NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 7

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Washington (-7)

Arizona quarterbacks Matt Leinart and Kurt Warner have gone down to injury in consecutive weeks. Two weeks ago, Leinart broke his collarbone on a sack; last week, Warner went down with an elbow injury when he was sacked by Julius Peppers.

"Matt's no stranger to crippling blows," says Ken Whisenhunt. "Sadly, there isn't a condom made that can protect you from a broken collarbone. Which is surprising, because they do make condoms that protect you from Paris Hilton. Kurt is devastated by his injury. It's on his right arm, which is not only his throwing arm, but also his bible-thumping arm. There was a bumper sticker on Kurt's car that turned out to be quite prescient. It said 'Jesus is coming ... on a safety blitz.' So, as you can see, our Cards are on the table, the examination table, and with Tim Rattay as our new starter, we'll read 'em and weep."

The Redskins lost 17-14 in Green Bay, a game in which Washington led 14-7 at the half. Santana Moss fumbled on a reverse, which the Packers returned for a touchdown, and Moss then benched himself.

"I knew my new 'free substitution' policy would be a hit with our players," says Joe Gibbs. "It's a good thing I didn't employ that when John Riggins was around. Otherwise, he would have stayed drunk all the time. Anyway, I don't consider Santana a quitter. I consider him a pioneer. If all players would take themselves out when sucking, half the NFC wouldn't have enough players to field a team."

Sunday's loss in Green Bay was crucial for the Redskins. Not only did they lose a game they should have won, they also lost a conference game. In the NFC, where every playoff spot could be decided by some sort of tiebreaker, that loss could come back to bite them in their tailfeathers. The 'Skins will be fired up, and can you really see Tim Rattay winning in Washington? Just in case, the Cards went out and signed Tim Hasselbeck. He ain't heavy, he's Matt's brother. Moss announces his retirement at half-time, but unretires in the fourth quarter, then scores on a trick play designed specifically for him called the "Skin Flicker." Gibbs then tells Moss to "make like a lumberjack on a flume and ride the pine." Washington wins, 27-13.

Atlanta @ New Orleans (-9)

The Saints found the win column, whipping the Seahawks and finally playing like the team that made it to the NFC championship last year. Drew Brees found his stroke, with two touchdown passes, and Reggie Bush proved he can carry the load, not only for his sponging relatives, but also for the Saints. Now the Saints host the Falcons, a battle of one-win teams at the bottom of the NFC's pecking order.

"That's the beauty of the NFL," says Bobby Petrino, looking at a quarterback depth chart that starts at No. 4. "The pecking order is reversed come draft time. We'll battle our way to the first pick in next year's draft, where we'll snatch my Louisville protege Brian Brohm. Then we'll do something unprecedented in Falcons' history: we'll give Brohm a thorough background search and polygraph test before we offer him a 'Blank' check, also known as a huge contract you'd only like to give to a quarterback you expect to stay clean and out of trouble for seven to eight years. If we dig up any dirt on Brohm and find any dog carcasses in that dirt, then the deal is off. But he's such a talented quarterback, we might have to call in Winston Wolf to clean up the mess. He solves problems."

Even at 1-4, the Saints aren't out of the NFC South hunt just yet. Let's just say they have two, three at the most, losses to spare the rest of the way. If one of those comes to the Falcons, then that would give them an 0-3 division record, and no chance at the playoffs. So, you can see the sense of urgency for the Saints. Here's a thought, Sean Payton. Since it's obvious you need to ride the talents of Bush to wherever it may take you, why not send the speedster on some deep routes? Sure, I know Reggie can make defenders miss on a screen pass, but he has to make five or six guys miss in order to score. Send him deep, and he only has to beat one or two guys, and it's easier to beat a defender when you don't have the ball, right?

New Orleans wins, 30-13.

Baltimore @ Buffalo (+3)

The Bills spent their bye week reviewing the tape of the Dallas game, which they all rated with a "thumbs down" and felt the ending kind of sucked, although the plot was great.

"Plus, there was no nudity," says Marshawn Lynch. "And where was the narration by Morgan Freeman? Is there a movie made about the Bills that has a happy ending?"

