesn't come until November, Jeff Fisher has been your head coach for much too long."

Rams win, 30-24.

Dallas @ Philadelphia (-6)

The Cowboys lost 28-14 to the Titans on Monday night and fell to 3-5. "Even with Amari Cooper," Dak Prescott said, "our downfield passing attack didn't look much better. You could say it 'bombed.' That means we're in 'deep' trouble.

"Troy Aikman said the Cowboys need an 'overhaul' of their organization. Coming from Troy, that probably means he'd like to see Jimmy Johnson as the new head coach. That would definitely be an improvement over Jason Garrett. Jimmy's johnson would be an improvement. Heck, Jimmie Johnson the NASCAR driver would be an improvement."

The Eagles are coming off a Week 9 bye and sit at 4-4 in the NFC East, one game behind the 6-4 Redskins.

"We're breathing down the Redskins necks," Carson Wentz said, "and they know it. It smells like cheese steak and Yuengling.

"We expect Sunday night's game to be very physical. But the outcome will probably come down to fundamentals. And Philly fans love their fundamentals. Ask any Eagles fan about the 'A-B-C's' of football and he or she will tell you not to forget the 'D's,' as in D-cell battery."

Eagles win, 24-22.

N.Y. Giants @ San Francisco (-3)

The Giants are 1-7 and had a Week 9 bye to access

"It was still an eventful week," Pat Shurmur said. "Our backup quarterback Kyle Lauletta was arrested for a traffic violation. It looks like another stalled drive for the Giants.

"And Terrell Owens said we should get rid of Eli Manning. I appreciate T.O.'s input, but I can only take so much from a volatile and outspoken, yet extremely talented, wide receiver. In T.O.'s honor, I'll be presenting the pre-game speech to my team from the campus of the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga."

Rookie Nick Mullens, starting for the injured C.J. Beathard, the 49ers rolled over the Raiders 34-3. Mullens passed for 3 touchdowns and earned the start on Monday night against the Giants.

"Nick looked great," Kyle Shanahan said, "and he's now the toast of the town. He's never dated a porn star, but he could now if he wanted. Women are throwing themselves at him, and this being San Francisco, so are men."

Giants win, 24-19.

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