Thursday, September 7, 2006
NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 2)
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
N.Y. Jets @ Tennessee
With Steve McNair off to Baltimore, and rookie Vince Young not ready to take over, the Titans were left in quite a pickle as far as quarterbacking duties were concerned.
"Quite a pickle, you say?" says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "That gives me a great idea. Why don't we sign free agent quarterback Kerry Collins, who often enjoys being 'pickled' in addition to uttering the occasional offensive slur to a teammate? This is a great fit for him — all we had to do to convince him was to tell him that Tennessee is the home of the Jack Daniels' distillery."
It all was a sobering thought for Titans' quarterback Billy Volek, who expected to start but now finds himself the third-stringer. Too bad he doesn't play for the Jets — third-string in New York means lots of playing time once Chad Pennington's shoulder falls out of socket and the second-stringer plays like garbage.
The Jets begin a new era, the Eric Mangini era. Mangini comes over from New England, where he was a Bill Belichick disciple. So he shares Belichick's no nonsense approach, as well as his no-nonsense manner of dress. But give Mangini a year, or five, and the Jets will be on the winning trail. This is a rebuilding year; Habitat For Humanity is supposedly contributing to the cause.
The Jets were 0-8 on the road last year — they go to 0-1 this year. Kerry Collins throws two touchdown passes, then replenishes his depleted electrolytes with a cup of Gatorade, shaken, not stirred.
Titans win, 21-14.
Philadelphia @ Houston
The Texans made a bold decision to draft defensive end Mario Williams ahead of running back Reggie Bush. While many experts were skeptical of the choice, new Texans head coach Gary Kubiak defended the team's decision.
"It's not like the University of Southern California is some kind of tailback factory," explains Kubiak. "Is it?"
Well, they do call it "Tailback U." But, as long as the Texans are comfortable with the decision, then I can't fault you. Houston does have a sterling record when it comes to number one picks. How's that David Carr fellow working out?
In Philadelphia, quarterback Donovan McNabb began his "Take Back The Locker Room" campaign by burning a Terrell Owens jersey and moonwalking over the ashes.
"No hard feelings," says McNabb. "Ah, to heck with being nice. I hate T.O.'s guts. He was nothing but a thorn in my side, except when he was catching TD passes. Damn him! The Cowboys aren't at home this week, are they? Because if I'm in Houston and he's in Dallas, then he's too close to me."
Fear not, Donovan. T.O.'s in Jacksonville, so the worst that can happen is your planes cross paths. But if the sky is clear, give Owens the finger. He might be able to see it.
McNabb hits Michael Westbrook for a touchdown, and rushes for a score. McNabb then send Owens a bouquet of tofu with a note that says, 'See if you can figure this one out, chump.'
Eagles win, 21-10.
Seattle @ Detroit
The Seahawks return to the site of their Super Bowl last year, where they lost 24-14 to Pittsburgh, and 4-0 to the Super Bowl officials.
"I now realize that we'd been had," says Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren. "Those weren't real NFL referees. They were Foot Locker salesman. Of course I think they made some terrible calls, but I did get me a nice pair of Air Jordans."
Good for you, Mike. Things could be worse. You could be the coach of the Lions, and be forced to make the decision of cutting one of your recent number one picks, wide receivers Charles Rogers.
"It was an easy decision to make," says new Detroit head coach Rod Marinelli. "Charles is a waste of talent. Just another blown No. 1 pick made by our illustrious general manager Matt Millen. In Matt's defense, he did sign Mike Martz in the offseason. I foresee some problems with that arrangement. I don't think Matt's told Mike that he's not the head coach."
The Seahawks begin defense of their NFC championship with a 23-16 win over the Lions.
Chicago @ Green Bay
What brought Brett Favre back for one more year of football in Green Bay? Why, surrrounding him with the most talented team with which he's ever been associated.
"I say this with a straight face," says Favre, wearing a ski mask. "This is the most talented team I've ever been around."
"Gosh, Brett," replies teammate Ahman Green, filling out the paperwork to pre-certify himself for the inevitable trip to injured reserve, "you must have played with some really crappy teams."
Seriously, Brett, are we supposed to believe your claim?
"Yeah, and Milwaukee's Best truly is the best beer made," adds Favre.
I guess Favre's future in this league isn't as a talent scout.
Coach Lovie Smith's Bears remain one of the league's most formidable defenses. It's offense where the Bears have issues.
"Honestly," says Smith, "this is the most talented offense I've seen since, since, ah, well, since the famous Green Bay offense of 2006. Those guys are loaded. It's going to take everything our defense has to stop that juggernaut."
The tundra in Green Bay isn't frozen — it's actually quite soft this time of year. About as soft as some warm, Wisconsin cheese, or the Packers' offense. The Bears' defense holds the Packers in check; they have to, otherwise they'd lose. Robbie Gould kicks four field goals, and Chicago wins, 19-9.
Dallas @ Jacksonville
Obviously, the most celebrated, albeit controversial free-agent signing of the year was Dallas' inking of Terrell Owens to a three-year, $25-million contract.
"It's an incentive-laden contract," says Cowboy ball-buster Bill Parcells. "If T.O. causes any trouble, I have the incentive to kick his tail. And I'm not afraid to do it. I demand effort and respect. Just look at Terry Glenn. Terry had problems in New England, but look at her now."
Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio, a linebacker in his playing days with the Saints, Chiefs, Cowboys, and Vikings, was the type of player Bill Parcells loves: hard-nosed, tough, vocal, always giving 110%.
"Yeah, just like Lawrence Taylor," says Parcells, "but without the cocaine, the affinity for strippers, the lightning bolt earring, and, oh yeah, the talent."
Anyway, Del Rio and his Jags are intent on proving that last year was a fluke: they aren't the worst 12-4 in NFL history.