Yeah. Remember The Naked Gun, when O.J. Simpson was shot 40 times? Hey, nice beaver.

"Thanks, I just had it stuffed," says Lynch, retrieving a taxidermied rodent from the top shelf, a gift from Oregon State alum and teammate, linebacker Keith Ellison. "But how is that a happy ending? O.J. survived."

The Ravens slaughtered the Rams 22-3 to move to 4-2, second in the division, but still without a division win. Matt Stover kicked five field goals and Kyle Boller threw for a pedestrian 184 yards.

"Five field goals? Sweet!" says Brian Billick. "That's what I call kicking our offense into high gear. Look, the division wins will come. We still play the Bengals once more. And right now, Stover is our MVP and highest-scoring player. Yeah, I know the kickers of the real AFC powers kick extra points as often as we kick field goals, but heck, field goals are worth three points. Extra points? A measly one point. I know our offense suffers from 'V.D.' 'Vertical Dysfunction.' But there's loads of drugs on the market for that, plus a bunch of scams advertised on Spike TV that supposedly cure it. Anyway, we keep a fluffer on call 24 hours a day who is still trying to convince me that pass routes can be run for more than 15 yards. Right now, our offense is geared towards one goal: centering the ball between the hash marks."

Billick opens up the offense, which simply means Stover will be kicking shorter field goals. Former disgruntled Bill Willis McGahee is given a hero's welcome in his return to Buffalo, as the city offers him its key, to the man-eating tiger cage at the Buffalo Zoo. McGahee scores on a short run set up by a turnover, and Stover kicks four chip shots. Baltimore wins, 23-12.

Minnesota @ Dallas (-9 1/2)

To find an explanation for Dallas' 48-27 drubbing at the hands of New England, look no further than the album titles of Texas heavy metal pioneers Pantera. Like the punishing throb of the Pantera rhythm section, the Patriots pounded Dallas with a "vulgar display of power," and, Dallas, outgained by 165 yards and hampered by 12 penalties, played like "cowboys from hell." Even former Cowboy "Dimebag" Daryl Johnston was critical of Dallas' play.

"They're broken," says Johnson, who fronts his own cover-glam-hair-thrash-speed metal outfit called 'Man of Troy.' "But they can recover from this. Nothing cures a blowout loss to an AFC powerhouse like a home game against a run-of-the-mill NFC semi-cupcake. But they can't take the Vikings lightly. Stopping rookie sensation Adrian Peterson will be a test for the Cowboys. I didn't think anything could pump up the Vikes more than a sex cruise, but apparently, a locker room fist fight is just what they needed."

Exactly. Chester Taylor and Erasmus James slugged it out after practice, and former Minnesota coach Mike Tice manned the ticket window. The Vikes are no longer motivated by 'nautical naughtiness.' Now, the word 'naval' simply means 'where your eyes should be during a lap dance.' They know they have a top-notch running game as well as the NFL's second-best rushing defense. Both facets will have to be clicking for the Vikes to beat Dallas. The Vikes rush defense is so good that it works against them. It forces teams to pass, and Minnesota doesn't defend that very well. Unfortunately, Dallas passes very well. Tony Romo throws for three scores, and the Cowboys rebound with a 30-21 win.

New England @ Miami (+16 1/2)

The Patriots are 6-0, the Dolphins are 0-6, and the members of the 1972 Miami team are sweating in their polyester slacks and corduroy blazers with leather elbow patches, and their yearly ritual of blatantly pulling against a team equaling their accomplishment has begun. But the odds of these Dolphins pulling a monumental upset and shocking the Patriots are slim, but what the heck, it's a good reason for Larry Csonka, Garo Yepremian, Nick Buoniconti, and their fellow old timers to chill some champagne which they won't be drinking on Sunday.

"Hey, we don't take anyone lightly," says Tom Brady, who doesn't wax poetic, but does wax Brazilian. "It's fitting that we go through the Dolphins to remain undefeated, but ironically, the fact that Miami, like the rest of the AFC East, flat out sucks, will be the reason we'll start resting our starters in, oh say, Week 12. We'll lose a meaningless game somewhere along the way, but we'll win a fourth Super Bowl. And honestly, I'd rather have four Super Bowl victories than one undefeated season that I fret over every year. I'm going to do something those 1972 Dolphins should do: not worry about anyone else."

