By Topher
Bordeau
Sunday, November 4th, 2001
OU/NU Kickoff - Nebraska sprints onto the field with the urgency of
a group that has just cleared the barbed wire at the fed pen. Wait, let's
just say they're running really fast and look pretty juiced up. Guys are
jumping up and down, screaming at each other, pacing the sidelines. It's
like their uniforms are piping hot and they need to cool off. Oklahoma looks
a little more composed, but just as excited, a bunch of heartland farm boys
getting ready to tip the biggest cow of their lives. The bands are playing,
the crowd is going nuts, and there's no way I'm getting off the couch even
though this game won't end for three hours.<
Oakland/Philadelphia Kickoff: The OU tuba player ran onto the field
faster than Philly lineman Doug Brzezinski, who likes to eat tuba players
with a little hommus. Walking around on the sideline, it looks a lot like
an office for very big people wearing funny clothes. No one's all that interested
in what's going on around them, although they're trying to look like they
are whenever an authority figure walks by. Who knows what the crowd's up
to? They're so far from the field that it really doesn't matter, which is
a good thing when most Philly fans bring their foam #1 finger, their Eagles
hat, and a box of Duracells to the game. I need some nachos.
OU double-reverse pass to the QB - I cannot believe they just tried
that, even if it failed. It's almost better that it failed on such a blatant
screw-up. In the No Fun League, there are no screw-ups, the players are too
good; the game is perfect. Would I rather see Sammy Sosa at the plate, knowing
he might swing really hard and miss, or the Louisville Slugger testing machine
jacking monotonous 503 foot shots for two hours? No contest. I feel bad for
Heupel; that would have been unbelievable. How the hell did so much of the
game already elapse?
Oakland/Philadelphia, end of first quarter - Don't ask me the score
because I don't know it. I haven't slept, read, gone to the bathroom, or
even had any particularly engaging conversation with my buddy Morgan, but
I have no idea what the score is. I've been watching the whole time and can't
tell you what's happening. Neither can he.
Does the NFL induce short-term memory loss? I'll guess. We had some smashmouth
running, in which a very strong fullback tried to diffuse through a non-existent
off-guard hole that a couple D-tackles already had plugged. The resultant collision
looked a little like a baseball fight: somehow both parties fell to the ground
without actually making sharp contact with each other. We also had a few
deep passes broken up by cornerbacks that can run backwards faster than receivers
go forwards. Wow, look at that guy run backwards. That's fantastic. I need
some pizza.
NU double-reverse to the QB - Three things about this play that illustrate
college football's superiority: (1) Even after the opposing team had already
tried the stunt, NU got away with it because (2) Coaches are willing to take
bigger risks in the college game. Their players won't turn on them as quickly,
and the players also want to win more, which makes them more willing to pull
out all the stops. (3) Crouch ran away from the defensive back on
the play to score the TD. In the pros, no one runs away from the defensive
back. In the pros, Crouch gets caught five yards after he catches the ball,
is thrown to the ground, and concussed so bad that Troy Aikman loses his
keys again. In the pros ...
Oakland/Philadelphia, game over - What? What happened? Again, I didn't
sleep, leave, or drink heavily during the game, but it completely failed
to hold my attention. Somehow, I feel like I've been watching a test pattern
for four hours. I'm drained without having engaged my body or brain. My appetite
on the other hand, has been sated and beyond. I'm stuffed and feeling a little
nauseous.
There you have it. College football leaves you elated, screaming, wanting
more. The pros leave you dazed, apathetic, and bloated. Tough choice.
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