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View Poll Results: (after you read my post) Is this a good i dea to bring humor like this onto the boars
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Old 01-07-2003, 04:23 AM   #1
Clipper Boy
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Default Things you shouldn't say to...


These are things you shouldn't say to these guys cuz you like them too much

Patrick Ewing

Hey, Patrick, the only franchise that's going to retire your number is the Gold Club.

Hey, Patrick, those fans at the Garden aren't booing, they're ... oh, wait a minute, yeah they are.

Hey, Patrick, those Knicks cheerleaders are there to pick up everybody's spirit, not just yours, horndog.

Hey, Patrick, you left New York just when they cleaned up the sleaze. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Hey, Patrick, it's appropriate you play for the Magic, 'cause that's what it took to keep you in the league.

Hey, Patrick, it makes sense you play near Disney World, 'cause your game has been goofy for years.

Hey, Patrick, it's ironic that you wear number 6, 'cause that's how many minutes a game you're averaging.

Hey, Patrick, now that you're retiring you can fall back on your college degree — oh that's right, you never got one.

Hey, Patrick, I bet you wished you worked for a real network, buddy. Oh, I'm sorry. That's something you wouldn't say to Dan Patrick.

Thursday, April 18

Hey, Milwaukee, now your Bucks have something in common with your Brewers — they're both out of the playoff picture.

Hey, Milwaukee, look on the bright side ... you've got six weeks of summer to look forward to.

Hey, Milwaukee, Cleveland says thanks. They were tired of being the only mistake by the lake.

Hey, Milwaukee, use the phone. I can't hear a word you're saying. Oh I'm sorry, that's something you wouldn't say to a Mil-walkie talkie.

Hey, Milwaukee, just because Laverne and Shirley took place in your town, doesn't mean your teams have to play like girls.

Hey, Milwaukee, look on the bright side ... the Twins and the Timberwolves are within driving distance.

Hey, Milwaukee, it's ironic the show "Happy Days" took place in your town, since you never have any.

Hey, Milwaukee, why don't you stop eating so much cheese your ass looks like two couches. Oh I'm sorry, that's something you wouldn't say to a girl from Milwaukee.

Tuesday, April 16
Latrell Sprewell

Hey, Sprewell, what does the Knicks' crappy season have in common with P.J. Carlesimo's neck? Your hands are all over it.

Hey, Sprewell, your behavior has been called, "conduct detrimental to the team." Do they mean oversleeping or shooting 40 percent from the field?

Hey, Sprewell, you're making $11 million this season. What's that, a million dollars for every Knicks win?

Hey, Sprewell, I know one thing you'll never be squeezing your hands around — an NBA championship trophy.

Hey, Sprewell, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think it's Houston that has a problem.

Hey Sprewell, you've really had an impact on the Knicks. Now the whole team's choking.

Wednesday, April 24
Vlade Divac

Hey, Vlade, congratulations. You've done more for Jazz fans than Thelonius Monk.

Hey, Vlade, could you say something bad about the Timberwolves? They need help in their playoff series, too.

Hey, Vlade, next time you decide to stop smoking, try putting the nicotine patch over your mouth.

Hey, Vlade, you've gone from L.A. Showtime to Sacramento Blow-time!

Hey, Vlade, your signature move is rubbing off. Now your whole team's flopping.

Hey, Vlade, I heard you got salmonella 'cause you thought the chicken was "done" too.

Hey, Vlade, congratulations. You've gotten the Kings into a situation hairier than your face.

Hey, Vlade, great quote. What are you gonna do next? Tell Chris Webber you're sleeping with Tyra Banks?

Hey, Vlade, how does it feel to be the only Yugo slower than the car?

Hey, Vlade, here's something else that's done: your lungs

Wednesday, July 31
Darius Miles

Hey, Darius, you’re moving from L.A. to Cleveland? Now you really have a reason to pound your fists into your head.

Hey, Darius, it’s too bad you’re not 21, 'cause when you see Cleveland, you’re gonna need a drink.

Hey, Darius, it’s appropriate your name is Miles, 'cause in Cleveland that’s how far you’ll be from an NBA championship.

Hey, Darius, how bad does it suck to be sent to a city where Chris Rose is considered cool?

Hey, Darius, it's appropriate that you're playing in Cleveland since your approach to defense was always so "cavalier."

