Is it over yet? Can I stop cringing?
Surprisingly, there has been more than one protracted painful exhibition in the sports world this week, so I guess I better clarify.
I'm talking about the NBA's All-Star Month, which has hopefully ended by now.
What used to be a meeting of basketball's prime players in a mid-season friendly has now turned into one of the biggest spectacles in the industry.
It started as one event, but now the bill fits six. In between the half dozen acts were Kelly Clarkson, the Goo Goo Dolls, Leanne Rimes, and a host of other cross-promotion and advertising. But I sarcastically say, why stop there? I mean, really, if you are going to sellout and powder up one game into a marketing weekend, why not make it a week?
Here's my blueprint:
First off, unless the day is Saturday or Sunday, then only one basketball related event and one musical performance is needed to chain the all-star link.
Friday, there's the Rookie-Sophomore Game, which breaks the ice, but by that point, the NBA is already dropping the ball. No need to procrastinate on the WNBA cross-promotion, lead into the Got Milk? Rookie Challenge with the WNBA Got Soy Milk? Rookie-Sophomore game. What better way to serve the fans with an appetizer?
By this point, some may think that we've milked the all-star theme for all it's worth, but trust me, this cow has more milk to give.
On Thursday, the festivities will encompass the Cialis 3-on-3 Legends Tournament. What better way to invigorate Michael Jordan, Hakeem Olajuwan, Isiah Thomas, Clyde Drexler, Magic Johnson, and Karl Malone? Bring 'em all back. Make the games half-court, checks on possession, must win by two, and mic the players up. Slap American Idol finalists on the front end to sing the anthem and away you go.
Wednesday is the EA Sports NBA Street competition. After all, EA Sports does have videogames to sell, and the NBA does have money to make. But this contest is dynamic enough to connect three entities. The event for the day will be a team of "street all-stars" fielded from the NBA crop pitted against ESPN's And1 Mixtape Tour team.
From time to time, we've seen what The Professor or Spyder can pull on some other fogasies, but let's see how they stack up against Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson. Ron Artest's band, Allure, can try to sing the anthem, and hip-hop outfit will rap God Bless America at halftime. The soft mesh netting will be replaced with chain netting, and each member of the audience will receive a copy of Allure's album and earplugs.
Tuesday, we're beginning to reach, but we've only got two more days to go. This rat race will be called Out of Your Element, sponsored by Honda Element. In this bout, teams will compete for, you guessed it, a Honda element. The car will be parked at center court throughout the game, and the winning lineup gives the car to their biggest fan. Thirty-two squads, 15-minute games, two members a piece, but here's the catch: rosters are comprised of the leading beat reporter and his home team's head coach. Coaches always claim to know so much — now they can prove it. Who wouldn't want to see Jeff Van Gundy guard Don Nelson? This, of course, appeals to an older audience, which means a pop/country opening act, or Paul McCartney.
And finally, Monday. This day will not be so much basketball related as the others, but it will present a soft open to the week's festivities. It's the Overstock.com Overpaid NBA Poker Player Tournament. TNT is likely to air some brand of poker in the near future, so this will offer a natural opportunity to promote.
You could have mixed bag tables with Keith Van Horn and Dikembe Mutombo, competing against other filthy rich non-contributors, or you could have city-versus-city, such as Golden State (Adonal Foyle, Troy Murphy, and Dale Davis) against Toronto (Donyell Marshall, Jalen Rose, and Alvin Williams). Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith commentate and the winning player puts forward the money towards the relief of his team's salary cap.
And that is what I call milking the cow for all it's worth. After all, if you are going to get wet, you might as well go swimming.
Long, drawn-out materializations and all-star games mix like Mondays and me.
"If everything appears to be going well, you don't know what the hell is going on." — Anonymous
February 22, 2005
Shawndo:
Thanks for the sarcasm, Dave, but I actually would like to see something like this, except Tuesday I would suggest maybe an NBA players billiards tournament.