Miami's defense, which has given up 182 points in six games, second-worst in the league, won't be able to stop the Patriots assault. And, offensively, Cleo Lemon won't pass and run for four touchdowns, which he did against Cleveland, who has the only scoring defense worse than the Dolphins.

"If life, or a Trent Green concussion, gives you lemons," says Cam Cameron, "then make lemonade. And did you know you can get methane gas out of a huge pile of cow manure? We realize the Patriots present us with a tough task, so we have to look for any positives we can find. And the only one I can think of right now is a Ricky William's drug test."

The Dolphins have always given the Pats trouble, including a 21-0 win last year under Nick Saban. But Cameron can't equal Saban's motivational skills, so the best he can offer his team before hitting the field is a weak "win one for the Flipper." Brady comes out throwing against the Dolphins, showing little respect for their sixth-ranked pass defense. As was the case against Dallas, Brady sees less coverage in the secondary than Giselle Bunchen displays on a romp in a sheer teddy down the catwalk. New England wins, 31-14.

San Francisco @ NY Giants (-9 1/2)

After winning their first two, the 49ers have lost three straight, which has brought an abrupt end to the 'Frisco craze of the early 2007 season, which was marked by bell bottoms, disco balls, and two lucky wins to start the season. San Fran was the only NFC West team that didn't lose in Week 6, mainly because they didn't play, which made their bye week all the more relaxing.

"And fruitful," says Mike Nolan, enjoying a Cosmopolitan poolside at the 49ers' practice facility. "We just picked up a ½-game on everyone by not playing. Life is good. But it could be better. We'd gladly sit for two more weeks and take the division lead. But, in all seriousness, we need to get our running game going. Frank Gore is only averaging 17 carries per game. That's not nearly enough. Frankly, I've seen more 'gore' at the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. And, if you think I look good in a suit, you should see me in all white with a red neckerchief, running for my life, which is the kind of urgency I want to see from Frank."

After dropping their first two games of the year, the Giants have won four straight to move to within a game of the division-leading Cowboys. The Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress connection has accounted for eight touchdowns this year, equal to the Tom Brady/Randy Moss output.

"We can't quite consider ourselves their equal yet," says Burress. "I'd say I can hold my own with Moss, but until Eli raises his completion percentage by 20 points or lands a supermodel, he's not on par with Brady. Eli's making progress, though. He's displayed his leadership, and he even had his first date not too long ago. So, watch out, Brady, and watch out supermodel dating pool. Eli's coming for you."

The G-Men seemed to have benefitted from a kinder, gentler Tom Coughlin, who's changed his wicked ways as a hardcore disciplinarian. The man has taken up scrapbooking, and even accents team meeting with kittens at each table. The results are obvious. Player don't hate him; they just have a strong distaste for him.

New York wins, 26-20.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit (-2)

It will be a clash of styles when the defense-oriented Bucs face the Lions and their flashy offense. Tampa is winning with its traditional defensive philosophy, which is to stifle the opposition long enough until Jeff Garcia can hit Joey Galloway with a bomb. Once they take the lead, the Bucs drop anchor and unleash their running game, whose output they don't measure in yards, but in clock time consumed.

"You got a problem with that?" says the "Visor Kaiser" John Gruden, who likes to stand at the bow of the pirate ship in Buccaneer Cove, naked, at midnight, and shout, 'I'm the king of the world.' "The fact that we don't have a running game and are still 4-2 is a testament to our defense and the greatness of Jeff Garcia. Garcia is a coach's dream. He's smart, tough, a good decision-maker, and fairly good-looking. Shoot! I'm not afraid to say it, but I'd marry the guy. Then ask for an immediate annulment and hope that I kept my vow of celibacy intact. Jeff's our MVP right now, and help is on the way for our running game in the form of Michael Bennett, who'll look great against the Lions, and everyone will say what a great deal we made. Then reality will sink back in."