Hey, Darius, now that you're on your way to Cleveland, skipping college doesn't seem like such a hot idea, does it?

Hey, Darius, it’s too bad they don’t have slump-busters in music, 'cause it’s been ages since you’ve had a hit. Oh I’m sorry, that’s something you wouldn’t say to Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish.

Hey, Darius, it’s appropriate you played for the Clippers, 'cause it looks like they just threw you overboard, buddy.

Hey, Darius, don’t feel too bad if you don’t know any of your new teammates’ names. Nobody else does either.

Hey, Darius, what’s the difference between you and a fine German lager? A fine German lager wouldn’t get traded for a Miller.

If any of you people get mad at me for makin fun of some of these guys, sorry, i just wanted to bring some humor into the boards.

If you people do like it, I'll post some more.
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Old 01-07-2003, 10:12 AM   #2
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Old 01-07-2003, 04:01 PM   #3
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Default Re: Things you shouldn't say to...

Originally posted by Clipper Boy

Hey, Darius, what’s the difference between you and a fine German lager? A fine German lager wouldn’t get traded for a Miller.
I've done so on a number of occasions, good stuff though ClipperBoy, do some more. I love Darius and I love fine Miller products.
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Old 01-07-2003, 04:48 PM   #4
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Just like on the Best Damn Sports Show....i like this...
Ohio State Buckeyes
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Old 01-07-2003, 06:22 PM   #5
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Fun stuff.
Marc James - SCMB Administrator | Sports Central Managing Editor & Founder
Teams: [Kentucky Wildcats] [Green Bay Packers] [Charlotte Hornets]
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Old 01-07-2003, 07:17 PM   #6
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Not bahahad.
"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." -Grantland Rice
"Grantland Rice can go to hell for all I care!" -Gene Autry
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Old 01-07-2003, 07:41 PM   #7
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That's great. I'll be more than happy to post more. not right at this moment cuz of homework, but if i don't post any more tonight, it'll be guaranteed tomorrow.
Have you ever ripped one in class?

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Old 01-08-2003, 10:52 PM   #8
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Tuesday, November 26
Bill Walton | Video

Hey, Bill, congratulations on your Emmy Award. I didn't know they had a category for Biggest Whiner.

Hey, Bill, listening to you breakdown a basketball game has improved my quickness ... in pressing the mute button.

Hey, Bill, what's your rap name, Master of the Obvious?

Hey, Bill, it's funny you played for Wooden, since that also describes your broadcasting style.

Hey, Walton, what's with bagging on Master P? Did you run out of dumb comments about Shaq?

Hey, Bill, forget Master P giving up his NBA dream. When are you gonna give up your dream of ever being an NBA broadcaster?

Hey, Bill, the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade called. They want to know if you're available to blow hot air into the Mighty Mouse float.

Hey, Bill, and I thought the most annoying red head was Carrot Top.

Hey, Bill, why give up when anything's possible — for instance, you making it as a broadcaster.

Hey, Bill, if we tie-dyed a sock, would you please let us stick it in your mouth?

Hey, Bill, it's bad enough you ruin basketball on TV. Do you have to ruin Grateful Dead concerts, too, by standing up in the front row?

Hey, Bill, I hear you're a big follower of the Grateful Dead. For god's sake, man — haven't they suffered enough?!

Portland Trailblazers | Video

Hey, Trail Blazers, you're supposed to celebrate after you win a championship, dumb asses.

Hey, Trail Blazers, good news. Based on your latest marijuana problems, Bill Walton is talking comeback.

Hey, Trail Blazers, forget about posting up, how 'bout posting bail?

Hey, Trail Blazers, don't stress about that pot bust. The way you guys shoot the ball you can always claim it's for your glaucoma.

Hey, Trail Blazers, it's official. Now there's really nothing to do in Portland.

Hey, Portland, if I want to watch five whining prima-donnas, I'll got to an N'Sync concert.

Hey, Trail Blazers, I know why you can't focus on the court. Rasheed Wallace's tattoos are making you dizzy.

Los Angeles Lakers | Video

Hey, Lakers, wanna know how to stop Yao? Next time have Rick Fox sneak-attack him at halftime.

Hey, Lakers, I know one repeat that's sure to happen at Staples Center this year: Lakers fans regurgitating food during another one of your pathetic losses.

Hey, Lakers, Jack Nicholson called. You can't handle the truth ... or Yao Ming, for that matter!

