Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson's five-race winning streak in Charlotte ended Saturday when Kasey Kahne won the Coca-Cola 600, but Johnson did finish second in the season's longest race to extend his points lead. Johnson now leads second-place Matt Kenseth by 109 points.
"So much for my home-track advantage at Lowe's Motor Speedway," says Johnson. "But, I guess I can be happy with a second after four-and-a-half hours in race traffic. And I'm not even talking about the actual race. I'm talking about the time it takes just to get from the interstate to the track complex. Luckily, my crew chief, Chad Knaus, knows a shortcut, and it only takes us three minutes to get there."
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth kept pace in the points race with Jimmie Johnson with a fifth-place finish in Charlotte. Kenseth started sixth in the Coca-Cola 600, and qualified on the pole for last Saturday's Busch Series' Carquest Auto Parts 300.
"And guess who won that race?" asks Kenseth. "Carl Edwards, a full-time Cup Driver. Has a full-time Busch driver won a Busch race this year? No, not a chance. Of course, that's like an NFL football player returning to play college football again? Wouldn't he dominate? I would say NASCAR should do something about it, but I'm having too much fun winning Busch races."
Kenseth's seventh top-five finish of the year allows him to vault past Tony Stewart in the points standings to second. Needless to say, Stewart gave him the finger on the way by.
3. Kasey Kahne — Kahne topped off a quality weekend for Evernham Motorsports with a convincing win in Charlotte, holding off Lowe's Motor Speedway master ace Jimmie Johnson for his third win of the year. Kahne started ninth on the grid, as Evernham teammates Scott Riggs and Jeremy Mayfield consolidated the front row.
"Luckily," says Kahne, "we had the opportunity to make several adjustments to the car. Which is what one would expect with cars that only hold thirteen gallons of fuel. I think I drove 300 of the 600 miles on pit road alone. Doesn't NASCAR know we need fewer pit stops, not more? What's next? The NASCAR Hummer division series with a five gallon fuel cell and a pit stop every lap?"
With his third win of the year, Kahne moves up two spots in the points to sixth, and trails Johnson by 292 points.
4. Tony Stewart — A nightmarish weekend for Stewart culminated on Sunday with a fractured right shoulder blade, suffered when he slammed the wall on lap 32 of Sunday's Coca Cola 600. On Saturday, Stewart bounced off the wall just nine laps in to the Busch series race. For the weekend, Stewart completed about 40 out of 600 possible laps in Charlotte, and he falls to 231 points behind Johnson after trailing him by only 93 entering Charlotte.
"Yes, the medical reports are correct," says Stewart. "I fractured my right shoulder blade, which just happens to be my middle finger-giving side. I guess I won't be climbing any fences in the near future, but with the proper rehab, I should be back to my usual ornery self in no time. Since no other cars were involved in either accident, I'm blaming the wall. See me in a week, and I'll tell you that me and the wall have talked and put this thing behind us."
Ricky Rudd will qualify the No. 20 Joe Gibbs Chevrolet this week in Dover, and will serve as relief driver should Stewart be unable to complete Sunday's race.
5. Mark Martin — Martin's fourth-place finish in Charlotte propels him up a notch in the points, where he is currently third, 209 behind Jimmie Johnson. Martin was part of a dominant Roush Racing conglomerate, as all five drivers finished in the top 10, led by Carl Edwards' third.
"It was a dominant performance, all right," says Martin. "All of the drivers in the Roush stable are capable of dominating, but I stand alone in one area: rapping ability. You might not know this, but I suffered several gunshot wounds as a teenager growing up on the raw streets of Batesville, Arkansas. When I'm done racing, I plan to start my own rap label to rival Murder, Inc. and Death Row. I'll call it 'Engine Block 6 Records.'"
6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt finished just out of the top 10, in 11th, for a solid effort in Charlotte. He holds on to fifth in the Nextel Cup standings, 271 points out of first.
"Not too shabby for 600 miles of driving," says Earnhardt. "Usually, when I drive 600 miles, I like to end up at a beach. Hey, did you see me on ESPN's SportsCentury? That was quite an honor. I think ESPN is producing a segment for Michael Waltrip. Of course, he's paying them to do so."
7. Kyle Busch — Busch's day in Charlotte ended on lap 313 when the No. 5 Hendrick Monte Carlo was terminally damaged in a crash triggered by a Casey Mears spin. Busch, with questions about his temper apparently furthest from his mind, then tossed his HANS device at Mears and the No. 42 Dodge. Incidentally, the HANS device caused no damage to Mears' car.
"Let me just say that I regret my actions," says Busch. "I should not do something as foolish as throw a safety device with the intention of causing damage. I should have thrown my helmet or a rock or a tire iron, maybe. Who in their right mind uses a safety device as a weapon? What was I thinking? Was I playing the NASCAR version of the 'Clue' board game. Kyle Busch with the HANS device at Charlotte. I guess that's like throwing a band-aid at someone you're trying to hurt."
On Wednesday, Busch was fined $50,000 and docked 25 driver points for his actions. As a result, Busch falls three places to 10th in the points, and is 449 out of first. Asked to comment on the penalties, an angry Busch didn't throw anything, but did pitch a hissy fit.
8. Jeff Gordon — Gordon suffered a right-front suspension failure on lap 360, ending his top-10 aspirations prematurely. His finish of 36th dropped him to seventh in the points, 410 behind his teammate Jimmie Johnson.
"Sure, this hurts," says Gordon. "You always want to be inside that 400-point window. But, as long as we remain in the top 10 in points, we'll qualify for the Chase. You know, things could be worse. I could be a female driver working for Richard Petty. I guess the King's not too impressed by queens."
9. Kevin Harvick — Harvick, driving the No. 29 Reese's Chevrolet, made contact with the No. 38 M&M's Ford, producing a delicious mix of chocolate and peanut butter. Actually, Harvick's car limped to the garage with about 120 laps remaining to replace his transmission. He returned to the track, but could only manage to finish 34th, 27 laps down.
"Look what happens when we take the 'GM Goodwrench' logo off of the car," complains Harvick. "The transmission falls to Reese's pieces. We can't win the Nextel Cup with things like that happening, but we can, however, sell quite a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups."
Harvick has two consecutive 34th-or-worse finishes, and tumbles to 10th in the points, 435 out of first.
10. Greg Biffle — Biffle finished seventh at Charlotte, continuing his charge up the Nextel Cup points standings. Biffle has scored three top-10 finishes in a row and is now 13th in the points, 521 out of the lead.
"I'm charging like Paris Hilton on crack with a new Visa," says Biffle. "Unlike her, I have an ounce or more of measurable talent. Actually, she is talented in her own right. If being a skeezer is a form of talent, then she may be the most talented human of all-time. Just a thought. I bet you could really irritate Richard Petty if you put Paris Hilton in a race car."
Leave a Comment