The Lions are a team still in search of an identity. Are they good? Are they bad? Is their offense that good? Is their defense that bad? Is Matt Millen an incompetent fool? To that, we know the answer. Detroit is the only team in the league with a winning record that has scored fewer points than they have surrendered.

"That's a meaningless statistic," says Millen, perched high above Ford Field in his skybox, where he has apparently disabled the "eject" buttoned installed by Lions' brass upon hiring Millen. "That just means we're winning big and losing bigger. We're giving the fans what they want. Of course, that doesn't explain why I'm still here. But I defend my track record until the end. Go ahead, take a look at what I've done for this team. Historically, I've put us in position each and every year for one of the draft's highest picks."

Since the Lions have no reliable ground attack either, Jon Kitna will have to carry the Lions through the air against that irritable codger Monte Kiffin's "cover 2" defense. I don't think Kitna can handle the "cover 2," and I don't think the Lions can cover the two by which they are favored. Tampa wins, 24-21.

Tennessee @ Houston (+1 1/2)

You could hear an audible gasp from Titans faithful when Vince Young pulled up lame after scrambling out of bounds last week in Tampa. And, you could hear an even louder gasp and cry of despair when Kerry Collins rose from his bar stool to fill in for his injured teammate. Young suffered a strained quadriceps and had an MRI on Monday. He is listed as day-to-day.

"Incidentally, identifying 'M, 'R,' and 'I' as letters of the alphabet scores you points on the Wonderlic test," says Young. "Cha-ching! I'll do everything in my power to play on Sunday. Coach Fisher has said that he'll go with the quarterback that gives us the best chance of winning. I assume that means he'll go with the quarterback that gives us a chance of winning. In both cases, I'll be the starter. Even in a wheelchair, that still would apply."

"Strained quad? Isn't that what you get on the University of Texas campus when alcohol sales are cut off after a big win by the Longhorns?" says Matt Schaub, whose Texans host the Titans. "UT may be famous for football, but the University of Virginia is known as the school of higher learning founded by the 'O.P.,' the 'original playboy,' Thomas Jefferson, who got busier than Humpty Hump in a Burger King bathroom. Pardon my cavalier attitude about this game, but I just don't see the danger of Vince Young at half-speed or Kerry Collins half-cocked."

It's a slap in the face to the Texans to be a home underdog. Of course, they've been slapped around in the AFC South for years now. But it's desperation time. A loss, and the Texans are 2-4 with three division losses. You can't recover from that, I don't care how much HGH you consume. Kris Brown kicks the game-winner, and the Texans win, 19-16.

Kansas City @ Oakland (-3)

You've heard of teams going from first to worst in the span of a season, but who knew it was possible in the span of about six hours? Last Sunday, the Raiders began the day leading the AFC West, and after losing in San Diego 28-14, fell to the bottom of the division.

"In the AFC West," says Raiders owner Al Davis, surveying his empire from the observation tower of his headquarters, Castle Grayskull. "it's a short fall. I've never fallen from first to worst in the span of a day, but I have gone from alive to dead, and back, in a matter of minutes."

The Chiefs and Larry Johnson hope to run on an Oakland defense that gave up 198 yards and four touchdowns to LaDainian Tomlinson. And Priest Holmes may play for the first time since 2005.

"Only if Shawne Merriman's not around," says Holmes.

Well Priest, Merriman's not a Raider. If he was, he would have been traded long ago to the Patriots for a fourth-round pick. Oakland: it's where bargain-hunters shop. Anyway, it's good to have you back, Priest. Maybe this injury will turn out to be a good thing for you. It sure did for the Chiefs. If you hadn't been injured, then Larry Johnson might have never had the chance to strut his stuff.

Johnson rushes for 123 yards and a score, and the Chiefs win a tight battle, 20-17.

NY Jets @ Cincinnati (-6)

After another display of offensive ineptitude, the Jets are 1-4 and fans are calling with a profane vigor for Kellen Clemens to take over at quarterback for the beleaguered Chad Pennington. For whatever reason, be it loyalty to Pennington, stubborness, or sheer stupidity, Eric Mangini refuses to budge. With the Jets in dire need of a win, is change in the air?