Hey, Lakers, what's sagging more? You in the standings or the aging celebrity faces in the front row?

Hey, Lakers, how does it feel to go from Showtime to Blowtime?

Hey, Lakers, you and I have a lot in common. We're both extremely soft in the middle.

Hey, Lakers, Halloween is over. Tell Shaq to stop doing his John Salley impression.

Hey, Lakers, instead of four championships in a row, why don't you just try for four victories in a row.

Hey, Lakers, you guys are playing the same way Rick Fox fights ... like girls.

Hey, Lakers, do you guys know if those "4-peat" signs happen to be recyclable?

Hey, Lakers, thanks to you guys Yao Ming just learned his first two words of English: Lakers blow!

Hey, Lakers, it's appropriate you play in the Staples Center since watching you makes me wanna staple my eyes shut.

Hey, Lakers, the only W you need to worry about is the one that's about to be put in front of the NBA on your jersies.

Hey, Lakers, Shaq hasn't had to sit through something this bad since the premiere of Kazaam.

Hey, Lakers, I hate to say it, but you make me long for the days of John Salley

Shawn Bradley | Video

Hey, Shawn, time to go on another Mormon mission — to find your dignity.

Hey, Shawn, I know Mormons forbid a lot of things, but I didn’t know scoring was one of them

Hey, Shawn, the only shot you’re blocking is your team’s shot of making the playoffs.

Hey, Shawn, put a shirt on, old man. Nobody thinks you’re sexy anymore. Oh I’m sorry, that’s something you’d never say to Sean Connery.

Hey, Shawn, they say you can't teach tall. Well, watching you get your ass kicked on the court every night, I'd say they're right.

Hey, Shawn, you're consistently among the league leaders in blocks. That must mean they've started counting mental blocks.

Hey, Shawn, in the movie Space Jam, you had a bit part — just like you do on the Mavericks.

Hey, Shawn, nice body. Who’s your weight trainer — Manute Bol?

Hey, Shawn, now you know what it’s like to be a Mormon woman ... because Jerome just made you his wife.

Hey, Shawn, congratulations. You’re the only player who could make Yao Ming look graceful.

Hey, Shawn, be careful. They may start calling you the white John Salley.

Hey, Shawn, I just saw the Williams dunk. I haven’t seen anybody get faced that badly since Tammy Faye.

Hey, Shawn, repeat after me: “This year for Christmas, I want about 75 lbs. and a competitive spirit.”

Hey, Shawn, show a little effort, will ya? The only time you jump is when you’re switching teams.

Hey, Shawn, I think it’s time you went on another Mormon mission — to find your jump shot.

Hey, Shawn, I haven’t seen a white guy look this bad since my last movie.

Hey, Shawn, your nickname should be “The Big Tissue.” You’re thin, white and everybody in the league blows through you.

Monday, November 4
Karl Malone | Video

Hey, Karl, which zero hurts worse — the points ... or the rings?

Hey, Karl, I know the league asked you guys to make Yao Ming feel at home ... but that didn't mean start playing like him.

Hey, Karl, which was more embarrassing — getting shutout by the Sonics or those back-of-the-head shots in your Rogaine commercials?

Hey, Karl, Utah still wants you to play for them next season. Not the Jazz, the Starzz.

Hey, Karl, I’m confused. I thought you were planning to retire at the end of the season.

Hey, Karl, congratulations. I hear you’re starring in a new movie: Scoreless in Seattle.

Hey, Karl, your style of play perfectly matches Utah ... boring as hell.

Hey, Karl, forget the “Mailman.” They should call you “The Mason” 'cause you sure know how to lay bricks.

Hey, Karl, hang it up, buddy, the fat lady is singing ... and I’m not talking about Greg Ostertag.

Tuesday, December 24
Santa Claus

Hey, Santa, I guess there really is a Santa Claus — it's our second Christmas, and we're still on the air!

Hey, Santa, have yourself a merry little Christmas ... and maybe mix in a salad once in awhile, lardass.

Hey, Santa, I guess there really is a Santa Claus ... judging from my empty liquor cabinet.

Hey, Santa, you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why ... your cholesterol level is up to 400, fatman.

Hey, Santa, you get 11 frickin' months of the year off. You couldn't make it to a gym once?

Hey, Santa, wanna hear a real miracle on 34th Street? You leave your sled on the roof of a New York City apartment building, and it's still there when you come back.