"Last year, we beat both Super Bowl teams, Seattle and Pittsburgh," boasts Del Rio. "So, we've set that as our goal this year; to beat both Super Bowl teams."
Great, Jack. Do you know that means you won't be in the Super Bowl?
Will Terrell Owens start in this one? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Of course he will, if Dallas wants to win. Rest assured that Owens is at the top of the list on the Jags' game plan. But Drew Bledsoe is also on that list, and he moves much slower than Owens.
Jacksonville forces two Bledsoe turnovers, and Josh Scobee kicks a late field goal to give the Jags a 17-14 win.
San Francisco @ Arizona
Optimism is high in the desert. The signing of free agent running back Edgerrin James has given fans proof that management is committed to winning. The Cards will open the season in a brand new facility, and rookie quarterback Matt Leinart is signed and ready to go in case Kurt Warner gets hurt.
"I realize I was the last of the first round picks to sign," says Leinart. "I'm not greedy — I just wanted to make sure I was compensated fairly. For that, I have to thank the man that brokered the deal, Chinese super-agent Cha Ching. Sure, Drew Rosenhaus may have the Burger King, but Cha Ching's got me. And I can't wait to play in the Pink Taco."
"Hey, whatever they call their stadium," says San Francisco head coach Mike Nolan, "whether it be the Pink Taco or the Red Snapper, we don't care. I'm just glad the game is in Arizona. The last time we played the Cardinals on the road, I ended up in Mexico City with a terrible hangover."
San Fran second-year quarterback Alex Smith will look to improve on his performance. In fact, with two TD passes against the Cardinals, he would eclipse his total of one (1) from last year.
Arizona certainly has an edge at the offensive skill positions, with Warner, James, and their wide receiving dynamic duo of Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald.
That, and the privilege of playing in the Pink Taco carry the Cardinals to a 24-18 win.
Indianapolis @ N.Y. Giants
Since the NFL announced the 2006 schedule back in April, fans have been bristling with excitement about the first NFL matchup between the Manning brothers, Peyton and Eli. But few fans have considered the dilemma facing the parents of the two, Archie and Olivia Manning. Who will they pull for, Peyton or Eli?
"Actually, we're not even going to the game," says Archie. "We've devoted the last 30 years of our lives watching those punks play football. Frankly, we're sick of it. Besides, Peyton and Eli can't even behave themselves on a tour of ESPN studios. Why should we do what they want?"
The Colts/Giants matchup will be the first of NBC's Sunday Night Football package, with Dick Enberg and Merlin Olsen set to call the action, with Don Criqui roving the sidelines. What's that? Al Michaels and John Madden are calling this game? Oh my! That's too bad.
Anyway, the Colts and Giants both exited the playoffs last year with home losses in the divisional round. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. I just thought you might like a reminder. But, seriously, Peyton will give little brother Eli a lesson in football, much like he has before, several times, except for that time in 1988, when Eli threw 10 balls through the swinging tire to Peyton's nine.
Peyton throws three touchdown passes, and the Colts stampede with a 29-24 win.
Minnesota @ Washington
Just because Vikings players have been banned from any and all boating activities doesn't mean that they are free from indiscretions. Take, for example, Vikings cornerback Dwight Smith, who just recently was charged with a misdemeanor for indecent conduct in a stairwell with a 24 year-old woman.
"Now, I've got to defend my player here," says new Vikings head coach Brad Childress. "Anything done in a stairwell should be indecent. Dwight's a good man. He doesn't have a history of violence; he was just looking for a little privacy so he could get his groove on with a hottie. It's not like he was on the upper deck of the Good Ship Lollipop with a bunch of skeezers for hire for all the world to see. Anyway, our team policy states that if the incident didn't involve Fred Smoot, then it's okay."
Joe Gibbs and company may be without running back Clinton Portis, who injured his shoulder while making a tackle in a preseason game.
"Yeah, I know," laments Gibbs. "Clinton shouldn't have even been out there, much less making a tackle. But did you see that tackle? He sidewalk slammed that guy! I think he was number one on the preseason 'Jacked Up!' list. And speaking of 'Jacked Up,' you should be able to enjoy Week 1's biggest hits on the ESPN pre-game show when four grown men, and Stuart Scott, yell 'Jacked Up!' as loud as possible. The Vikings? Oh, the Vikings. I'll tell you, that Brad Childress sure does have a cool mustache. Did he play the bartender on Gunsmoke?"
As always, Gibbs is prepared. Running back T.J. Duckett slams in a short touchdown run, and the 'Skins win a 16-13 slugfest.
San Diego @ Oakland
"Well, well, well," says Randy Moss over the airwaves of station WAAQ (The Wack) as his ham radio alter-ego 'DJ Madd Skillz,' "it looks like there's another wide receiver named 'Moss' in the league. Apparently, he's a Mexican, because his name is Senor Rice Moss, and he plays for the New York Giants."
Uh, Randy, his name is Sinorice Moss, and he's not a Mexican.
San Diego let Drew Brees go to free agency in the hopes that Philip Rivers was ready to take over at quarterback. Rivers may be the finest quarterback to come out of North Carolina State since Roman Gabriel. In fact, he may be the only quarterback to come out of N.C. State since Roman Gabriel. Rivers' quick release has been compared to that of Miami great Dan Marino.
"You can stop the comparisons right there," says Marino, relaxing on his yacht with Crockett and Tubbs, his two Labrador retrievers. "When he throws for 5,000 yards in a season, come talk to me."
Okay, Dan, see you in, well, I guess never.
Moss scores on a long pass from Aaron Brooks, but LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates are too much for the Raiders to handle. Each scores a TD, and the Chargers win, 27-23.