"You darn right change is in the air," says Mangini. "It's tossed at me on a weekly basis. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, all neatly rolled, sometomes afire. I was even hit by a "Hundred-dollar Bill," who's not a form of currency but a man who frequents area stip clubs and happens to be one of many psychotic Jets supporters. Anyway, from where I come from, having money thrown at you is a sign of support. So, against the better judgment of every other person in the world except me, I'll keep Pennington as the starter, despite a recurring dream in which I'm running on the Jersey shore hand in hand with Kellen Clemens and we deliver a double-clothesline to Pennington, all while dodging the pollution and body parts littering the coast."

Like the Jets, the Bengals are desperate for a win, having lost four straight after opening the season with a win over Baltimore. The defense has been terrible and the offense has sputtered, but the problems may run deeper than Marvin Lewis ever imagined.

"It's all a matter of accountability," says Lewis. "It's easy to say, 'It's his fault.' It's much harder to say, 'It's my fault.' Just like it's easier to plead 'guilty' than 'not guilty.' Therein lies our problem. When we had players running afoul of the law every nine days or so, we were a much better team. This team thrives on conflict, so we're going to need somebody to step up and take one for the team. A simple shoplifting charge will do, preferably by a first-time offender so as not to face a suspension. That narrows it down to two players: Carson Palmer and Shayne Graham."

It's sink or swim, do or die, fight or fly for both teams. And the coaches need to do their part, too. One would think the mind that created the Ravens' dominant defense could at least come up with some kind of wacky scheme to slow down the Bengals' opponents. And they call Eric Mangini the "Man-genius," right? Does it even take a genius to prepare a game plan to defeat Cincinnati? Does it even take a game plan to beat them? Come on, Mangini. Are you a genius, or just a flash in the 'Mangini?' The Bengals jump out to a quick 10-0 lead, and New Jersey State Athletic commissioner Larry Hazzard nearly stops the game on a technical knockout, but he then realizes he's in Ohio, out of his jurisdiction. The Jets storm back behind the running of Thomas Jones and the Nerf-like passes of Pennington. New York wins, 26-24.

Chicago @ Philadelphia (-4)

Last year, when the Bears scored 31 points, you could count on a 31-9 victory, or something similar. This year, the Bears score 31 and lose 34-31. That's what happened last week when the Bears fell to the Vikings in a shootout which featured eight touchdowns of 33 yards or more. Two of those were by Devin Hester, who scored on an 89-yard punt return and an 81-yard pass from Brian Griese.

"Obviously, we've got to get Devin more touches," says Lovie Smith. "I'll be darned if I'm making another change at quarterback, so we're going to give Devin the start at center this Sunday."

Donovan McNabb will be doubly motivated to perform well for the Eagles. Of course he wants the last-place Eagles to bounce back into the thick of the NFC East race, but he may also be auditioning for a future job in Chicago.

"You're darn tootin','" says McNabb. "I'm busting at the seams to get out of here, or maybe that's just the sports hernia talking. Honestly though, why would I want to go to Chicago? Do the fans in the Windy City treat their quarterbacks any better than fans in the City of Brotherly Love? Heck, I'd probably be stuck behind Rex Grossman on the depth chart. I think there's other destinations in more need of quarterbacks, like Baltimore, Miami, Atlanta, Minnesota, and South Bend, Indiana."

This is the Bears' latest chance to make a statement. It's basically up to the defense whether to make that statement on a Fathead or a Post-it note. I say the Bears defense finally steps up, or that "step up" could mean they just bit on some play-action. Hester scores on a reverse, and his returns set up the Bears offense in good field position. The Eagles get "Devin-ity Schooled." Chicago wins, 23-20.

St. Louis @ Seattle (-8 1/2)

The Rams remain one of two winless teams in the NFL, while the Seahawks lost last week to the previously winless Saints, in Seattle no less. In the Rams' 22-3 loss in Baltimore, Gus Frerotte threw five interceptions, lost a fumble, and was sacked four times. Marc Bulger, who's missed the last two game with broken ribs, has stated publicly that "he's starting," although this was news to coach Scott Linehan.

