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It used to be that I could turn the television to SportsCenter at 9 AM and watch it repeat four times until it was over. No matter the season or the particular stories, I could lie on the couch for hours (I have a lot of spare time in the morning) and not lose focus.

Not anymore. Now I can hardly get through 10 minutes of the sports show without flipping to see if MTV is running the "Cribs" with Master P's gold-plated bathtub. Or if Harm and Mac will end up saving the United States, once again, from nuclear disaster on the hit show "J.A.G."

Why does it have to be like this? What happened to the overwhelming passion for sports that used to keep me glued to the television the way a fat kid watches that last cupcake?

It took some self-reflection and a topic for this week's column to finally come up with the answer.

I really don't care about it anymore.

It's not that I don't care about sports. I'm still as interested in most of the stuff as I was before. I think it's that I'm tired of all the crap that gets fed down our throat. Most of it, I really could care less about.

What kind of stuff am I tired of hearing about, you ask? That's a good question, let me tell you ...

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... George Steinbrenner:

Will someone do me a favor and shut this guy up? If I ever saw him in person, I'd probably punch him in the side of the head.

For example:

"What's up, George?"

WHAM!

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just hit you in the side of your head and knocked you out."

I don't care what he thinks about Derek Jeter. I don't care what he says about David Wells. If he doesn't like what Joe Torre is doing, fire his ass and find another manager who will win four World Series championships in seven years. It can't be that hard. Just shut the #&@% up.

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... Annika Sorenstam:

I didn't watch a single second of Annika Sorenstam playing in the Colonial. I didn't even watch a second of the highlights. When her name came up, it was like an automatic channel-change. She could have won the event, she could have finished dead last, it wouldn't have bothered me either way because I wouldn't have known about it.

Does that make me a sexist? Who cares? She's a girl, playing with a bunch of boys. If she can compete with the best, good for her. Hey, girls used to play sports with the boys all the time when I was growning up. If the guys on the PGA Tour really had that much of a problem with it, just do what we used to do ... stop whining about it and shove her in the mud when she isn't looking.

But for as much whining as they the men were doing, I was starting to think Sorenstam wasn't the only girl playing on the PGA Tour.

And now that I've mentioned it ...

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... the PGA Tour (without Tiger):

I don't even like Tiger that much. He falls into the same class as the Braves, the Yankees, the Red Wings, and the Lakers. If I'm watching him play, it's only because I want to see him lose.

But without Tiger in the field, what fun are the PGA Tour events? It's like watching a Royal Rumble without The Rock or Triple H. When you win, all you've done is prove you're best sucky guy in the field.

If someone beats Tiger, it's worthy of a highlight or two. But if he's not in the field, why even bother putting it on television?

Speaking of The Rock and Triple H ...

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... pro wrestling:

Remember a few years ago when it was huge? Everybody was watching. Stone Cold was flipping people off, The Rock was doing the eyebrow thing. WCW was broadcasting the results from the WWF on their show. It was awesome.

I can't even put my finger on when it happened, but somewhere along the way, wrestling really got stupid. What used to be a regular Monday night fixture has now turned into a "who the hell is that guy?" when you hit TNN while flipping through the channels looking for Lizzie McGuire ... uh, I mean, Monday night baseball.

And does anyone else recognize that the rise and fall of pro wresting correlated with the rise and fall of the stock market?

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... your ex-boyfriend:

This has nothing to do with sports, but it's been bugging me anyway. When I first meet you and ask how you're doing, I really don't care that much. Don't tell me your life story. Don't tell me how much you hate your ex-boyfriend or that you're wearing the new capri pants from the Gap. I don't care.

And if we're going out, I promise I won't tell you that you look fat. I'll always say the dress looks good on you. And I'll do my best not to drink out of the carton. All I ask is that when I bring up the idea about including your sister/roommate/best friend and some Cool Whip, you at least pretend to consider it.

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... Mike Tyson:

Mike, you're reaching, buddy. Big deal, you'd rape that girl now if you had the chance. Tell you what, knock somebody worthwhile out, then I'll pay attention to you again. When was the last time you had a real victory? Like 1993?

Tyson is boxing. Forget Roy Jones, Jr. Forget Lennox Lewis (oh wait, everyone already has). Tyson is the one people pay attention to, and he's running out of attention-getting stunts.

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... the NHL:

Nope, sorry. It isn't going to fly. Not in America. It ranks just slightly above soccer when it comes to the national interest. And soccer ranks just above seeing who can hold their breath the longest. I thought maybe when the playoffs came around, it would be different. But it isn't. I still don't watch hockey, probably never will.

Go back to Canada, and take your moonshine with you.

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... your car:

It can go faster than mine. Big deal. Unless you can really pull an actual horse out of your hood, I don't care how many there are under there. I saw The Fast and the Furious, too, you're not Vin Diesel, no matter how fast your car goes.

When we're being chased by killer bees and we need a car that can go 0-to-100 in 2.7 seconds, then yours will come in handy. Otherwise, the only thing "souping it up" is going to accomplish is wasting a lot of money on something that will just end up putting you in the hospital.

I DON'T GIVE A #&@% ABOUT ... tennis:

Men's tennis, women's tennis, the whole package. I could do without it. And I'm tired of hearing people say how big women's tennis is.

Let's be honest, if there wasn't Anna Kournikova or this new Ashley Harkleroad hottie or Serena Williams parading around in that catsuit, no one would know anything about it. If I'm watching women's tennis, you can be sure I have no idea who's winning or losing. It's just that there isn't anything good on Cinemax.

Seriously, what guy ever really watches women's tennis for the on-court play? We're all secretly hoping the two hotties will get pissed at each other and start fighting in the clay. Then make out.

Now that's something I'd watch.

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