Hey, Santa, get a clue, man. You know your wardrobe's tacky when even Michael Irvin wouldn't be seen in it.

Hey, Santa, all these years, you couldn't save enough to move outta the North frickin' Pole? What the hell have you been doing with your money, dude?

Hey, Santa, maybe I'd like to sit on your lap, but with a gut that size, you no longer have one!

Hey, Santa, when it comes to pro athletes, do you make a list of who's been naughty and who's been acquitted?

Hey, Santa, you know when I am sleeping and you know when I'm awake? Stop stalking me, perv!

Hey, Santa, I know what I'm getting you for Christmas — a treadmill, lardass.

Hey, Santa, maybe your nose wouldn't be so rosy if you'd put down the eggnog ladle once in a while.

Hey, Santa, stop sneaking into my house and stealing my cookies, fat man. Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's something you'd never say to John Kruk.

Hey, Santa, I hate to break it to you, but the chimneys haven't gotten any narrower, jelly belly.

Hey, Santa, all I want for Christmas is you to stop breaking into my house in the middle of the night.

Hey, Santa, you'd better watch out, you'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, I'm telling you why — 'cause we're still on the air, that's why!

Hey, Santa, we wish you a Merry Christmas ... now where's our damn Emmy?

Hey, Santa, what do you mean we're not on your list? Check it a third time.

Hey, Santa, just thinking out loud, but an Emmy would make an excellent stocking stuffer.

Hey, Santa, I just figured out why you're so jolly. Your North Pole cable provider must finally be airing our show.

Hey, Santa, you're basing your gift list on who's been naughty and nice? Damn, sure hope they don't get cable at the North Pole.

Monday, October 28
Doug Christie | Video

Hey, Doug, I saw that uppercut. Shaq was right — you are a Sacramento Queen.

Hey, Doug, the way you fight you should change your name to Agatha Christie.

Hey, Doug, nice punch. It’s about time you actually hit something against the Lakers.

Hey, Doug, hit Fox in the face all ya want. Just don’t mess with the hair.

Hey, Doug, you got punked by a guy named Rick Fox? Who's your next fight against, Little Bunny Foo-Foo?

Hey, Doug, you certainly fight like a King. Rodney King that is.

Hey, Doug, who’s the bigger loser? You get sent home with a two-game suspension, and Rick Fox gets six games at home with Vanessa Williams.

Hey, Doug, so what's the thinking here — if you can't beat 'em in the playoffs, just beat 'em?

Hey, Doug, you should watch who you're picking fights with, brother. Rick Fox has friends in a fictional prison.

Hey, Doug, you fight like Christie is your first name.

Monday, October 14
New York Knicks | Video

Hey, Knicks, nice trade for McDyess. Why don't you pick up Alonzo Mourning while you're at it, idiots?

Hey, Knicks, look on the bright side, now that Spree and McDyess are out, maybe that little jerk Spike Lee won't show up 'til later in the season.

Hey, Knicks, at least you still have your emotional leader on the team ... I mean, Milos Vujanic isn't injured is he?

Hey, Knicks, which is a harsher punishment: the fine you're making Sprewell pay or the season you're making ticketholders sit through?

Hey, Knicks, admit it — ya miss Ewing.

Hey, Knicks, congrats. Only you guys could make the Jets look good.

Hey, Knicks, congrats. You finally given New Yorkers something more painful to watch than “Cats.”

Hey, Knicks, the Golden State Warriors called: You guys suck!

Hey, Knicks, in honor of the upcoming season The Garden has officially changed its name to The Infirmary.

Hey, Knicks, that angry guy jumping up and down on the sideline isn’t Don Chaney, it’s Spike Lee wanting a refund.

Hey, Knicks, look on the bright side — you’re not the only ones limping off the court. So, are your season ticket holders.

Hey, Knicks, who’s hurting more — Antonio McDyess or your season ticket holders?

Hey, Knicks, it’s a good thing Rudy Guliani isn’t around to clean up Times Square, or you guys would soon be buried in a Jersey landfill.

Hey, Knicks, the MRI results are in. McDyess’ knee isn’t the only thing that’s blown this season.

Hey, Knicks, McDyess just got his second opinion. Doctors said he should’ve stayed with the Nuggets.

Hey, Knicks, sorry about the bad news. No, not McDyess’ injury ... that Othella Harrington is your starting power forward.
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