Thankfully, Alonzo Mourning has never complained, as Latrell Sprewell once did, that he doesn't make enough money to feed his family.
With a one-year contract worth just over $1 million from the Miami Heat, Mourning instead paints himself as the portrait of a win-hungry veteran sacrificing cash for the cause. He's said all along the only reason he's playing is for an NBA championship.
Luckily for 'Zo, the Toronto Raptors are still paying him anyway, and while they're nowhere near the NBA Finals, their $4 million for this year (and the $4 mil for next) should put plenty of chopped sirloin on the table for any little 'Zos and, of course, the Zoette.
So, on the surface, it looks like a perfect plan. There's only one problem: Mourning will need the better part of that absurd and undeserved endowment for a future purchase, since the only way he's getting a ring is if he wins an eBay auction.
Mark Cuban may well be one of the most detestable figures in professional sports (unless you're a Dallas fan), but even though you could accuse the Mavs owner of trying to buy a ring in his own way, at least none of his players think they're worthy of being paid twice. Okay, well, at least none of them are actually being paid twice.
Thankfully, it appears less and less likely 'Zo will be getting his desired hardware, proving sometimes there can be justice, even when it comes to millionaires.
Of course, it's not that dire for the big man from Georgetown. I'm sure that if 'Zo asks really nicely, Shaq or Pat Riley (his personal super fan) will let him wear one of theirs. Maybe he could even borrow it for a night or two and hit the Jack in the Box drive-thru shining out the window of his Escalade.
But how long could that be fun?
No, that won't work at all. Despite the Heat's obvious abilities and the considerable feat of beating Detroit in five games, Dallas seems to have no intention of losing this uninspired edition of the NBA Finals, so Mourning's going to have to come up with Plan B for a long-term solution.
Trying to blackmail Kobe Bryant might work, because we certainly know he likes to keep people quiet by giving them rings. But then again what could you possibly blackmail him with at this point?
Playing poker with Michael Jordan could also prove fruitful, but only if you can rack up enough debts that he can't just cut a check. And really, how much time does 'Zo have?
Maybe the best bet is just to wait until Bill Russell nods off one day in the stands and then slide one off his fingers. Oh, come on ... like he's going to notice. Ah, but that's just dishonest, and if you can't win one legitimately, you should at least come by it honestly.
So, Alonzo, I guess the only way for you to get the shine is to spend the cash. Yeah, I know it's a lot of money, but hey, if you can't afford it all on your own, you could always go halves with Karl Malone.
I hear he's been hunting for a while.
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