The Idiot’s Guide to the Suicide Pool

The NFL starts Thursday, which is only a vessel for the commencement of something I have been without for the past 12 months ... the suicide pool. And for the 18 NFL fans that have no idea what I am talking about, allow me to explain.

Pick one team to win per week. That's it. No point spreads, no nothing, just the winner. And you can't pick the same team twice. Last man standing takes the pot. Rules so simple, Larry Holmes could follow.

My suicide pool costs $30, with about 300 participants. Do the math, and that's a lot of money a lot of people think they are going to win. Because it sounds so simple! Pick one team to win a week? Any idiot, especially me, can do that no problem!

My first year was 2001. The Minnesota Vikings opened the season hosting the Carolina Panthers. Which brings me to my first rule when participating in one of these things: don't listen to anyone about who to select, particularly those that use the term "cover 2" on a regular basis.

I was assured by one of my "expert" friends that there was no way the Vikings would lose. Carolina was terrible and the Vikings never drop a game at home. As it turned out, he was half right. Carolina certainly was terrible ... they lost 15 games in a row that year. Of course that's after they opened the season with a win in Minnesota.

So the next year, I went with a little different strategy, which was working out pretty good. Eight weeks of picking winners, based on gut instinct, had me in the final 20 or so. Then it came down to Week 9, and I had a great pick.

The Jets, who had been shellacked in five of their last six games, who couldn't stop the run if they moved all 11 defenders to the line, were in San Diego, who happened to have LaDainian Tomlinson, one of the most feared running backs in the game.

Which reminds of my second rule of thumb: never, ever, under any circumstances, bet for or against the New York Jets, especially if you are a fan of the most snake-bitten franchise in all of football. And don't give me that, "oh, at least the Jets won a Super Bowl." I wasn't born yet, so all I've seen is the collapse in Cleveland, the fake spike, the mile-high dive, etc.

In the week leading up to the game against the Chargers, the Jets had been so terrible a reporter asked head coach Herman Edwards why the Jets even show up. The usually reserved Edwards nearly had an aneurysm, launching into his play to win the game speech you've seen a billion times on SportsCenter.

But again that cardinal rule. Never bet for or against the Jets. But my gut had been so right all season! Loud and clear, it was telling me to take the Chargers, the Jets stink, they have no chance! But when dealing with the Jets, logic never plays a factor.

Bam! Those green and white losers screw me again, absolutely pants the Chargers 44-13. My dreams of $9,000? Gone by the wayside. In retrospect, I really didn't deserve the money. No Jet fan deserves happiness, we all know this. I hate them. They are my MacDuff.

Okay, enough of my Jets self-loathing. New year, 2003. Time to wipe the slate clean. I look at the point spreads to see who is the biggest favorite, and low and behold, the Miami Dolphins, who are hosting the second-year franchise from Houston, are a double-digit favorite. Cha-ching!

Rule No 3. Never look at the lines when determining a suicide pick. Pure lunacy. It's a cliché, but in today's NFL, anything can happen. For as we all know, the first of the Texans five wins came in the opening week last year, in Miami. I might as well as bet against the Jets!

The best advice I can give? Trust yourself. In fact, you might want to go by the ever popular Richard Dreyfuss method from Let it Ride, in which he asks every single person at the race track which horse they like, and then selects the one nobody picked, and wins!

As for me, it's the Bears in Week 1. Why? The Rams are the obvious choice, so you can't take them. The Eagles? Granted, the Giants stink, but the Eagles aren't that good, and I don't remember the last time a free agent wide receiver made a significant change to any organization.

The bottom line is, though, who cares what I think! I am the absolute worst at picking these things! That's why I'm going with the Bears. Logic be damned, I'm going out like a champ, with one of the worst teams in the game. And when you make your pick, remember, the only advice you should heed is your own. Plus, the less you know, the better off you truly are.