Wednesday, July 5, 2006
NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 17
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson nearly lost his points lead with a 32nd-place finish at Daytona, due to a crash on lap 142. Johnson was battling between the No. 43 car of Bobby Labonte and Kurt Busch's No. 2 when he got loose, lost control, and pinned the No. 43 to the wall. Johnson's 93-point lead is now down to a mere eight.
"My apologies to Bobby Labonte," says Johnson. "I saw the No. 43 car and expected to see the 'STP' logo on the hood. Much to my surprise, I saw the 'Cheerios' cereal logo instead. Can you imagine 'The King,' Richard Petty, driving a car with 'Cheerios' on it? I can't, either. The shock of it all caused me to lose control. Chalk it up to a racing incident."
"And when I push Jimmie off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic," replies Labonte, "you can chalk it up as a 'walking incident.''
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth's fifth-pace finish, coupled with Jimmie Johnson's troubles, left him only eight points out of the points lead. Kenseth overcame a potentially-troublesome pit road bump-up with Dave Blaney's No. 22 car, and avoided accidents that plagued his teammates.
"The secret to restrictor-plate racing," says Kenseth, "is having your accidents on pit road at 20 miles per hour instead of on the track at 180. And steering clear of runaway beachballs on the track doesn't hurt, either. Do you know the damage a beachball can do to a car traveling at 180 mph? Absolutely none. What's the deal? Doesn't NASCAR have enough reasons already to fly a caution flag? What's next? Caution flags for a swarm of gnats?"
3. Tony Stewart — Stewart captured his second consecutive Pepsi 400 with a late pass of pole sitter Boris Said and held on to win under caution for his second win of the year. Stewart then performed his familiar victory routine of climbing the catch-fence, but this time added a twist: climbing down the other side into a sea of adoring fans.
"Man, I thought I stunk after a race," says Stewart. "Those fans are rank, and I think there's a few pickpockets in the bunch. But it was cool to have a few bras thrown at me. I felt like Elvis out there. I just hope those bras were worn by women. This is NASCAR, after all. Fans tend to be a little chubby, as well as drivers, for that matter. Anyway, for my next victory, I plan on doing a stage dive from atop the flag stand. Hopefully, there will be fans brave and/or foolish enough to catch me. But let's not discount Boris Said's performance. And I'm not talking about his driving; I'm impressed that he can get a helmet over all that hair."
With the victory, Stewart advances two spots in the points to fifth, where he is 299 out of first.
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt's fortunes at Daytona were much better in his Busch car, which dominated Friday's Winn-Dixie 250. Earnhardt led 88 of 103 laps en route to a commanding victory. In Saturday's Pepsi 400, starting 35th, the No. 8 Budweiser led eight laps and finished thirteenth. Still, Earnhardt moved up two spots to third in the points, 267 out of first.
"I guess Dale Earnhardt, Incorporated in no longer the king of the restrictor plate race," says Earnhardt, "but Budweiser is still King of Beers, and Michael Waltrip is still the clown prince of NASCAR. I enjoy watching Michael every week on Speed Channel's Nextel Cup Live. Not necessarily to hear what he says, but to see what type of open-toed footwear he'll be wearing."
5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne followed his 31st-place finish at Sonoma with a 25th at Daytona, which cooled off NASCAR's hottest driver after two wins and two sevenths in his previous four races. Kahne is now fourth in the points, 292 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"I lead the Nextel Cup series in wins, poles, and number of teeny-bopper fans," says Kahne, rubbing his chin while contemplating when he'll be able to shave. "And I lead quite handily in all those categories. And since Brian Vickers is leaving the No. 25 car, it would make perfect sense for my No. 9 car to have that Garnier Fructis hair product sponsorship."
6. Kyle Busch — Busch chased Tony Stewart across the line to finish second at Daytona, and brother Kurt followed to make it a 2-3 Busch finish. Kurt was then issued a traffic citation by local Daytona police for following too closely. An enraged Kyle then tossed his HANS device at the officer, then left in a huff, spinning his tires. He was subsequently ticketed with a wreckless driving violation. When all was said and done, Kyle improved four places in the points standings, and now sits in eighth, 406 out of first.
"In all of NASCAR's glamorous history," explains Kyle, "no other brother combination, not the Allison's, not the Burton's, not even the Bodine's, have ever finished a race back-to-back, although Dick Trickle and his brother Pete finished 39th and 41st in the 1992 Duke's Mayonnaise 400 in North Wilkesboro."
7. Jeff Burton — Burton blew a tire in Thursday's Happy Hour session and wrecked his primary car, requiring him to resort to his backup for qualifying and Saturday's race. With set-up time limited, he could only manage to qualify the No. 31 Cingular car 39th, but with 400 miles on Saturday night to work out the kinks, Burton brought home a 15th-place finish.
"I'm still searching for that elusive win," says Burton. "Unfortunately, I didn't get it, but I was inspired by the presence of Vice President Dick Cheney. His never-ending quest to find those weapons of mass destruction has brought him to Daytona. I think NASCAR wanted VP Cheney to wave the green flag to start the race. He politely declined under the mistaken assumption that the starter begins the race with a starter's pistol, like in track and field races. The last time Cheney handled a gun, someone got shot in the face."
8. Mark Martin — Martin was collected in a late crash triggered by teammate Greg Biffle when Biffle's No. 16 car was upset by turbulent air. Biffle came down into JJ Yeley, and Martin slammed Biffle while Yeley wiped out Jeff Gordon. Martin eventually limped home in 33rd and fell two spots in the points to sixth, 324 out of the lead.
"It certainly was a disappointment to get caught up in a wreck when a top-10 was a sure thing," says Martin. "And it's even more upsetting that Greg Biffle was responsible for wrecking half of the Roush Racing squad. But all of that disappointment is tempered by the news that female rap impresario Lil' Kim is getting her freedom after a year in the slammer. As a fellow rapper, it does my heart good to know that skeezer can get her life back. Now, maybe we can do that duet she's been promising me. I think we'll call it 'Your Bump Draft Makes My Heart Race.'"
9. Kevin Harvick — After a poor qualifying effort of 32nd, Harvick charged to a ninth-place finish in the Pepsi 400, giving him two top-10 results for the weekend. On Friday night, Harvick finished third in the Busch Series Winn-Dixie 250, and increased his points lead to 388 over Carl Edwards. In the Nextel Cup standings, Harvick is in ninth, 413 out of first.
"At this rate," says Harvick, "I should be able to concentrate solely on the final ten races of the Nextel season. I should have the Busch title cliched by then. And since 1995 Formula 1 champion Jacques Villeneuve might be coming to NASCAR, I might just decide to take his place in Formula 1. That's exactly what F1 needs: an American hard-ass."
10. (tie) Jeff Gordon/Greg Biffle — Gordon followed his best finish of the year, a win at Sonoma, with his worst, a 40th at Daytona. Not that it was his fault. Gordon was primed for a run for the checkered flag when he was victimized in a crash started when Greg Biffle bumped JJ Yeley into Gordon. Gordon's No. 24 Chevrolet suffered inoperable damage, and he was done. Biffle was able to continue, and finished 31st. Both drivers dropped out of the top 10 in points. Biffle is now 11th and Gordon is 12th.
"Biffle must have seen the 'Superman' logo on my hood," says Gordon, "and assumed that my car could survive being slammed into the wall, much like Superman himself can survive bullets to the chest. He was wrong."