Remember when we were little, we'd put two bugs in a jar and watch them fight to the death? Or remember the time we learned baking soda and vinegar causes an awesome explosion? Or better yet, have you ever put two beta fish in the same tank? It's like aqua cock fighting.
We have a fascination with volatile things — or at least I do. So, naturally, I'm going to assemble the most volatile starting five in the league. This team is going to cause trouble on the court, meaning they aren't going to be committing felonies any time soon. Every press conference is going to be glorious. Every interview will be "colorful," as the media folks like to call it. And every game will have technical fouls sprinkled in among the selfish drives to the basket, outrageous passes into the ninth row, and passes off the backboard to themselves.
But the players cannot be a disturbance to the community. They can only be a disturbance to their team. So that means no empty Grey Goose bottles piled on the passenger seat, no magic mushroom busts, and no beating up the random guy at the bar who drunkenly stumbled on you. But then again, if they slip here and then, we'll let it go.
RASHEED WALLACE
This team will be built around the player who inspired this team. The 'Sheedman himself, Rasheed Wallace. Each year, Wallace leads the league in technical fouls. This year, he already has 16 — seven more than any other player in the league. Not only is he great in the community, but he says his share of quotables ("We don't see ourselves as four all-stars. We see ourselves as one unit. It's like five fingers on a hand. You can do more damage together as a fist than spread out flat.")
BOB SURA
Joining Wallace is none other than Bob Sura. Now, you might be wondering why I put Sura on here. Well, here's the thing: how many players do you know that will shoot on the opposing basket in order to get an additional rebound for the stat book? Granted, that additional rebound gave him a triple-double, but this has to be applauded in some fashion. Not only was Sura shameless enough to pull the stunt, but he was smart enough to think of it in the first place.
RICKY DAVIS
Next on the list is Ricky Davis. The two-guard is known for his facial hair and his knack for attempting the spectacular. Note the word "attempting." Three years ago, Davis attempted a between-the-legs dunk against the Lakers. Yes, he missed. But he got the ball back and he softly put the ball off the backboard and into the basket — right? Nope. Not Ricky Davis. Instead, he decided to attempt a standstill windmill as defenders chased him down from behind. It rattled in.
Oh, and guess who took a page out of Sura's book and missed a shot on purpose to complete a triple double? You guessed it — the one and only Ricky Davis. Against the Utah Jazz, Davis clanked one off the bottom of the opposing hoop as Randy Livingston was guarding him. As Davis dribbled up the court, Livingston just shoved him toward the sideline. Thank you, Randy.
SAM CASSELL
When you think of whiny players, who do you think of? Most people don't have a name in mind, but they have a face. Sam Cassell. He whines and whines and whines to the refs. He does get fouled often, but that may be due to the fact that he has the ball 90 percent of the time he's on the court — and that's according to him.
"It affects me a little bit because I'm used to having the ball 90 percent of the time on the court," he said. And because he likes having the ball so much, he has even studied the times in which he can get his hands on the thing: "Lots of guys don't want the ball in the fourth quarter in the last three minutes of the game. I think that is the easiest time of the game to get the ball. So I try and get the ball and do the things I can do." Strangely, Cassell bears a resemblance to Gollum from "Lord of the Rings" — "Oh precious, oh precious."
Now, you're probably thinking the last player on this team is going to be Ron Artest. Well, you're sadly mistaken. Artest isn't exactly peaceful within the community. Not only does Artest run up into the stands and attack fans (who probably deserve it), but he pollutes the air with his rap album — not good for the community.
GILBERT ARENAS
When Arenas was criticized for shooting too much, he would come out the next game and not shoot at all. Then the following game, he'd shoot the ball as many times as he did before. The kicker here is that he'd make those shots. And so the legend of Gilbert Arenas is born.
Three years ago, he tried to trade his shoes and his jersey for a box of All-Star Game ballots — so he could vote himself in. Sometimes, he comes out wearing a boxing robe during the player introductions. Oh, and last month, he told a reporter he'd probably score 84 or 85 points on Duke if he played against them — because Coach K cut him from the national squad. During half-time, he plays online poker. During road trips, he sits in his room and orders from infomercials. And he wears No. 0 because that's how many minutes his high school coach told him he would play on the collegiate level.
Luckily for all of us, he makes it bearable by donating $100 to charity for every point he scores. And he seems like a fun-loving guy.
Nevertheless, put these guys on the same court and watch it explode. And despite all the criticism this team would get, tell me you wouldn't have fun watching these guys play. In a way, I feel like they would mesh well. But then again, I thought those two beta fish would get along, too.
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