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Zinzey16 02-27-2005 02:03 PM

The Official Joke Thread
In light of recent discussion, I thought I would start off an official joke thread....


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home"

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair".


Zinzey16 02-27-2005 02:10 PM

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."

The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation. She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Pimpbot 02-27-2005 03:11 PM

Q. Whats a 12 year old boys least favorite salad dressing?.

A. Neverland Ranch.

KevinBeane 02-27-2005 06:03 PM

Continuing Pimpbot's Michael Jackson theme

Q: What do Michael Jackson and KMart have in common?

A: Boys' underwear half off.

Tarkus 02-27-2005 06:07 PM


The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, 'You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

'Why?' she asks.

'Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.'

Tarkus 02-27-2005 06:10 PM

Mars and Venus Revisited...
7 vocabulary differences between men and women

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.....Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female...An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male.....A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

davematthews3 02-27-2005 07:37 PM

A man goes to the store to pick his wife up some Tampons. He askes the Girl behind the counter where they are so she shows him. A few minutes later he comes back up to the counter with some string and cottonballs the lady says to him "Sir I thought you needed Tampons. The man says "Well last week I sent my wife out for cigarettes and she got rolling paper and tobacco because she said it was cheaper."

Pimpbot 02-27-2005 07:42 PM

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery store bag?.

One's plastic and dangerous around small children, the other holds your shopping.

jhuerbin88 02-27-2005 07:48 PM

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're ****ing ugly."

davematthews3 02-27-2005 08:59 PM

Dennis Rodman & Limp Bizkit

Q: Limp Bizkit and Dennis Rodman are on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?

A: The music world and the NBA...

Zinzey16 02-28-2005 12:33 AM

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can we do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith who lives on Highway 1. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Well, we thank you very much for the tip-off call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave shaking their heads.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Happy birthday, buddy!"

Zinzey16 02-28-2005 12:33 AM

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each be punished and in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Alright, shoot his ***** off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Alright, burn his ***** off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Zinzey16 03-01-2005 12:26 PM

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Oh ****."

bombers fan 03-01-2005 11:47 PM

Two USA reporters are stuck in Iraq since July and wave down a us chopper for help. The pilot dosent trust them so he asks them a question before he picks them up. He asks them who won the World Series. The two reporters look at each other puzzled because they have been stuck here since july and it is now march and have no clue so they yell out the Yankees. The pilot starts to fire on the two reporters and one reporter turns to the other and says I guess they traded Mariano Rivera

Marc 03-04-2005 12:16 AM

How do you know you had a crazy night?

You wake up naked in a police car with two officers.

And you're driving.

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