"What's the deal here?" says Linehan. "I make the decisions around here, especially the wrong ones. Why on earth would I start Bulger instead of a guy who turned the ball over six times last week, Gus Frerotte? I'll tell you why. Because I'm trying to make history here. I want to become the first coach to get fired after not winning a single game. That's probably the only way people will remember the name ... uh ... what's my ... oh, Scott Linehan."

The Seahawks are reeling, as well, having lost two in a row. They can't run the ball, fall behind early, and are forced to play catch-up. At least that's the analysis given by Sean Salisbury, and that's the kind of number-crunching, in-depth breakdown football lovers expect from a former third-rate NFL quarterback.

"Hey, have you noticed how Salisbury seems to get progressively more perturbed the further he gets into analyzing a team?" says Matt Hasselbeck. "He makes good points, but it's like he's a second away from snapping and ripping Trey Wingo's head off. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing."

Seahawks win, 27-23.

Pittsburgh @ Denver (+ 3 1/2)

What's one word to describe it? How about "tough?" No, I'm not talking about the Broncos' prospects of crossing the goal line. I'm referring to the style of play personified by the Steelers and the Broncos, who will meet in a rematch of the 2005 AFC Championship Game. Both teams live and die with defense and a physical running game, and the chess match between Mike Tomlin and Mike Shanahan will be interesting.

"I'm black," says Tomlin.

"I'm white," says Shanahan, who, technically, is not white, and more accurately classified as an unnatural shade of salmon. "We owe the Steelers. We would have taken them back in '06, but Jake Plummer had other ideas. Now, we'll try it with Jay Cutler, who's yet to be mistaken for John Elway. But don't fret, Jay. Halloween is just around the corner. We'll attack with a steady diet of defense, a hit or two of Travis Henry, the leg of Jason Elam, and a strategically called time out, assuming the game is close."

"Sounds like the ingredients to a 16-7 butt-whipping," says Tomlin. "Are we, the Pittsburgh Steelers, supposed to be afraid of the Broncos? Mile High Stadium lost its mystique when they let some investment company take the name. Does an investment firm strike fear into an opponent like, say, ketchup? I don't think so."

Pittsburgh wins, 23-17.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+3)

The Colts no doubt remember their 44-17 drubbing at the hands of Jack Del Rio and the Jaguars last year in Week 14. In that game, the Jags rushed for an amazing 375 yards and embarrassed the Colts defense.

"Yeah, I remember that game," says Peyton Manning. "But I remember winning the Super Bowl a lot more. In Indianapolis, we don't put regular season wins in our trophy case. We aim high with our goals. At the top of our list of goals is 'Win the Super Bowl.' Now, I know that's probably at the top of the Jacksonville list of goals for the 2007 season, right above 'Beat Indy in Jacksonville,' and 'Beat Indy in Indy.' The point is, the Colts have only one goal listed. The Jaguars have several."

Del Rio and his wrecking crew look to shine on the Monday night stage. A win and the Jags take over first in the AFC South.

"I told our guys that this is their moment to shine," says Del Rio. "So, shine on you crazy diamonds. I kind of lost them after that. Anyway, I'm not going to be one of those arrogant coaches and tell you that we won't change our game plan for anyone. That's just stupid. Sure, we like to ground and pound, but I doubt 16 points will win this game. We know the Colts can score, so we'll have to open up our offense a little. Who we'll throw it to downfield is anybody's guess."

Can the Jags slow down the Colts? To do so, they'll have to put pressure on Manning, and since the power in the Jacksonville defensive line lies with their tackles, John Henderson and Marcus Stroud, they'll have to do it from the inside out. Manning throws best when he can step up and into his passes. If they can get Manning backing up and moving, an interception is more likely, and the Jags will need turnovers. If Jacksonville can't get Manning on his back, then he'll have them on their heels. I give the edge to the Colts, if for no other reason that the desire to see the Patriots/Colts Week 9 battle of undefeateds remain intact. Indianapolis survives a fast start by the Jaguars and wins, 23-19.